July 3, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #58

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"Sometimes I feel like I live at my job! ...Probably because of these beds and nightstands, wouldn't you say, Farnsworth?" —Vance

"If this book is correct, the cheese may actually be somewhere else now." —Eric

"I think I liked our loft better before we divided it into cubicles. Now you can't even tell it's a loft." —Deborah

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Are you awake yet, honey? Don't forget, it's your turn to reward the rats this morning.

Did you read today's Dilbert?

"Theseus? Where's that ball of thread I spun for you? THESEUS?????????????"

"I think I liked our loft better before we divided it into cubicles. Now you can't even tell it's a loft."

"To save money."


"Yes I know dear, our love life seems to be at a dead end, but I'm still not going to blow your nose. That's just sick!"

"And they said it would never work out -- you, a pothead, me, a speed freak. But look how we proved them wrong, Harry. Just look at the two of us! Like peas in a pod! Wanna help me rearrange the folding screens again, Harry? Whaddaya say, baby, huh?"

"Honey, can you go get me some water from the water cooler?"

"I can't sleep. I'm going to go look for the cheese again for a little while."

"Sometimes I feel like I live at my job! ...Probably because of these beds and nightstands, wouldn't you say, Farnsworth?"

"Oh, that's just great. I bring a whole roll of quarters for the bed, stand it here next to the light, and find out it doesn't even have Magic Fingers!"

"I always say, if you're gonna be trapped in a maze, make the most of it. And I think we have - oh yeah, except of course for the slow, agonizing starvation."

"I'm reading a fascinating story about a bizarro universe where people have cubicles at work, and beds at home... and get this - neither of them on buses! Weird, huh?"

"I'm sorry dear but I don't find living in a cubicle amusing. Now if you were a snow globe, giant insect or some sort of a bird now THAT would be hilarious."

"What am I so upset about? Well, a: The world ISN'T flat; b: He's just mixed three metaphors in a single sentence; and c: We're trapped in a fucking maze."

"Wait a minute: If he didn't spend that time in jail, there was no way he could have met this Leonard guy. Boy, if we ever get out of this vast underground compound, I'm going to demand a refund."

When you said you would be working at home, I didn't think your entire company would be working at our home, too.

Don't tell the boss.

Check this out, I'm reading but I'm not even looking at the book.

Do you ever get that boxed-in sort of feeling?

This book is a-MAZE-ing!

Your nose would fit perfectly in my mouth. Just look.

"We cut our commute in 1/2 and I'm STILL tired."

"This book sucks."

I can't sleep knowing that in our world of white, white panels, one of them has "Leo Cullum" grafitti. I guess I should get out of bed and paint over it.

"I'm sorry, dear, I'm really not in the mood, having already satisfied myself with the rather blunt-tipped vibrator I keep on the nightstand in front of the lamp."

Jareth, tell me the truth. How come you stopped bringing the dancing muppets in here? Don't I remind you of the babe any more?

"It says, 'Welcome to the Republican National Breeding Center in Washington, D.C.' Isn't that nice.?"

Be careful! If you fall asleep, Freddy Krueger will kill you. Now listen to me read from Gibbons' "Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire" and STAY AWAKE!

I guess the rat race is really wearing you down. I'm of course referring to the giant mutant rats who run through this laboratory maze during the day, not a metaphor for the uncompromising daily grind of the work week.

If this book is correct, the cheese may actually be somewhere else now.

"Be honest Clyde, do the bags under my eyes make me look like I've got boobies on my face or is it just some sort of illusion?"

"So now that we've fornicated would you please stop referring to me as Ambassador Kirkpatrick and just call me Jeane!?"

"The more stylish my hairdo, the more evident my lack of chin."

"I can't take it anymore. I'm telling Kinsey I want out. Now where's the flare gun?"

"You're boring and smell like doody, and there's no way out of here. This must be a metaphor or something."

"I simply hate staying at your mother's, dear - I can never find the bathroom at night."

"You know, Dave -- if we don't find the cheese in the next few days, I will have to eat you. Well, goodnight."

*"Our HMO doesn't cover the risks of that particular sex act."
*"I'm sorry you can't get it up, too, but you've got to stop bringing your work home with you-it's stressing you out.

"You've been eating the cheese again, haven't you, Dave? And tell me -- how will we put the kids through school if you eat all the cheese? You just want them to fail in life to make you feel better for being such a loser, don't you."

"That guy from 'Queer Eye' did an incredible job with the trompe l'oeil in here, don't you think?"

"I think our coworkers are starting to suspect."

"I'm beginning to regret our decision to buy a place with so many rooms, seeing as we could only afford to furnish one."

"It says here that, if you're in a relationship with a guy and it's featured in a cartoon, you should dump him."

"I can tell with my very long skinny legs that my side of the bed slants all the way to the floor."

"Well, yes everybody knows that my earrings are clip-ons. Whoop-dee-doo!"

"According to the latest Harper's Index, 93% of New Yorker cartoons involve a couple in bed where one of them is reading."

"The sex industry has sure gone corporate lately."

"John, it's about time you went to a doctor about your bedwetting problem."

"Don't worry. It'll be years before IBM even notices we took over this space. Think of the money we're saving."

"Right below the pubic bone, within the labia, near the top, under that little hood. Why must you make everything out to be so difficult?"

"D.I.Y. carpenter?! D.I.Y. carpenter my ass."

Bad heroin or not, Howard, get this swarm of motherfucking bugs off of me!

There's got to be a better way to keep you from screwing your secretary.

Normally, I'd be tempted to say that marriage with you is like living in some big metaphor, except for the fact that that was the best goddam head I've ever received.

"You're absolutely right, Harold: they can't out-source what they can't find."

You idiot! The travel guide says "SLIGHTLY-private." Not "semi-private."

"To Serve Man???" Honey, this is a cookbook and come to think of it, this is not a luxury cruise line. This is a spaceship headed to another galaxy. Why, oh why, did I click though on that free offer from AOL??"

I give you my word. Tomorrow, we find our way out of this Ikea.

There. Was my G-spot so damn hard to find?

Orgy day at the Institute for Sex Studies and once again we're the only couple not invited. Do you think it's because we never bathe?

"you banged perkins from accounting, didn't you my little mexican intern slut?"

"No, you illiterate fuck! I fucked Cullum from accounts receivable right over by that xerox machine."

"When that gerbil finally gets here, stick it up your own ass. I'm on the last chapter.

"Oh shut up Ted! Everyone knows you hard-on is a clip on."

"When you said, 'Let's go a'mazing, Grace,' I wasn't sure what you had in mind."

"And I thought Dilbert was a lousy lover!"

"Ralph,It says here that mixing work and home life can result in an shortened life span...Ralph...Ralph?"

Predicted real-life winner: "I'm sorry, I don't believe in office romances."

"It says here people who read in bed are 294% more likely to be alarmed."

"What do you mean 'Someday we'll move out of the shelter?'"

"David Brooks says we're Workaholistic. Well, I say he's Intellectually-and-ethically-inferior-to-Thomas-Frank-enstein."

"I can't see how you can sleep when right now someone, somewhere, is trying to upload Windows 95 onto a VT220."

"And then David Brent told Chris Finch to fuck off and they all lived happily ever after."

"You have a better chance of finding your way out of this maze than you do of finding my G-spot."


"We're dead Harry, and this is Hell."

"God, I wish we'd bought this 'Setting Up a Home Office For Dummies' book before we redecorated."

"Look: I told you when we met, 'If you marry Michiko Kakutami, you marry her work.'"

"Alan, your nose is way bigger than your penis. I can't help it - I have needs. Get busy."

"Right now - I want you to trompe my l'oeil. Trompe it and trompe it and trompe it, and don't leave anything for your brother. I can find my way out, after."

"Don't take this personal Fred, but there's a striking resemblance between your nose and my buttplug."

"I've decided I want a man who can think outside the cubicle."

"Hah. The more I read these great old New Yorker cartoons, the more I think our relationship could be in one. Look at how many involve couples in bed--just like the two of us! It's like we're in a situation comedy or something...."

Oh shut up, George! Everyone knows your religion is a clip-on."

"Honey, this book shows a simpler way to get the home-office deduction."

Sounds like the Harrisons are working late again. I remember how we would work all night sometimes... before your problem started.

" I feel a sneeze coming on, and with these paper thin walls things could get interesting."

"I guess I always thought the fertility lab would provide a little more privacy. I mean, Jesus, listen to all those people! ...Let me read some more of The Story of O and maybe I'll be more in the mood."

Who moved your cheese? How the hell should I know?

"Why the hell did I ever marry an architect?"

(Google for it.)

"This is where Douglas Coupland would have me say something really pathetic, something like, 'Oh God, I feel like a refugee from a Douglas Coupland novel.' Well, fuck Douglas Coupland."

"If we paint all the walls orange, it'll seem more like Central Park."

"Well, Harry, as long as we are lost here in Ann Coulter's vagina, I am happy that provenance has blessed us with this comfortable and roomy bed, where we can enjoy a well-deserved rest after a day of endless wandering. Let us pray that tomorrow we find my rambunctious brother-in-law and his large motor vehicle so we might escape, and enjoy sweet freedom once again in the outside world."

I'm SO glad they moved the location of LOST this season. Hawaii was getting on my nerves.

"Radosh thinks he can go on vacation and leave us suspended, paused, here in our cubicles just because it's July? When he gets back I'm gonna tear him a new bioport."

"No it was NOT one of our neighbors and it certainly wasn't me. Besides: `He who smelt it dealt it!'"

"Harold, I've read this book cover to cover, and you're wrong: 'Felching' is NOT one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."

"All right, have it your way--you heard a rat squeak!"

"Wake up you idiot!...How am i supposed to come up with a funny caption with all your snoring?..For Gods sake,you sound like a bagpiper getting fed into a woodchipper by an angry mob of potbelly pigs.

"I was just thinking how some multicolored Post it Notes would really spruce things up around here."

"I feel like i should be making a witty remark about how ...'you shouldnt take your work home with you'...or a joke about Dilbert's sexual prowess,or even a oneliner reffering to this maze like home of ours...But no...instead im going to reach over,reaaaaal slow like....open the drawer on the bedside table,remove the .357 Magnum i bought at the yard sale,place it against your forehead ,pull the trigger and blow your head clean off.

So now we're not only trapped in this maze, but we're off the front page of radosh.net... what an irony, both trapped and abandoned at the same time. If this had only happened to us 25 years earlier we could've been one of the list items in that King of Pain song."

"Yeah, Peter. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great."

Well, we tried. It was different, but it was the same.

"You know what Dignan, you can convince me to leave my husband to live in this cubicle with you, but I am NOT turning this light out till I find Waldo"

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