The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #56
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
"Ha ha ha. That homely girl who wanted plastic surgery to look like a bombshell is sure going to be surprised when she wakes up. That's because my brother, who is operating on her, is a lousy plastic surgeon. Now hand me that spanner so I can finish assembling this warhead, which will at last give us the capability of striking Tel Aviv within 20 minutes. Allahu Akbar!"
Results after the jump
Winner:
"Don't make a sound. You mustn't let the others know I'm asking you this. By any chance do you know anything about gyroscopic inertial guidance systems? Just nod once for 'yes' and then point to it." —TG Gibbon
Finalists:
"We keep peeling off more and more of his skin, but he's still too big to pull out of the hatch." —Francis
"Call Zucker. Tell him Joey isn't going to make it." —J
Comments
"Needs more plutonium."
Posted by: Dashiell | June 18, 2006 9:37 PM
"Yes, Dr. Frankenstein, I'm sure it will make an impressive appendage. But don't you think you're overcompensating? Perhaps just a wee bit?"
"When we're done here, let's continue our bizarre tic-tac-toe game on the wall. It's your turn next."
Posted by: Deborah | June 18, 2006 10:01 PM
"Call Zucker. Tell him Joey isn't going to make it."
Posted by: J | June 19, 2006 12:06 AM
"No, it would't help if Tom Cruise were to jump up and down on it. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard."
Posted by: J | June 19, 2006 12:07 AM
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a rocket scientist!"
"Well, if this isn't Mrs. Parker, then who am I operating... Oh God. Mrs. Parker's been launched at North Korea."
"And then we cut around the circumference of the glans like so, and voila! Mazel Tov!"
"Dr. Strangelove, did you want to weigh in here?"
"It's a girl! The most adorable little girl nuclear missile the world ever saw!"
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 12:52 AM
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a rocket scientist!"
"Well, if this isn't Mrs. Parker, then who am I operating... Oh God. Mrs. Parker's been launched at North Korea."
"And then we cut around the circumference of the glans like so, and voila! Mazel Tov!"
"Dr. Strangelove, did you want to weigh in here?"
"It's a girl! The most adorable little girl nuclear missile the world ever saw!"
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 12:54 AM
The key to comedy? Repetition.
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 12:54 AM
Tell Michael Jackson's people we're done -- he'll be able to cruise the streets of Baghdad incognito now.
Posted by: J.D. | June 19, 2006 1:54 AM
"Her? That's Olivia Neutron-Bomb. Emergency stomach stapling. She was about to blow up."
Posted by: J.D. | June 19, 2006 2:18 AM
"When I tell people I wear a surgical gown in an operating room and
work on noses, they think I mean rhinoplasty. They are so dumb!"
Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | June 19, 2006 2:30 AM
"We're dressed this way not because we're surgeons, but to protect Thompson over there who is afflicted with an untreatable immune deficiency. We're really a team of rocket scientists and munitions experts. We are recalibrating this weapon so it will destroy more property and cause more death and injury among helpless civilians. The government pays us well to occupy our combined genius this way. I suppose I could try working the phrase "surgical strike" into this explanation, but there really is no joke here."
Posted by: J.D. | June 19, 2006 2:34 AM
"What's this written on the tailfin? ... It's some kind of unfunny non sequitur about pepperoni pizzas. Weird. ... Say, that reminds me, I'm hungry. Bob, didn't you have a coupon for Papa John's? ... Well, what the hell do you THINK you should order?"
Posted by: Somnambulist | June 19, 2006 2:58 AM
"Call Dubya and tell him the Halliburton rocket he ordered to fight the Russians is ready. It has everything he wanted:60-year-old technology, huge cost overruns, and it was built by incompetents who are trusted family friends."
Posted by: Rico | June 19, 2006 7:00 AM
"Hand me the hammer and stand back."
Posted by: Sincere Lee | June 19, 2006 8:07 AM
"I'd rather be fission."
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | June 19, 2006 9:27 AM
No, I'm not a doctor. I'm a cafeteria lady. You mean this isn't the lunch special?
Posted by: simsburybear | June 19, 2006 9:55 AM
"Jenkins! Keep quiet and act normal. We're being forced to build this nuclear warhead the sentient light fixtures suspended above. Call the police."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | June 19, 2006 10:07 AM
"Banality of evil schmanality of evil! Quit yer bellyachin' and and get back to work, you knucklehead!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 19, 2006 10:20 AM
"Egad, Smithers! Lucky for us this is an inanimate object in our operating theater, or else that fellow on the far right blithely practicing his fisting technique could be sued for malpractice, and then criminally prosecuted for rape and assault. We could even be named as co-defendents and criminal accessories, for heaven's sake!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 19, 2006 10:33 AM
"Say, fellows, does anyone else here find it somewhat... disturbing... how much this supposed missile is drawn to look like a penis? I mean, you have a very clearly engorged cockhead there, with even the suggestion of a hole for the urethra... no? Just me? Um, OK, forget I said anything."
Posted by: Vance | June 19, 2006 11:22 AM
"Smart bomb, my ass! Went out drinking and wound up in a knife fight. Twenty goddamn stitches! This kind of behavior has GOT to stop!"
Posted by: Vance | June 19, 2006 11:24 AM
Yes, I know it is...it's supposed to be...but if we have a decent opening and the DVD numbers are respectable, it won't matter...Welcome to Hollywood kid.
Posted by: LA AL | June 19, 2006 1:08 PM
"Welcome aboard. I have to apologize for the missile thing; I'm afraid we jumped the shark around when Dr. Green died of a brain tumor."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 19, 2006 2:13 PM
"If you really want to help, finish drawing that EKG monitor in the background. It's pissing me off."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 19, 2006 2:18 PM
...And when King Kong goes to use the lipstick, it will explode - killing him and saving the city. Of course, their are some variables: namely, the plan assumes that he's a cross-dresser.
Posted by: Span | June 19, 2006 3:07 PM
No, you can't fucking smoke in here.
Posted by: Span | June 19, 2006 3:09 PM
"Sanctity of marriage my ass! If they care so much about marriage why is Rumsfeld making us put in this chip that seeks out Muslim weddings? Hmm? Yeah. Didn't think so."
"How the hell should I know? All they told me was it had insurance and acute thrombophlebitis."
"Don't make a sound. You mustn't let the others know I'm asking you this. By any chance do you know anything about gyroscopic inertial guidance systems? Just nod once for 'yes' and then point to it."
"If you think what von Braun is doing to it is weird just wait 'til Jack Parsons gets here."
"Could you BE any more useless, Steve? I swear you're like a fourth wheel around here."
"Marcellus Wallace wants it. He's making a movie."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 19, 2006 3:45 PM
Al Qaeda striking our nations hospitals? The very idea is ludicrous! Now help me finish stitching up this gallbladder.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2006 3:53 PM
Sorry, Nurse Hopkins, you'll have to stay. If this whole damn O.R. goes ka-blewie, I want the best damn scrub nurse in the whole damn world right by my side!
Posted by: al in la | June 19, 2006 5:24 PM
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY 'CAUSE YOUR KID'S IN THE SCHOOL PLAY?!?
(NOTE: This is an inside joke that will be especially funny to the people I work with.)
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2006 5:27 PM
"According to the Heritage Foundation, it's either a weapon of mass destruction or an important tool in the struggle to bring democracy to the world. It depends on who fires it."
Posted by: Al Di La | June 19, 2006 6:19 PM
"Not the abortion tool kit, you moron - we're building a rocket here."
Posted by: Caligula | June 19, 2006 6:36 PM
"No, I'm not a rocket scientist..... but I stayed in a Holiday Inn last night."
Posted by: Al Akbar | June 19, 2006 6:40 PM
"So, the President asked us to make the missile 'more killy.' Now that we've opened it up, does anyone have any suggestions?"
"In my 25 years as a surgeon, this is the worst pinata I've ever opened up."
"Doctor, I'm afraid the twins are conjoined - their warheads are fused together."
"Life! Give my creation life!"
"Really? McDreamy and Meredith are back together? Wow, I didn't see THAT coming!"
Posted by: gary | June 19, 2006 6:41 PM
"Once, just ONCE, I'd like to see a bomb shaped like a vagina. Who in hell do you think is paying for 50 percent of this shit?"
Posted by: Dagbhad | June 19, 2006 6:58 PM
Now we'll just add a touch of TLC, and we're ready to close.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2006 7:02 PM
Yeah, well I think I'll just go ahead and cut the blue wire anyway...
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2006 7:04 PM
Doctor, This may be some type of trap.
Posted by: Bob Dylan's Dentist's Cousin's friend | June 19, 2006 7:05 PM
No,it is neither a `rocket in my pocket,' nor am I particularly glad to see you.
Posted by: Al in La | June 19, 2006 7:10 PM
"The anesthesia makes it look short-range."
Posted by: Jay | June 19, 2006 8:38 PM
Yes, indeed. Dr House certainly likes to play by his own set of rules.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2006 9:08 PM
"Condoleezza's vaginal fluids have corroded the circuitry is all. Nothing a little cleaning can't fix."
Posted by: david s | June 19, 2006 11:22 PM
"(Nothing funny, because there is no laugh track in the operating room. Maybe Hawkeye says something wry that sums up his attitude of laughing in the face of this crazy Korean War, or Radar does something endearingly goofy, but that's it. The doctors at the 4077 have learned to save the ha-ha for the mess hall, where it will be greeted with uproarious laughter from no specific location. Perhaps it is a sign of the madness that war induces that they have ceased to find both this, and the fact that the war has lasted eleven years, the least bit strange.)"
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 11:33 PM
"I don't care if it's sweeps, I still think Jack Bauer bringing this to Dr. House's O.R. is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen."
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 11:34 PM
"Be a dear and go make sure this cartoon isn't appearing next to some Samantha Power piece about nuclear proliferation, where it will seem not so much mildly amusing as uncharacteristically crass."
Posted by: Tim C. | June 19, 2006 11:35 PM
"We keep peeling off more and more of his skin, but he's still too big to pull out of the hatch."
Posted by: Francis | June 20, 2006 2:54 AM
"Hand me the bomb thingy."
Posted by: Francis | June 20, 2006 2:55 AM
"I thought the giant Post-It note stuck to the side of the bomb would explain what it's doing in the middle of the operating room, but it doesn't."
Posted by: Francis | June 20, 2006 9:15 AM
"Oh -- you didn't know that this project would make you sterile? I'm sorry, I should have made that clearer."
Posted by: Francis | June 20, 2006 9:33 AM
Yes, Richards, this is an inappropriate time to tell your "Johnny Deeper" joke.
Posted by: 99 | June 20, 2006 10:20 AM
No, this is Gigli. We worked on Ishtar last week.
Posted by: npm | June 20, 2006 11:30 AM
Are you wearing gouchos Marcus?
Posted by: Owen | June 20, 2006 12:03 PM
"HA!!! Are you KIDDING?? That's absurd! Haw haw haw... no, OK, you're, heh heh, you're right, maybe we, heh, shouldn't have all inhaled that nitrous oxide before starting to defuse this thing."
Posted by: Vance | June 20, 2006 12:44 PM
"This is the best prank EVER! We'll leave it on his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away."
"Yes, I'm a GS-11. If I work for another 16 years, I can retire at 62. Not a bad plan, really."
"It looks like another Carver victim. He's getting more desperate."
Posted by: Deborah | June 20, 2006 1:28 PM
"This is the first diesel engine I ever installed in a vibrator. They say the customer walks with quite a hitch in her giddyup."
Posted by: LaVoz | June 20, 2006 3:04 PM
"Of course we have to operate. Look at the picture - the rivets only go half way around."
Posted by: Rummy | June 20, 2006 4:17 PM
"Two, maybe three more hours. The internal mechanism is unharmed, thank goodness, but we're still removing bits of Slim Pickens from the casing."
(assist noted)
Posted by: J | June 20, 2006 4:26 PM
"Sure it's 60 years old and funny-looking - so are the people we're going to drop it on."
Posted by: DukeStir | June 20, 2006 4:33 PM
"Before we go any further, perhaps we should read the card that came with it."
Posted by: Bloviator | June 20, 2006 4:53 PM
"Gentlemen, our worst fears have been recognized: the card reads,'MEEP MEEP."
Posted by: Rico | June 20, 2006 6:09 PM
"Yes it IS exactly rocket science, and yes it DOES take a brain surgeon."
"Fix the cart before the tools all fall on the ground again."
"Hysterectomy? I hardly know her, she doesn't know me, and it damn near killed him."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 20, 2006 7:03 PM
"No thank you Rabbi, we don't really need that kind of service here."
Posted by: oRb | June 20, 2006 7:15 PM
"Assume the position Smitty, that is an order!"
Posted by: rob | June 20, 2006 7:20 PM
"Go get security. Tell them a bomb crashed through the ceiling and landed on the operating room table. Oh, and please inform Mrs. Martin that there were complications during her husband's surgery."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 20, 2006 7:26 PM
"We're gonna drop it on my ex-wife Lorena Bobbitt!"
Posted by: robbo | June 20, 2006 7:57 PM
"I really hate it when Marv uses the tailfin to pick his nose!"
Posted by: Robbo | June 20, 2006 8:02 PM
"You pronounce it 'miss-ILE'? Is that a Wisconsin thing?"
Posted by: Francis | June 21, 2006 1:00 AM
"Toupé."
Posted by: J.D. | June 21, 2006 3:48 AM
It's part of an order we're filling for North Korea: They want to scare the Americans with them. Rummy pays cash up front.
Posted by: Kelvin | June 21, 2006 8:40 AM
Tell Chet that it is a whale's dick after all.
Posted by: Jay | June 21, 2006 5:01 PM
"You ask me if I have a DoD complex. Well, let me tell you something: I am DoD!"
Posted by: mypalmike | June 21, 2006 5:02 PM
"Yeah, they're going to drop it on New Orleans and see if anybody notices."
Posted by: Bilbo | June 21, 2006 5:02 PM
"Hey, this reminds me of the 5 or 6 Jager-bombs I just drank at lunch. Now, hand me that sharp thingie over there."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 21, 2006 5:18 PM
"Yes, it's going to have tits. Why? - the guys at the Pentagon just like tits, that's why. Never mind how big. That's classified."
Posted by: Daghbad | June 21, 2006 6:47 PM
Genocidal Mad Scientist #1: "What's the difference between a gate, a figure eight, and the family?"
Genocidal Mad Scientist #2: "I don't know. What *is* the difference between a gate, a figure eight, and the family?"
Genocidal Mad Scientist #1: "A gate is sometimes open, and a figure eight is always closed."
Genocidal Mad Scientist #2: "And what about the family?"
Genocidal Mad Scientist #1: "Oh, they're fine. Nice of you to ask."
Posted by: J.D. | June 22, 2006 12:44 AM
"It's part of our new campaign to get mothers to breastfeed. Giving your baby formula is as dangerous as smoking while pregnant or exploding this very large missile. Get it?"
Posted by: Deborah | June 22, 2006 11:51 AM
"I don't know what's more disturbing: that this table is levitating or that there's a tiny U.F.O. sitting on the ground underneath it."
"Next person to say 'it's not brain surgery' gets punched in the tongue."
"Does it creep anyone else out when Dr. Yost ejaculates into the patient, or is that just me? Really? Nobody? 'Cause it creeps me right the fuck out."
"I don't care what anyone says, I like the partially tiled floor."
Posted by: Ari | June 23, 2006 4:15 PM
"And if you tickle it right here it will extend."
Posted by: rob | June 23, 2006 9:00 PM
Poor thing, it was seeking heat and wound up in Dom Deluise's ass.
Posted by: toothychum | June 23, 2006 10:19 PM
"No, I don't know who smeared charcoal all over the walls, and, yes, it does look and smell like a dank basement in here."
Posted by: J.D. | June 24, 2006 2:20 AM
"Technically, it's not a biological agent. It's Vieux Boulogne--recently judged the stinkiest cheese the world! Legal, yes...humane, no!"
Posted by: David | June 25, 2006 9:33 AM
"Wilma, I have no IDEA why the world's largest dildo needs tailfins. Now shut up and hand me those 'D' Cells!"
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 4:03 PM
"Scalpel!"
Posted by: Daniel Axelrod | January 22, 2007 11:23 PM