Based on the sinking box office numbers, it's probably safe to assume that if you haven't seen Superman Returns yet, you're not going to. I'm one of the few people who saw it after opening weekend, so this warning is coming a little late, but please: avoid this stinking hunk of craptonite [hat tip Jake]. Somehow the critics were largely suckered into thinking that slow and boring equals thoughtful and grown-up, but in this case, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, it's not as bad as the the painfully frenetic Fantastic Four � possibly the all-time worst comic book movie � if only because you won't actually leave with a headache, but Superman -- well, I was about to say it fails on every level, but it doesn't even try hard enough on any level to actually fail. Is it an homage to comic books? To the 70s movies? A love story? A social commentary? A Christ allegory? An action movie? A comedy? It just sort of throws out elements of all of those and then lets them sit there lifelessly. They shoulda called it Stuporman. No wait, Pooperman. Um, Superscam...
So tell me, trusted readers. Do I need to see that pirate movie? I liked the first one quite a bit, but from the moment I heard that the plan for the sequel was to make the comic relief the main character, I've been suspecting nothing but the worst, box office records be damned.
