The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #55
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
"Not right now, I have to put pictures into the two empty frames above the couch. I've been meaning to get to that for a while, honestly."
Winner:
"I'm sorry Hiro, but my family would never let me date a cock Asian." —mypalmike
Finalists:
"It's time I told you something: I'm not a duck. My head is actually a rabbit's head backwards. And that beautiful girl next door? Actually an old crone. And don't even get me started on those two faces talking in the corner." —Tim C
Coffee pot: "I say, old bean, what's the difference between Evelyn Nesbit and a Rooster?"
Paper towel dispenser: "I'll bite, you old piker, what is the difference between Evelyn Nesbit and a Rooster?"
Coffee pot: "Elementary, my dear fellow: A Rooster will say 'Cock-a-Doodle-Doo,' while Evelyn Nesbit is exceedingly fond of the phrase 'Any cock'll do.'"
Paper towel dispenser: "Oh, what droll caprice! What saucy wit! I cannot hold, I may bepiss myself!" —J.D.
Comments
You have to understand, its been very hard for me. The chemo was very deleterious on my libido.
Posted by: 99 | June 11, 2006 10:12 PM
A chicken like you and a duck like me? It'll never work as we are two separate species of bird!
Posted by: Jessica | June 11, 2006 10:34 PM
"Why-a duck? Why-a no chicken?"
Posted by: Slide | June 12, 2006 12:20 AM
Lord, don't love a duck!
Posted by: J | June 12, 2006 12:37 AM
No way, pal. I've had enough cock for three lifetimes. By that I mean that it has ceased to piss of my father that I fuck chickens so I'm going back to ducks. Thanks for dinner, though.
Posted by: charles | June 12, 2006 12:49 AM
"Hang on, I think it's time to pull your wife out of the oven."
Posted by: Robbo | June 12, 2006 1:02 AM
"Can we go back to being furry? These down panties make my vagina itch."
Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | June 12, 2006 1:06 AM
"Were we really French kissing or was that your damn wobble in my mouth again?"
Posted by: oRb | June 12, 2006 1:08 AM
"Duck!"
"Randy, not here, not here! ... Over on this pillow that's marked with a huge 'X'."
"So that's what 'doodle' means."
"'Bird Flu?' No, no, I was just saying a bird flew, flew... over to europe and spread that horrific avian thing to my family... that um, what is it called again?"
"You really thought I was gonna get it on with you? HA! Cock-sucker!"
Posted by: Vance | June 12, 2006 1:30 AM
"I can't. I'm vegan."
Which came first, the chicken or the duck?
"Vooolay voooo a cooshay aveck mwah say quack?"
"Four legs good, two legs bad? But we've only got two legs. Ahh, screw it, lets go kill the humans."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 12, 2006 3:33 AM
"I'm sorry Hiro, but my family would never let me date a cock Asian."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 12, 2006 3:44 AM
"Why did you cross the road? To get to the other side, that's why."
Posted by: Jesse Skinner | June 12, 2006 4:09 AM
"Hold on, let me lay an egg so you can fertilize it! But make sure you wear a condom! I don't want to have kids yet!"
Posted by: Jesse Skinner | June 12, 2006 4:14 AM
"Look, if you peck me in the eye with that fucking beak one more time, I'm going home."
Posted by: Jesse Skinner | June 12, 2006 4:18 AM
"Stop! When I signed up for this New Yorker interbreeding cartoon gig I was told I would be sharing a bed with a human."
"Promise me you're not going to jump around on the sofa like you're some kind of a Tom Cruise."
"If we put all our eggs in the right basket we may be able to swing this into a visit from Ty Pennington to replace this god-awful 1950s era bunglow."
Posted by: ziny | June 12, 2006 7:08 AM
"You just flu in from Chicago and boy, are your wings tired? Oh, Avian, I don't think you should use that joke in your act tonight."
Posted by: Sincere Lee | June 12, 2006 7:08 AM
"I don't care if you are a capon. I still insist on a condom for STD protection."
Posted by: Brownie | June 12, 2006 7:16 AM
"Wait, let me slip into something more comfortable. This giant rubber duck suit is fun, but it's a bit impractical."
"The sky is falling! Oh, wait, it's not. We're inside a New York City apartment, and that's just a piece of plaster."
"I had my feathers waxed today. Do you like it?"
"I want to move back to the farm. This apartment is nice, but I'm not sure it makes sense for us."
Posted by: Deborah | June 12, 2006 7:28 AM
"They say a cock on the couch is better than two in the bush. Hmmm....two in the bush? Wait, I want to change my answer. Is is too late? Please?
Posted by: Condi | June 12, 2006 7:28 AM
Life is like a hurricane
Here in Duck-burg
Cushions, lampshades, picture frames
It's a duck-blur
Might knit a coaster,
Or date a roaster!
Duck tail! A-whooo-hoo!
Every day you're up here gettin' duck tail!
A-whooo-hoo!
Posted by: Walt | June 12, 2006 8:06 AM
Ooh, you're good. But are you finger-lickin' good?
Posted by: Walt | June 12, 2006 8:08 AM
Quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack. Quack quack.
Posted by: Walt | June 12, 2006 8:11 AM
"The last time we did this all I ended up with is a boxful of clucking quackers."
Posted by: Hector | June 12, 2006 8:17 AM
That's not what I meant by "free range"!
Wait, where's the turkey? You promised we could do it turducken-style tonight!
I'm sorry, but that's a cock-a-doodle-don't.
Posted by: Maud | June 12, 2006 9:07 AM
Worst. X-Men movie. Ever.
"You promise you're Zeus?"
"Just so you know, Gareth, I've never done it in a general interest magazine before."
"Mallard? Oh, sure, I bet we all look alike to you."
"Are you sure this is where geese come from."
"Hurry, Kenny Rogers'll be home any minute."
"Daffy like a fox!"
"I want you in my cloaca. Now."
"You roc my world."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 12, 2006 11:28 AM
"It's watertight and it's all yours."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 12, 2006 11:29 AM
"Our party of flight is nye over. Tomorrow you'll be back with your flock and me with my raft. But I shan't brood. I will muster my charm to offer you such exaltation as to leave you with a bevy of fond memories of the cauldron of deceit we have cast." "Stop! You're going to gaggle me with a spoon with the ostentation of your chattering murmurations."
Posted by: Martin | June 12, 2006 11:31 AM
"Stop it! You're as fresh as a Frank Perdue fryer!"
Posted by: Connie | June 12, 2006 11:41 AM
"You know you should think about a new comb do. It did wonders for Clay Aiken."
Posted by: Johnny | June 12, 2006 11:44 AM
"But, you're not anatomically correct!"
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | June 12, 2006 12:05 PM
"'It tastes just like chicken?' That's supposed to make me want to lick it?"
"How about I call my friend Turkey Lurkey and we can make a Turducken?"
"It's time I told you something: I'm not a duck. My head is actually a rabbit's head backwards. And that beautiful girl next door? Actually an old crone. And don't even get me started on those two faces talking in the corner."
"C'mon, honey, slow down! You know that duck takes an extra twenty minutes to prepare."
"I don't care if we're not technically related, or even the same species -- you're still my stepdad, and this is wrong."
Posted by: Tim C. | June 12, 2006 2:10 PM
"No, wait. I want to, but... I think I may have a cold sore. I'm sorry, I know, it sucks."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 12, 2006 3:13 PM
"Oh, uh, heh... what else rhymes with 'duck', huh? Um... 'truck'? Heh. You want to buy a truck? Or, um, heh, 'buck', maybe? Heh..."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 12, 2006 3:19 PM
I can't, for you are a rooster, and I am a duck. Or perhaps you are a peacock, and me, a platypus. Either way, it's all wrong.
Posted by: Harry | June 12, 2006 3:36 PM
Look, I'm telling you. I'm not gay.
Posted by: Harry | June 12, 2006 3:41 PM
"How about I just suck your wattle a little?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | June 12, 2006 4:03 PM
"Excuse me, but you don't appear to have anything between your legs....what did you have in mind? ... oh, I'm sorry ... mind.... look in the eyes of a chicken... but I digress."
Posted by: Berta | June 12, 2006 4:15 PM
(To George W. Bush)
"Excuse me, but you don't seem to have anything between your ears....what did you have in mind?...oh, I'm sorry....mind...look in the eyes of a chickenhawk...but I digress."
Posted by: JK | June 12, 2006 6:11 PM
"Please stop!"
"What's the problemo mi little duckling dumpling.." *smooch*
"I have to tell you something..."
"Yes?"
"I don't like cock"
*blink*
Posted by: mike | June 12, 2006 8:25 PM
"You have such -- I mean, you are -- err.... COCK COCK COCK COCK COCK. Sorry, I've been holding that one back for three years."
Posted by: Anno-nymous | June 12, 2006 8:27 PM
"Come on baby, just pullet."
__
"Grab my breast and make a wish."
Posted by: Jay | June 12, 2006 9:38 PM
"I love you, Silvia."
Posted by: MattyI | June 13, 2006 12:09 AM
"As I'm sure you know, I must deny you three times before you crow."
"You know, you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but before we go any further, I've got to ask: What's with the comb?"
"Wait: What do you mean you'll be 'leaving tomorrow with the Padres'?"
"I'm sorry, Frank, it'll never work. Y'see, I gotta fly, while you... well, you know."
"No, that's not how the joke goes. It's not 'how do you go down on a duck?', it's 'how do you GET down FROM a duck'. Oh, wait. I see what you meant."
"Sorry, baby. Duck season just ended."
Posted by: Tim C. | June 13, 2006 12:38 AM
"I didn't say I was crazy. I said I was fucking Goofy."
"I'm sorry to be so expressionless. It's not that I don't have feelings for you. It's just that the artist decided that the paper towels in the kitchen deserved more detail than my face."
"Fondue!"
Posted by: mypalmike | June 13, 2006 12:54 AM
"Wait! I have a confession to make...I'm actually a drake."
Posted by: Francis | June 13, 2006 1:14 AM
"Hang on, you've got something on your chin."
Posted by: Francis | June 13, 2006 1:18 AM
"If we don't stop, right here, right now, this will become the only memorable strip in the entire Mallard Fillmore oeuvre. And I wouldn't want to give the Cross-Dressing Jewish Liberal Tax-Supported Media the satisfaction of recognizing our product's incessant mediocrity. Our love must wait, Ben."
Posted by: J | June 13, 2006 10:19 AM
No really. I was just kidding when I said there was corn down there and I wanted you to eat it. In fact, there really is nothing you can do for me. You have no penis and I really dont like the idea of someone pecking at my couchie with their beak. I think its time for you to go home now.
Posted by: sir bogus | June 13, 2006 10:47 AM
Don't make chicken soup on my clean sofa
Posted by: Gray Nixon | June 13, 2006 11:27 AM
"So you're a big fan of the 'Feather and Father Gang,' too? That Harold Gould was some kind of a man."
Posted by: Gray Nixon | June 13, 2006 11:29 AM
A long, long time ago, we were the same species, and our families would embrace our love... Damn you, evolution!
Posted by: Harry | June 13, 2006 11:45 AM
Sorry, let me rephrase that:
A long, long time ago, we were the same species, and our families would have embraced our love... DAMN YOU, EVOLUTION!
Posted by: Harry | June 13, 2006 11:50 AM
Just so you know, my parents think I'm dating a pheasant.
Posted by: jake | June 13, 2006 1:14 PM
thank you craigslist!
Posted by: Owen | June 13, 2006 4:42 PM
Wait a minute! This is either a very small house or we are really big birds.
Posted by: D | June 13, 2006 5:55 PM
"I like a giant cock as much as the next person, but the perfect symmetry of your furniture arrangement speaks volumes ..."
Posted by: J.D. | June 13, 2006 11:57 PM
"You are one, but you don't have one. You are a very big one indeed. But you still don't have one."
Posted by: J.D. | June 14, 2006 12:30 AM
"You wanna scramble my eggs? Puh-leez, that line went out with Mrs. Fiske!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 14, 2006 12:38 AM
"Oooo, baby, baby, I wanna roll you around in flour and look for the wet spot."
Posted by: J.D. | June 14, 2006 12:48 AM
"Wait! I just remembered I left a jar of mustard with a tiny spoon in it open on the kitchen counter!"
Posted by: Vance | June 14, 2006 12:56 AM
Coffee pot: "I say, old bean, what's the difference between Evelyn Nesbit and a Rooster?"
Paper towel dispenser: "I'll bite, you old piker, what is the difference between Evelyn Nesbit and a Rooster?"
Coffee pot: "Elementary, my dear fellow: A Rooster will say 'Cock-a-Doodle-Doo,' while Evelyn Nesbit is exceedingly fond of the phrase 'Any cock'll do.'"
Paper towel dispenser: "Oh, what droll caprice! What saucy wit! I cannot hold, I may bepiss myself!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 14, 2006 1:13 AM
"Promise me you won't peck and tell."
Posted by: Francis | June 14, 2006 8:23 AM
"It's true...I'm Popeye, cruelly transformed into a duck (albeit one with gigantic forearms -- I mean forewings, I guess) by a wicked witch, and only a kiss from a rooster can transform me back to my true form. But we can still have sex after I change back."
Posted by: Francis | June 14, 2006 8:30 AM
"Blecch! Your breath smells like cloaca."
Posted by: dave s | June 14, 2006 12:08 PM
"We never could have bought a lovely house like this if you hadn't applied for Katrina relief funds."
Posted by: Bilbo | June 14, 2006 5:21 PM
"I don't care what Bugs told you...IT'S RABBIT SEASON."
Posted by: E. Fudd | June 14, 2006 6:43 PM
"Well, that wath dethpicable."
Posted by: Slide | June 15, 2006 1:04 PM
"I'm looking for a HEARTBEAT! I'm looking for a HEARTBEAT! I'm looking for a HEARTBEAT! I'm looking for a HEARTBEAT!"
Posted by: Josh | June 15, 2006 4:11 PM
"I'll have you know; I am not like your wife, that subservient chicken..."
Posted by: Josh | June 15, 2006 4:25 PM
"Sure I love you, but why do you keep trying to force corn down my gullet?"
"Hey- parts is parts ... and it's perfectly legal in New York. Love to love you, baby."
Posted by: Condi | June 15, 2006 6:38 PM
"Once you've had a taste of the free-range lifestyle, baby, there'll be no going back."
"A Pulitzer prize! Really? For me?"
Posted by: RichM | June 15, 2006 10:14 PM
"But what'll we do if I get pregnant? Pffffffffffft ha ha ha! Oh, I'm sorry...it's just that 'what'll' sounds like 'wattle' and...ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, sorry. Look, let's take a break and see if I get back in the mood."
Posted by: Francis | June 15, 2006 10:49 PM
Birds without feathers fuck together!
Posted by: David | June 16, 2006 12:08 AM
"I'm leaving you. Damned homosexuals have destroyed the sanctity of our marriage."
Posted by: J.D. | June 16, 2006 3:48 AM
"Let's cluck."
Posted by: MPC | June 16, 2006 11:44 AM
"You've got to let go of that egg thing. When you're with me, I come first."
Posted by: David | June 16, 2006 2:29 PM
"C'mon, baby. Do me 'till my plastic thermometer pops."
"I'll warn you now: There's not much room. A couple hours ago, I had my ass crammed with Stove Top stuffing."
"'Now I'm gonna brine you'? THAT'S the line you use to make your big move? Just go. Get your coat and go."
Posted by: Tim C. | June 17, 2006 12:32 AM
"I just flew in from the coast, and boy is the convention of the sketchily-drawn, non-sequitur captioned, one-panel cartoon tired."
Posted by: J.D. | June 17, 2006 12:32 AM
"This will never work. I'm a small woman dressed in a duck costume, and you're a abnormally large rooster."
Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2006 8:20 AM
For the completists:
Everyone knows your wattle is
a clip-on.
Posted by: 99 | June 17, 2006 1:47 PM
"I'm losing altitude - I'm going to read." (He won't be the first dumb cluck to fall for than line.")
Posted by: Square 4 | June 17, 2006 3:26 PM
"I need to tell you Hank, that I'm not really a web-footed duck. I am chicken like you but, well let's just say that my parents were born of the same nest."
Posted by: Robbo | June 18, 2006 12:24 PM
"If you stop now, I won’t bill you."
"Have you been checked for avian flu?"
“This beats hanging around Chinatown!”
"Would you settle for a simple peck on the cheek?"
“Your pillows remind me: We haven’t played tic-tac-toe in a while.”
“I can’t believe I’m making out with the tic-tac-toe champion of Chinatown!”
Posted by: David | June 18, 2006 12:32 PM
"Yes, Doodles, we're non-sequiturs in a country that is also decidedly non-sequiturious, deleterious and quite nefarious. Get used to it. In addition, 'The Chicken Dance' will not be played at the reception.Who are you, really?"
Posted by: Bilbo | June 18, 2006 5:37 PM
"Wait! Tell me it's me, me that you want, and not just my fatty eggs."
Posted by: Michael | June 18, 2006 6:00 PM
"I would never fuck you in a million years."
Posted by: Isocrates | August 16, 2006 3:16 PM
Robbie the Rooster prepares to "play" with his new "rubber ducky".
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 3:42 PM