September 3, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #65

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"Knock it off, Alan Turing (1912-1954)."

"Yeah, yeah, you welcome our new robot overlords. It was funny the first 2,000 times."

Results after the jump

"Christ! why do you Jews always vote as a bloc?" —TG Gibbon

"Who gave the robots glasses of water! Was it you? That's just great, now they're frozen this way...that really f@&#ks up the whole meeting..." —simsburybear

"Dammit, our board has three robots on it, and now one guy is voting with them against the other four humans at the table, resulting in a tie. That makes me scowl." —John Tabin

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Oh, be a man, Jenkins!"

"And the motion passes to increase the yearly raises for robot programmers by $10,000. What a surprise."

"Why can you never pay attention? You think you're just flirting with me, when you've actually accidentally cast the deciding vote in favor of using our bodies for robot fuel."

"A whole bottle? I don't think we need to order more than a half-carafe."

Would you robots please put your hands down. I was asking if any HUMANS need to use the bathroom before we begin.

"Enough, Mr. Hitler. Even with the robots, you still don't have a majority. Christ, what an asshole."

"All in favor of further automating the production unit?"

"All in favor of extending health benefits to unconventional domestic partners?"

Oh for god's sake - "Danger Will Robinson" is just an expression!

Is there anyone here who DIDN'T sleep with my intern?

Jencins, what did you program them to do with their other hands?

Whose cold, metalic leg just rubbed up on mine?

"The motion carries: 'A.I.' was not, in fact, the most self-indulgent crap any of us have ever seen. But frankly, Stanley, I'm very disappointed in you."

"The next item on our agenda: Should the women on our board be allowed to remove their robot costumes?"

"Who ordered this $#%@& obnoxiously shiny metalic conference room table?!"

"Geez, who farted?"

Who gave the robots glasses of water! Was it you? That's just great, now they're frozen this way...that really f@&#ks up the whole meeting...

"All right we've got no women, and some of us aren't even human, but one of us has to read the part of Blanche DuBois. Volunteers?"

Henderson!!!!I'll mind you to put your arm down right now if you indeed value your job with our firm. And again I am certainly not in favor of us all voting on my biting of Unit Z-33's Shiny metal Ass!

Okay, So now the majority is for mantitory anal probes! I'LL BE SURE TO THANK YOU PETERSON WHEN mY RECTUM IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY!

Okay, so then, It's Final,
" A Minute with Stan Cooper.", Is cancelled.

"It is too a woman sitting to my left, and three robots and one 45-year-old virgin voting otherwise can't change that."

"Shut up, XT25, XT35, and XT43. Everyone knows your arms are just clip-ons."

"You're clearly the one in the middle! Now stop playing human-robot three-card-monte, and let's get back to our business meeting!"

"Ditch the human suit, Murderisticus!"

"The rest of the Spacemas pageant cast wore their costumes to work today, Jenkins, why couldn't you?"

"You make these robots seem veritable fonts of the warm blood of human creativity you pusillanimous, snivelling cakeplate of a man."

"Why can't you be like the other robots?"

"Voting with the robots again, eh Davros?"

"For the last time, Jenkins, your pacemaker does not make you a cyborg."

"Christ! why do you Jews always vote as a bloc?"

We secretly replaced half of the board of Enron with 3 robots and a man of upstanding character and ethics. Let's see what happens.

"Hey, Yoshimi. They don't believe me. But you won't let those robots eat me."

"Before we begin, who here needs to use the can?"

"Did you just say 'splunge'?"

"Okay, who wants to go back to wearing parrots?"

"For the last time, Anderson, you are not cyclopean. Your left eye just isn't visible from this angle."

"Did somebody take a bath in WD-40 today or what?"

"Then it's decided. From now on, this is how we'll operate at Lady Linda's Holistically All-Organic Aromatherapy Spa."

"All right, which of you dipshits understands the binary language of moisture vaporators?"

"Are there any questions?"

"Who'd like a motor oil enema?"

Who's up for more beer pong?

"Seymour, please, I asked who's a 'droid, not who has 'roids."

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with full knowledge that one slip-up means the electronic bailiffs beside you will, with pinpoint precision, choke you to death in less than .825 seconds?"

Great, it's a tie again! Let's vote on the motion one more time, shall we? Who wants to order coffee and doughnuts....right, and now who would prefer a cup of transmission fluid and some silicon - dammit, Phil put your fucking hand down or I swear I'll get my friend to crush you with his giant hand.

"The Illuminati are now in session. First order of business: installing Hillary in 2008. All in favor?"

Thanks to you, Smithers, the ones eyes have it.

Hey......... Macarena

All in favor of grinding the plant workers into dog food raise you left hand.

Anybody else like techo?

"Perkins! You're not going to resign over a couple fraudulently accessed phone records, are you? Well, at least let's not report this little incident to the SEC, OK?"

Zi02, I happen to know that autonomous biorgs capable of comprehending robot speech won't be feasible for at least another twenty-five years. So put down the remote control and stop pretending Jenkins can understand what we're saying. It is illogical. Illogical. Illogical.

Now, all in favor of hiring a different designer for our next pleasure-bot line?

Not now, Patterson. Your "how many robots does it take to change a light bulb?" presentation is scheduled for after the lunch break.

"Thank you for demonstrating your progress on the YMCA-dancing robot project. But next time around we'd better see some capital letters instead of this lowercase Y crap."

"OK, do we have any volunteers to test the XXX5000 "X-treme handjob" function? ...You, Henderson? Why am I not surprised?"

"Who would like to be the first to try out the prototypes of our new robot-shaped slot machines? I'm sorry if I look angry, I have a terrible migraine."

"What can I say? Their right arms are extended and crushing my balls."

That's not funny Wilson, and neither is this cartoon.

You and your Huckabots may be excused, Mr. Smith.

"Who the hell seated all these sieg-heiling robots in here? You, Adolf? Why am I not surprised?"

"Oh, for christ's sake, Johnson: quit pretending to be P.C.! Everyone knows your anti-robotic!"

"Oh, for christ's sake, Johnson: quit pretending to be P.C.! Everyone knows your antediluvian!"

okay, so the no-penises have it. Ha, Johnson. Get it? That means you don't have a penis.

so it was you Williams who ordered chairs for the fucking robots? Let me ask you this Williams- do robots get tired? No! Then why do they need to sit down? Meanwhile I got stockholders on my ass cause our earnings to profit ratio is down. I wonder why Williams? Oh for fucks sakes- you can all put down your hands. I don't want to hear your excuses. Just tell my secretary.

Dammit, our board has three robots on it, and now one guy is voting with them against the other four humans at the table, resulting in a tie. That makes me scowl.

Louis, you're voting with the robots? Maybe you want to be a robot. Like in that Burger King commercial, where the chicken is hanging out with the french fries, and the other chickens are like "Maybe you want to be a french fry," and he's like "Maybe I do," and they're like "Maybe you do," and he goes "Maybe I do," and it goes on like that, and then the chicken who's hanging out with the french fries looks at the camera and he goes "Maybe I do want to be french fry." That commercial cracks me up. Man I could go for some chicken fries right now.

Okay, raise your hand if you need my daughter, the sexy blond robot-repair girl, to oil you up. (Loud squeeking) Davis, you're fired.

Blah blah new economy blah blah

"I'll ask this just one more time, and Bemis I suggest you read between the lines: All in favor of converting our workforce to robots say 'aye'.

"No, Johnson, I won't remove the chip that makes you feel pain."

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