Radosh.net

"How much for another half-hour?"

Look, can't you two go chase each other around the office with an axe like the rest of the employees?

"You're 5 minutes late, Sandra. I suggest you get a new man-horse."

"When I suggested you ride Steven, I meant in a more sexual way."

"Late again, Helprin!"

Oops. Make that

"Late again, Mr. Helprin!"

"I am about to take a high heel to the face in 5...4...3..ouch"

"If you insist on not wearing any underwear, Susan, the least you could do is cross your legs while riding the interns."

Did you enjoy those 5 minutes, Margaret? I hope so, because I can now say "I want to ride your ass like a cowboy" around the office with complete immunity.

"Can you guys hold that thought? I like where this is going, I think we'll buy a half season, but I've got to call Mr. Murdoch about the midterm elections."

"Great job! That's a new record for riding an SVP like a bronco to try and get my attention. Now, get out."

"Hang on a sec, I've got to ask Randy Cohen about this."

"Better enjoy yourselves while you can, the 80s are almost over."

"You guys really make being a marriage counsellor worthwhile but I've got to get ready for my 3 o'clock."

Predicted real-life winner: "Mrs. Griggs don't you think you're being just a tad hard on your husband? You've done nothing but ride his back for 15 minutes. Now I'd like to hear his side of the story."

"I wonder what time it is. I'll just check my wat... OW! WHAT THE? A HEEL?"

"Take the photo... NOW! See, I told you all of his limbs are sometimes off the floor at the same time!"

"Come on, Peterson, I know you can pound your way through the floor in less than a minute! Shirley, get on his back for extra weight! Here, Peterson, maybe stop using your fist and try the heel of this shoe! Twenty seconds left!"

"Look, I realize the feminists and the animal-rights activists are squeezing the institution from all sides, but no - I just don't think a 'politically correct rodeo' is even worth a try."

"All right, all right, you've proved your point: The Kama Sutra is too limited and unimaginative."

"That's a hell of an act! What do you call it?"

(Alternate:

"That's a heel of an act! What do you call it?" )

"I gotta make a poopy."

"Hm. Well, I see we shall require yet another 'sensitivity-training' seminar."

"You know, this could be a Playboy cartoon if only the roles were reversed."

"Well done, Miss Wilson! You've almost beaten the spirit out of him, something our firm usually takes years to do!"

"Oooh! 'Riding in Cars with Boys'! No? Hmm. 'Sweetheart of the Rodeo'? 'National Velvet'? I give up -- what is it?"

"Nope. Not even that looks as asinine as riding a Segway. Keep trying."

"Wow, time really does fly when you engage in fetishistic rituals in the workplace!"

"All right. That does it. I'm beginning to think that maybe America doesn't have talent, after all."

"Look, I'm sorry, the role of Seabiscuit has already been cast."

"If he shits on my floor you're both fired."

"Congratulations, you've proved you can ride a bucking lawyer for 15 minutes without being thrown off. Now you owe me $600 for the billable time you just wasted."

"Hang on a sec - I need to finish reading my email off my watch, since somebody stole my computer. After that I'll be happy to watch your routine."

You all remember that movie "8 Seconds"? it had that kid Dylan, no, umm....Luke Perry, that's it! Whoo, talk about your gay cowboys!

You all remember that movie "8 Seconds"? it had that kid Dylan, no, umm....Luke Perry, that's it! Whoo, talk about your gay cowboys!

I did warned him that if he calling me sweetheart one more time I was going to nail him with the giant stapler.

It's take your husband to work day, and mine just got out of the methadone clinic.

[Whisper] Remember mom, after we come, we stand up and say it's called the Aristocrats.

"OK, again with more enthusiasm. We really need to land this account."

"I'm not getting this. Can you please just tell me what happened at the meeting?"

"And what exactly is your complaint, Mr. Fipps?"

"Okay. That's enough of your shanahanigans."

According to my New Yorker wristwatch, you're @#$!% minutes late. Now hurry up, I have to go see a doctor about this increasing hand-size problem I've been having.

"Okay, that's enough. The buck stops here. Hee, get it? The buck. I crack myself up."

But Dan McCoy's 10:34 post should win. Except it might be too funny.

"Check out my cartoon Rolex - I pulled it off of a desiccated cartoon corpse in the cartoon desert."

It seems your visit from the Associate Whisperer went well.

"And so in the quarter ending June 31, we saw our assets rise by 8.2% over the same quarter last year and... Hey guys! Quiet! I'm doing the earnings call on speakerphone!"

"The hours here are obscene!"

"Shoot him once. Remember gloves. Scan apartment. Kill the dog. The emphasis is on kill the dog. Hey, are you guys paying attention?"

Posted by Tim C:

"Nope. Not even that looks as asinine as riding a Segway. Keep trying."

That one KILLS me! Thank you.

Okay, it's time to put him away wet.

I can't believe his clip-on has held on this long.

Clearly this demonstrates there are enumerable ways to bloody one's knuckles besides pummeling the prosecution's client. Time for our closing argument.

"I'm afraid we have to wrap up this interview, Ms. Coulter. We'll look over your resume and let you know."

"Yyyyyessss... I can see how that might be a good therapy for the prostate, Dr. Hildegard, but your positions would need to be reversed."

"I find this staggeringly non-erotic."

"Now the both of you get over here for some good old-fashioned double penetration."

Boss: "Miss Titterson, did you just pass wind?"

Career Gal: "Of course. Do you think I smell this way all the time?"

"I prefer 'Casual Fridays' to 'Inappropriate Behavior Tuesdays.'"

"You called right on time. I hope you don't mind being on speaker phone. My wife hates it. She's convinced I'm not focusing on her and it makes her feel ignored. Last night, she claimed she could ride in here on another man's back and I STILL wouldn't notice. Anyway, I compared those three bank loans and..."

"That didn't take long. Now that Indra K. Nooyi is President, things really are gonna be different at PepsiCo."

"Save a horse, ride a businessman...that makes no sense!"

"According to my watch, it's 2002 and Suzy Wetlaufer and Jack Welch just came into my office."

"Yes, there are faster ways to take off shoes, but they're not as much fun."

"My turn already? Jerry, you get behind the desk and I'll get under the boss's madcap daughter."

"Fine. You went a week without your feet touching the ground. Let me get your ten bucks."

"Please put your shoe back on, Miss Jenkins. It's unladylike."

"When I asked you to present the latest Gallup poll results, this is not what I had in mind."

"These hijinks almost make me forget the recent death of my infant son."

For George Allen to call someone a monkey speaks of his deepest respect. The liberal media, Rush, conveniently ignores Allen's deep ties with the simian-American community. One need look no further than his self-styled "gorilla campaign" -- or his recent fundraiser in Nashville hosted by Leeza Gibbon and Barbara Mandrill. Excuse me a moment -- *would you be quiet, I'm live on the radio!*

"Oh, fuck, I am so blazed right now..."

"I've got an ulcer, phlebitis, recurrent gout, and spurs that go jingle jangle jingle."

"Now I have the 'William Tell Overture' running through my head. But, I bet you young go-getters wouldn't even know why, do ya?"

"The question is not whether they can reason, but do they feel pain?"

"I hate to burst your bubble, Ms. Andrews, but Secretary's Day ended sixteen hours ago."

"Wow, this has already lasted 20 seconds longer than the time I caught you two fucking on the copier at the office Christmas party."

"I got news for you, missy. That's the highest position a woman's ever going to get to in this office."

"OK, Carrot Top, I get it. You're a strong, muscular dude."

"Wouldn't this be more appropriate for Casual Friday?"

"12:20! Time to rotate my Salisbury steak dinner!"

"Of all the proposals for eradicating the stench of urine from New York City subway stations this is far and away the best. I'll have it implemented immediately. Be assured we'll each get a hefty bonus and dizzying salary increase for this show of brilliance or my name ain't Peter Kalikow!"

"Hey, Lou, 's Mickey. Howzit goin? Say, look, 's not too late to lay three sticks on Glass Ceiling in the Fourth izzit?"

"I've taken a special interest in you two because when I was a boy my father was killed by a runaway office girl riding an executive. That or the Tonton Macoutes. I was young, it was dark. Either way he ended up with a red hot horseshoe down his throat. That or a hot, red ho's shoe. I was young, he was mumbling."

"Oh wait, I AM Randy Cohen!"

"Most of my life reminds me of a Honey Nut Cheerios ad. This, on the other hand, this...does not."

Ok, I get that PowerPoint is "so over" - but could you speed it up a little and try and make just a tad more sense?

Well Ms. Jones, I didn't like his ideas any more than you did, but I didn't make him my bitch, now did I?

"Take it from the guy who told Bob Dole to keep a Bic pen in his withered, clenched fist: with a hottie on your back the voters will barely notice your genetic affliction."

"Should we take a break? It seems like you guys are losing focus."

"You've lost your shoe."

"Hey, don't tire him out. It'll be my turn soon."

"Two minutes and he's still choking? Maybe that's not the Heimlich maneuver after all."

"...and we end the presentation with Elizabeth Taylor's inspirational words from National Velvet. Okay, it's not a quote exactly..."

"What? The clowns are finally here? Well, for God's sake, send them in."

"65, eh? Yeah, I have to admit it's intriguing, but it still doesn't have the same ring as 69."

"Enough, Jan. Now that my fist has been adequately lubricated, let's see if I can make young Mr. Williams confess to stealing that package of multi-colored pop-up Post-It notes."

"You better pick up the pace, Johnson: if you can't do a sub-5:00 circuit with a chick yanking at your throat you'll never cut it at this company."

my official NYorker submission:

"You better pick up the pace, Johnson: if you think this is hard, wait until we put you on the Penske account."

I'm a little late with the judging today. Be patient.

In that case, it's time for lobbying! You absolutely MUST choose the last of Nell S.'s captions. There, I said it.

"Listen, I realize that you two are Siamese twins connected at the buttocks, and I'm truly sorry, but with downsizing we have to let one of you go."

"Well, hell yes he's pissed! A genie gives you one wish, and instead of wishing for vision you wished for your seeing eye dog to become a handsome young man, completely forgetting that as a puppy you had him fixed!"

Oh my gosh, the butterfly migration has started - right on time, and right outside the window!