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June 25, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #57

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

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"Well at least the sumbitch stopped singing! Get it? Big Mouth Billy Bass? Shit, that joke killed when I first did it 7 years ago."

"Hey, it's only ten minutes until 4:20!"

Results after the jump

Winner:
"I really wish I hadn't chosen the novelty framed-carnivorous-fish option for replacing my right hand. I mean, the only time it looks even slightly reasonable is when I put my hand up on the wall here, like this, see?" —Vance

Finalists:
"Before I use your bathroom, tell me...no fish there, huh?" —David Wland Hills, CA

"Um, hel-loooo? My eyes are up here?" —Tim C

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

Well, Mr. Johnson, I'm pretty sure your mounted fish doesn't have renal cancer. Of course, it's more typical for a necroichthyoproctologist to stuck his hand up the other end, so my diagnosis is really just guessing.

"You know what's funny? Get a bunch of these when they're little and put them in someone's suitcase so they discover them when they get up to their hotel room. Also, ow."

"Well, this hurts, but thank god I didn't do the thing I was actually thinking of doing."

"You know, I sort of assumed, when you rescued me from certain death by pulling me and this man-eating fish out of the ocean, you would take my arm out of its mouth before you mounted it."

"One moment. I keep my sugar hidden in the wall safe behind this painting, where the kids can't get to it."

"Oh dear, I'm afraid the poor thing has bitten off more than it can chew."

"To be fair, I *was* taunting it."

"I know, but I have a responsibility to the voters to reject any kind of cut and run strategy."

I wish someone had warned me just how time-consuming trompe-l'il could be.

Boy, you're quiet. Katz got your tongue?

"Oh, schist, it's up to my wrist."

"I'm flipping off my neighbor. There's a hole in the wall which I cleverly conceal with this mounted fish. I think it really bugs him."

"See? I had it specially mounted so the eyeballs move back and forth when I pull this lever. It works like a muppet."

"We used this as a pinata for my daughter's birthday party. Hold on - I think I found a Tootsie Roll."

"Great! I've always wanted to be left handed!"

"Can you pass me that crowbar behind you? The thing labelled 'Fish Mouth Opener'?"

"It's much less painful than it looks. I pulled my hand into my sleeve, so he only ate a couple of my fingers."

Rosencrantz, I must ask myself how it is that my hand can be bitten by a mere picture of a fish. One logical conclusion is though I think of myself as Guildenstern, that I am actually a mere picture of a man, and that you and this room are merely figures in that picture as well. The bizarre oblique angle of the corner of the room behind you would tend to confirm this. Perhaps after I replace this hand with a hook, I'll see you in a picture of court.

What are we drinking? Uh, why...why do you ask?

No, there's no *particular* reason why I keep all of his little worm food on the floor...

"Hey, I've found another door to the way into a different dimension!"

Ow! My hand! Oh, hey, there's two anthropomorphic penises walking off with my firewood. Crap. Oh! Wait, should that have been penii? My mistake. Pluralii confuse me no end.

Wait, don't tell me, my ass does look big in these doesn't it?

Who the hell do you think I want you to call!? Jacques Cousteau?

Gee Jack...I don't think this ever happened to Marlin Perkins...

"Wild Kingdom" my ass!

I say, let go of my ascot!

And this other picture on the mantelpiece is my son graduating from Middlebury last...AHHHHH!!! THE FISH IS BITING MY HANNND! OH GOD IT HURTS! WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO DRINNNNK?!

"And a few casts later, he swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. One sec...."

Don't worry, It's just one of those optical illusion paintings.

If you think this is bad, just look at what it did to my carpet!

Forget the fish, if you look at it carefully, this fireplace doesn't even work!

"Um, hel-loooo? My eyes are up here?"

"Honestly? I'm not even sure why I put my hand up there. Who does that?"

"Well, the joke's on him, 'cause that's my prosthesis."

"Call 9-1-1, Ishmael."

"And to think I trusted you, Franz! I see now that you're not a man at all, but a fish in a man suit, who's been enlisted by this dark overlord to lure me to my death! Wait: Overlord? That doesn't make sense. Underlord, I suppose. Also: Ow."

"Y'know, the funny thing is, as deeply weird and unprecedented as this is, this fish is gonna forget it entirely."

"But I was only trying to add a humorous caption."

"The fish attacked my hand with incredible precision. It was a sturgical strike."

Oh Jesus, it's true, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for her to fall in love with me! Now turn it off, for Christ's sake, Moriarty, turn it off!

"No, really, it's quite a fun game. You just have to put your hand in the other end. Then we swing it like a jumprope and repeatedly throw our hot cups of coffee over it."

"Oh my God -- I've become my mother!"

"All I said was 'smells like real fish.'"

"Yes, but I know I'm wearing fishnets underneath and that's all that's -- HEY!"

"Look -- the grey flannel energy ray emanates from its mouth every time I scratch my balls with my right hand."

"Come on, Dick, every school kid knows you're really the President -- so tell me what I'm supposed to do about THIS!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Ann Coulter naked?"

"Dude, the breasts of the Playboy "Femlin" appear to be exploding out of my eye sockets -- omigod, yours too! Or are we cyclopses? And what's with this fish? Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Can you do the fandango? Arrrrgh!"

"I suppose now with Kennedy in the White House we can expect all kinds of unpleasant surprises, n'est-ce pas, Walter?"

Shitting fuck, I thought it was just a picture!

"Coaster? Sure. I keep them in here."

"Thanks for agreeing to come over to my apartment, Tom. I'd visit you at your place, but, y'know... the fish."

"Yes, I would say there are some very odd animal goings-on at your house, all right. Not so much the hand-eating fish - every mansion has one of those these days - but I'm more disturbed by the many, many deer hoofmarks through and around your parlor."

"What is this, generic beer or something? Invite me over for some fine dining and conversation and we have these plain white cans of whatever? Plus, and I wouldn't have mentioned this but for the beer faux pas, but your fish is eating my arm."

"Niiiiiice fishy... open up, come on, there's a good boy... uh... OK, you called my bluff, I didn't know there really was such a thing as a mounted fish tamer. Can you get him the hell off me?"

Predicted real-life winner courtesy my father circa 1981: "Call me fishmeal."

"I can't imagine what Dorian had to do to end up looking like that but I imagine he had to have his end up to do it."

"How do you like my fishglove, former Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird."

"Oh, it's real, I thought it was one of those felt ones from sewdorky.com"

"I noticed the eyes move so I thrust my hand in. I'm stuck but only because I have a firm grasp on Shaggy's nose. Call Sheriff Beaudine and tell him I caught some hippies or freedom riders or whatever the hell these kids are. And he's to bring a circular saw and plenty of bleach."

"Yes, I guess you're right, Steve, it is a good thing I didn't put my cock in first."

The incredible irony of this is that I just tried a case about six weeks ago in which one of the witnesses had a hook for an arm.

Well, good thing I didn't catch, stuff and mount that whale from last month, huh? Also, may I join the conventional wisdom with "ow".

"Since you seem utterly implacable and uncaring, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you - I'm banging your wife."

"I really wish I hadn't chosen the novelty framed-carnivorous-fish option for replacing my right hand. I mean, the only time it looks even slightly reasonable is when I put my hand up on the wall here, like this, see?"

Just my Adult ADD, I have to touch everything. It's just something I have to live with!

"I'm stumped."

"Ceci n'est pas une poisson"

"That's OK. I've got another one in the car."

"You're right, that's a wicked overbite. After I get the braces on, it'll only take two years and you won't see those pearlies again. It'll cost about 8 grand. Why did you marry a stuffed fish? Oh, the parents are wealthy. I understand."

Don't just stand there. DO SOMETHING!

And to think, I spent our chimney money on this stupid fish mounting.

Have a seat, I'll be with you in a moment.

I knew taunting it with cans of caviar wasn't a good idea.

I've narrowed it down: either it's Jimmy Hoffa's pinky ring or Paris Hilton's sphincter. My gut tells me Paris is still using her sphincter."

"Some guys just don't like being mounted."

"Hold my drink for a sec. I wanna try something."

"Don't look at him. He's doing it for attention."

"I been thinking of putting something in that frame over there."

"Of course, Henry, we can discuss working class exploitation, union-busting, genocide, enslavement, world domination, discreet and reliable whores, and anything else two doughy old white guys in charcoal suits are likely to giggle about while polishing off a fifth of fine, aged scotch while standing around in a stuffy, patrician living room -- but right now, could you please help me get my arm out of this fucking grouper?

"That's right, Howard - if you really want to join Opus Dei, you have to be willing to do this every day."

"No, I'm not feeling the effects of the mescal eith-- no, wait. I think it's kicking in."

"Oh, sure, you think it's funny now. But wait 'till the next time you want a reach-around. Then we'll see who's laughing."

I don't think you've quite gotten the hang of "catch and release" fishing. No, not even close, asshat!

"I'll let go when he lets go."

"Oh Shut up Ted! Everyone knows your fish is a clip-on."

"EEEEEK, I'm being grouped."

"Ask it to sing 'Like A Sturgeon' and I'll pull my stump out."

"FOR COD'S SAKE - DO SOMETHING."

(NOTE: This one is inspired by bilbo's entry above. Let's see if YOU can insert the missing word:)

"Why did I put my hand in there? Just for the_________________."

This is unbearable.

"He's heard that 'bare yer cooter' line just once to often ... "

"He's heard that 'bare yer cooter' line just once too often ... "

(And always PREVIEW before posting!)

You blinked.

"Once again my tendency to make overly broad gestures while talking comes back to haunt me!"

"Is this a red snapper? I ask because I'm color blind and everything looks like a monochrome watercolor wash to me."

"Stanley! Look at the sickening depths to which this insidious cavier addiction has brought you!"

"I just took a carp in my pants"

"Okay, now you stick your hand in the other end, and no one will know we're holding hands"

"I have just installed a tiny microphone here to help in the war against bass....ummmm...terror. Would you mind if I put one in your drink? There's one in mine."

"Carp diem to you too, my scaly friend."

"Interactive wallpaper? That's cool. I can't wait to do the fireplace."

"No! I said that I think he tore my labrum. Sheesh."

Damn, now they don't match! Where's the phone? I gotta call my tailor to shorten the other sleeve.

Before I use your bathroom, tell me...no fish there, huh?

"Good thing I'm left-handed."

"Of course I'm wearing herringbone. Why do you ask?"

"Now you can see why I'm glad about the one that got away."

"Quick! Draw the cartoon now!! It looks like the fish is eating my hand!!! Ha!!!!"

"You see? This is what can happen when you have a hook instead of a hand. So I'm glad you came to see me prior to your elective surgery."

"My fault...I have poor hand to walleye coodination."

Damn! What a time for my shoe laces to come untied.

It's ok! It has fins and scales. And if I have a bite...it's gotta be kosher.

"There. Now, in about 3 seconds we will be transported into my secret lair."

"Alright already, I'll stop preaching Darwin-ism!"

"I am like stoned out of my mind right now dude."

swim, swim, hungry!

"I know that condom is in here somewhere..."

I got this in the divorce.

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