August 21, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #63

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Results, at long last, after the jumb

"Doesn't this Italian marble statue go well with my neoclassical bacon paintings" —Joe

"Ironically, the women on the couch are the statues. Does that blow your mind?!" —Dan McCoy

"I looted him during the war, but his home country won't take him back." —gary

Posted by Daniel Radosh


My begonias were late this year. I was starting to worry that they would never bloom at all, but then they finally did. That day was a relief, let me tell you!

Dear, what did you do with your teacup?

"Do you like it? We picked it up in Greece. It looks best when you view it from an angle, so we had the couch specially designed."

"Our house hasn't been the same since the earthquake. I asked Richard to stand over there to keep us from sliding into the fault."

"Yes, he likes the discus. Don't worry - it's a Nerf."

"So is this what you envisioned for your bachelorette party?"

Yes, the thingie he's swinging around fits into the little slots - No! The ones in the picture frames on the wall... It's a real art getting them in there...of course you have be naked while you do it, what are you dense or something?

Doesn't this Italian marble statue go well with my neoclassical bacon paintings

"Thirty years ago people would tell you tableaux vivants were a young person's game but Harry changed all that. He was a pioneer. So when he died I figured this is what he'd want. The note he left didn't mention it but sometimes you just know things, you know?"

"Don't mind him, he's just limbering up for the co-ed naked frolf at Claremont College. Saw it advertised on a t-shirt and this weekend he's headed down to compete."

"Of course in the ancient games the competitors were mostly foreigners but you get the idea."

"Man, the fat, naked cat sure hates that album."

Surprised? Oh please don't go. We would have mentioned it in our personal ad but we ran out space.

"The decor here is obscene!"

"No, it's not your imagination - the couch actually is leaning away from him. It got hit once, and now it's very leery."

"Speaking of leery, Margaret, I hope you're not staring at my husband's penis."

"It's not Fred's nude sleepwalking that causes the most problems - it's his nude sleepbowling."

"This is it, Harold. If you get the discus in the slot above our heads, we have to remove our cardigans. If not, it's kneely-kneely slurpy-slurpy time."

"He had it removed. He said it was 'queering' his execution. I wouldn't mind, but then he insisted on framing it and hanging it over the couch."

"He had the third nipple removed."

You HAD to ask about his naked-ultimate-Frisbee-days, didn't you?

By the way, I just got subpoenaed by the Balco investigation as a material witness.

"Whoever restored the head did a lowsy job - it's supposed to face the discus. Oh well, we'll still get millions when we sell it, and the Met will get its insurance money."

"Well, he rolled 1d20 as a saving throw against the flesh-to-stone spell, but came up empty. I've cooking up some anti-petrification-salve +1 in the kitchen, so hopefully we'll soon be able to go farther into the dungeon."

Ironically, the women on the couch are the statues. Does that blow your mind?!

"Who is that?"

That reminds me...did you need any cream in your coffee?

I was so worried about him retiring. Thank goodness we still had several hits of acid from the good old days.

What do you mean you never heard of tea-bagging? You are in for quite a treat!

"I suppose you could say the trouble started when that Boy Scout bandaged a plate to his arm"

"Have you met my husband, Degenerate Art?"

"I looted him during the war, but his home country won't take him back."

"Dear, I asked you to wait until I got her liquored up before taking your clothes off."

"Does my naked, discus-throwing husband make me look fat?"

"Since last Tuesday. According to the little man Margot recommended, it's the only way to give this room positive feng shui."

"Well at least he gave up on nude golf. One more divet in the carpet and I would have screamed."

"Does it smell like ass in here?"

"Ever since Taormina he's been all Baron Wilhelm von Gloeden this and Baron Wilhelm von Gloeden that."

"Being married to John Lithgow isn't one nonstop party let me tell you."

Frump #1: "Say, this couch reminds me of a joke. What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene."

Frump #2: "No, sweetie, the joke is your hair."

"You know, most people have the decency to ask if others mind if they play through."

"He's Greek, you know."

"Gracious, it must be getting chilly in here."

"The doctors keep promising he'll recover from the closed-head injury, but I have my doubts."

"The hand-mirror? Oh, that's so you can see his freshly-waxed perineum."

"I made the mistake of telling him he was an Adonis, one thing led to another... suddenly, we've got this plaster of Paris monstrosity in the living room."

"It's solid white chocolate, and was sent by my secret admirer, although I've got a pretty good guess who it is. Try a nipple -- they're delicious!"

"You're not fooling anyone, Howard -- Judith has figured out we're having an affair."

We should get out of the way. If that naked fool hits you with a discus you're certainly going to know about it. Why are we here anyway?

Christ, I thought he'd never finish his squat thrusts.

As long as there is true bowing, the Buddha way will not deteriorate.

At first, I couldn't believe there were chatrooms for this kind of thing on the internet either.

"Quick, Jerry, an inch or two to the left! Quick! Ah, there, it's stabilizing again... Why the hell did we buy a house perched on the edge of a precipice, anyway?"

-Hey Mom! You'll never guess what happened at the Antiques Roadshow.

-Anybody up for a game of naked discus?

-Oh, that hamstring is still aching, but not as much as this protruding inguinal hernia.

-It was him! He stole my marble rye!

-And now to act out my favorite seen from the recent animated film, Cars.

Why thank you! I used a a vibrating Gillette razor for his pubic areas, and a tube of Nair on his back.

"Stop hemming and hawing, Frank. Is there something you'd like to discus?"

"He's been like this ever since watching that 'Pilates with Medusa' workout video."

"It's called 'Jaknab.' No, I don't like it at all. But for $15, Ikea sure gives you a lot of statue."

"That's why we got the condo so cheap. It's sandwiched between a Chinese restaurant on one side, and a black hole singularity on the other. The main drawbacks are the curvature of space, and the fact that highly improbable things tend to appear in the middle of the living room. It doesn't help that I'm allergic to MSG."

"He claims that if he can master bouncing it off all four walls in one throw, then it will cause some sort of singularity in space/time that will result in permanent clothes sprouting on his body. So, like, he'll never have to get dressed again."

"I say, it's like he's trying to turn the house into one big orrery."

"It does look odd, but he says it's the only way he can get all the liquids out before his next plane trip."

I like how his nipples match the decorative buttons on your furniture.

"It's too bad my bacon strip paintings never caught on. Call me a quitter, but once I realized I was only in art school for the Irish coffee before noon and flacid penises I was done."

"While we may be a couple of over-the-hill transvestite hookers, when I consider the plight of the old leather queen trying stick a cantaloup up his butt I feel awash in consolation."

Oh, Richard put the discus down and stop causing a scene! Everyone knows your penis is a clip-on anyway...

"But it's not possible to throw a discus with your right hand while touching your right knee with your left hand. I learned that from Encyclopedia Brown."

"The sculpture doesn't 'mean' anything, Gladys. It simply is."

"Believe it or not, that was a turn-on 25 years ago."

"After lunch, he'll be pole vaulting in the great room."

"Leaning? No, he's standing perfectly straight from my viewpoint. You're not slouching enough."

...wait for it...wait for it...

"Ooh! This is my favorite part. He uses fluid movements while interacting with the Frisbee, which represents the Id, in a "push-me/pull-me" dance illustrating man's ultimate futility in sating need. Also, he has an erection."


...locked up...fuckin locked...

It's my fault. I left my advance copy of the new Alex Kuczynski book on the night stand.

Survivor in HD.

"hmmmmmmmmI've gotta tell you Edna, there's something about this that just. don't.. seem... right...."

Here we see the split-second when Lydia and Marge's life changed forever, as one of the party's naughty-frolf players - a man who would soon sue the sisters over the multiple-shard-generating nature of their fine china - came flying and stumbling into the room for a spectacular, if ill-fated, save.

"Well, one thing I've learned: don't go to bed forgetting that you've locked your husband in the walk-in freezer."

"George calls this 'Duet for human and whoopie cushion'".

"Oh, I just ignore him now, but one time I became so furious with him that I ripped out half of his hair almost taking the left eye with it".

First it was a four hour erection then a frozen shoulder and now he has to have a discusectomy.

"Shh, he doesn't know he's really going to a naked disco party."

"You just had to have pancakes."

"You know what I hate? The fucking Olympics, that's what."

"The framed *objet* are ATM machine slots. The one over the chair is from down the block. The one behind us is from some Asian country, don'tchya know."

"Oh, that's just our neighbor, Chin. He's a little off, but he's harmless. We think."

" I don't think this is what the special olympics had in mind for their new mascot"

"Oh my! What is that... that THING? That... you know, that THING in his hand? ... 'discus,' that's what I was trying to think of!"

"Be patient--he's just warming up. In a minute he'll start spinning it on the tip of his penis!"

"Looks like Hal scored the peyote leaf in his tea. Excuse me while I go get the handcuffs."

No, he gave up the real estate business. Now he's a full-time attention whore.

They wouldn't take him for Body Worlds, so I'm plastinating him myself instead. I've got the pose worked out and the bones firmly fused, and I've started skinning the back. But I'm not sure exactly what stage in the process I'm supposed to kill him.

Ignore him. He is the kind of asshole who would rather go to a lake and look out a window than administer the Anti-Caption contest, which, as you know, gives some meaasure of joy to a huge community of lossers.

Waving the disc disperses the methane much quicker so we can move on. How's your diverticulitis?

I plan on framing his genitals and hanging them on the wall next to ours.

"Ever since his doctor told him he has Altzheimers, he does the strangest things!

"Well, it's not the prettiest thing to look at, I'll admit, but he's vowed to remain frozen in that position until Radosh finally closes that bold tag."

"First he photographs my labia and hangs them on the wall. Then he reenacts the track and field events. Go figure."

"Hey, you look like the doctor that was examining my hand a few weeks ago."

"I'm turning into my mother."

If he ever manages to work that giant foam "#1" hand out of his rectum, he'll go give that boxer who shoved it in there a piece of his mind.

"So I married for money. So what?"

I am so fucking high right now.

"Actually, its a clay pigeon...some sort of fantasy involving trapshooting, or so he claims."

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