June 5, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #54

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"This time tomorrow we'll be dead from dehydration."

"Five more minutes, and I get the shoe."

"Debemos apresurarnos. Pronto construirán la pared."

Results are jumping

"Mickey's pointing right at your withered foot! Like he can see it!" —TG Gibbon

"Please, sir, help me. I fell out of a helicopter and my arm is badly broken. Take my watch as a token of appreciation." —Harry

"Ah, what a great place to get away from it all on this fine 16th day of July in 1945. Yes, indeed, here at 33.675° N, 106.475° W, in the desert thirty miles southeast of Socorro, NM - it's the perfect place to spend a peaceful early morning." —mypalmike

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"And it's waterproof too!"

"Of course I'm happy! I just realized that I can get to the condensation if I eat my watch."

"3 P.M. and no FedEx. That's a full refund!"

"Whoops, is that the time? The missus is gonna kill me."

"Yep, it's a Rolex! What did you find?"

"Hey, it's almost lunch time! Wanna sandwich? And after that, want desert?"

"And what sort of cow do you suppose that was?"

By this time tomorrow we should make it into Baghdad. I just hope we aren't shot because our pants are too short.

"Calling Dick Tracy. Calling Dick Tracy. Ha ha, I love that movie. I wish I had the DVD. Madonna is hot!"

I signed up for this archaeology class to complete the science requirements for my Bachelor's degree. How long is it again that we have to wait for a full professor to show up?

"Hey, it's 4:20."

"Great. First, I get headaches similar to what is experienced as a hangover, a sudden episode of visual snow, decreased blood pressure (hypotension), and dizziness when standing up due to orthostatic hypotension and now my watch died!"

"According to this watch my cranial dysmorphia is worse than yours."

"Do we have time for a shave before dinner at the Wildensteins?"

"Well, shall we go?"

"The watchband is the only thing keeping my paw from swelling up like my forearm."

"I figure we'll be evolved enough to walk home by 3:00."

"Mickey's pointing right at your withered foot! Like he can see it!"

"Watch, this!"

"Ooooo, look, now I'm hallucinating a watch on my wrist! And a second bearded guy too! Hello there! How are you?"

"OK, looks like it's time for one of us to start eating the other. And as you know, protocol calls for whoever has he bigger forehead to be the eater."

"Man, can you believe it's been almost two hours since we last had sex? Off with the raggedy pants again! ... and as always, keep your shoe on."

"D'oh! You know what? We've been wandering around here for five days and I totally forgot I had this GPS-relay device on my wrist. I'll send a signal back to headquarters and have 'em pick us up, what say?"

"I just can’t quit you or this dangblasted cattle skull! Anyway, what are you in the mood for? We’ve got about an hour."

"Well, I told you to meet me by the sun-bleached cow skull at noon, and sure enough here you are! I have to tell you, I really appreciate your promptness!"

"Gee, you'd've thunk Mr. Van Sant would have rolled credits, by now. He must really hate his audience."

"Fifty years of wandering this garndanged desert, and all I get is this crummy watch. (pause for laughter) I'm just kidding. Thank you, so very much. You're like family, to me, all of you. I'd like to thank..."

"I submitted this drawing to the New Yorker caption contest after Playboy rejected it. The caption was supposed to be 'It's been 8 years, 242 days, 13 hours, 22 minutes and 13 seconds since I've seen a nice pair of tits.'" --Gahan Wilson

"THE TICKING, IT DRIVES ME INSANE. INSANE!!! But it's all I have. Well, that, and the runs."

" So you're saying my watch has been off for an hour the whole time I've been here because Arizona doesn't comply with Daylight Savings Time. Boy, do I feel foolish."

Imagine two big stars like us, Mel Blanc and Phil Harris, lost on the desert! I told you Mr. Benny was a skinflint. Look how these cheap clothes he gave us are falling apart. At least this nice watch that Mary Livingstone gave me from the May Company is still working.

It's time.

If we last until the day after tomorrow, a raging ice storm will pass through, and we might survive.

Only three more hours until my transformation to a camel is complete.

We can make it into town in time for "Desperate Housewives." Or we can stay here and die. Your call.

Please, sir, help me. I fell out of a helicopter and my arm is badly broken. Take my watch as a token of appreciation.

Spring forward, fall back. Spring forward, fall back. Spring forward, fall back....

"Five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR! Oh, wait - I think it's stopped."

"Yeah, it's 4:20. So a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. No, listen! This actually happened to my friend Steve."

"Well, you were right. We *can* devour an entire steer in twenty minutes."

"Aaaaaand -- now! Whew. 6:06:06 on 6-6-06 passed without anything bad happening to us! Aside from slowly dying of dehydration in the middle of the desert, I mean."

10 minutes 'til the ice cream man comes!!

If that delivery driver isn't here in 30 minutes, then our pepperoni pizzas are FREE!

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Who is going to suck my ____?

Hey, it's happy hour in Des Moines!

"Have you ever smelled your wrist? I mean *really* smelled your wrist?"

"I've got a couple more guildies showing up in about five minutes. Is this your first Zul'Farrak run?"

"You know, they're right! I've been licking this watch for hours in the irrational hope that doing so will provide me with some much-needed moisture, and it's kept on ticking!"

"According to the thermometer on my $500 watch, it's 109 degrees out right now!"

"No, it doesn't have a compass. But would you like to play Tetris?"

Twenty hours until we're dead, give or take.

The digits on my watch are slowing fading. Just like the light in your eyes.

"And now it's my turn. I spy with my little eye something that begins with a 'w.'"

"You're right, Benny. That's gonna be one killer tanline."

"Oh, would you look at that! My watch was on my wrist the whole time! I feel pretty silly, making us come all this way to look for it. So, do you remember how to get back?"

Remember when you said you'd let me drink your urine if we were still alive at 2:30? Well, guess what time it is???

"Wow, Fred, I swear when I look at my wrist that there's a little minitature roast chicken on it, frying away. Y'see it? Mmm, chicken."

"Oh, thank goodness it's time for my salon appointment -- my hair is an absolute _fright_!"

"Ah, what a great place to get away from it all on this fine 16th day of July in 1945. Yes, indeed, here at 33.675° N, 106.475° W, in the desert thirty miles southeast of Socorro, NM - it's the perfect place to spend a peaceful early morning."

Si, Salvador, the hands are melting. This is truly a most sublime and surreal way to die!

"Time to get a watch."

"Shoe's untied."

"Go back to Pakistan! Kashmir belongs to India!"

"I won the immunity challenge! You're definitely getting voted off at this week's tribal council."

"I think Oasis should be going on stage any time now."

"No, I meant I wish I had a Hum-Vee right now. But thanks for the offer."

HEllOOOOO Mister Watch!!!

no...I will not trade this watch for a sip of urine

"Hey, you know what? It's Monday morning back in the states - just about time for them to be starting another caption contest, K1613. Do you think anyone back there is wondering where you are - or guessing that we finally got our freedom? Ah yes... horrible, horrible freedom!"

" I'm too sexy for my watch...too sexy for my watch...too sexy..."

Wow, when you said "Don't take your shoes off, after we finish having sex, we'll be miles from here," you weren't kidding! Plus, it's like six hours later. I hardly even noticed.

We've been crawling up the beach for 45 minutes. Let's go back.

We're receiving transmissions from the Dharma initiative. It's an episode of "Dharma and Greg." I guess that makes sense.

Jawohl, Kommandant Rommel, vee haff finished buryink der tanks. Next time, we usink der shovels, ja?

Silly me, this whole time we've been crawling *south*. Whoopsie!

At last we've perfected the "dirty carpet bomb," which destroys shoes while leaving clothing and living flesh intact, thereby preventing dirty carpets. But AT WHAT COST?!?!?

You're late. So you have to wear the skull during sex.

"Yep, I'm a mirage. And I'll only be here for about five more minutes, so if you have any requests, make them now."

"I'm callin' it: Time of death, 1:14. God, I've always wanted to do that!"

"Hey, thanks for the watch! But are you sure you won't be needing it?"

"Okay, it's been five minutes, now let's rinse that conditioner out of your-- Oh, shit. I really didn't think this through."

"Congratulations, David Blaine, you've done yet another physically arduous thing for no apparent reason, although unfortunately, you haven't broken the record for desert-crawling."

"2:37. What time do you have?"

"Good news! My tamagotchi is having babies!"

"Hey, Nancy Grace should be profiling our disappearance right about now -- unless there's a missing white woman of childbearing age, of course."

It's 10:12. And say, there is no reason for you to turn your entire body to face me. It's an incredible waste of energy. But now as I've said that, I see you have no neck to turn, and malformed ears suggest you may have limited hearing requiring lip-reading. So, I do appologize for that first remark IF you are so physically challenged.

"I took up extreme crawling after some asshole stole my accordian. How about you?"

"I know we've been lost for hours, but I'm sure Jeff Probst won't let us die."

"Great! A new record! It's been over 10 seconds since you asked if it was hot nuff' for me."

"There comes a time in every man's life when he must learn, firsthand, the etymology of the word 'squick'. That time is now."

"Come on, chap, we've been tittering about for hours now! If we're ever going to get around each other, we just both need to pass each other on the left. Oh, bloody American!"

"Do you know what time it is Ahmed? It's time for Fox News to tell us all about the GOOD things that are happening here in the green zone."

Yes, I realize this is Vermont, and it is February in the year 2025--but as a life-long pro-business, Bible-thumping Republican, I still stay the is no conclusive proof that global warming is a problem.

This is great! The last time Wilson put me in one of these things I was an empty suit testifying before the senate.

"May Day - May Day - Yes, if you can hear me.. please send two joints of mutton, two bottles of Snapple, iced, and two tits - I mean, two pairs of shoes, please... and hurry please. Thank you."

"No,man- the watch just appeared..... it's some kind of a sign....wait... I'm being told to nail two pieces of wood together and drag them around until I develop a cult....er, a following. I know it's crazy, but it just might work. Oh no, man..don't bust my bubble.... you're saying it's been done? Well, OK, lets drag that steer head around and see who shows up."

"To think, we were only locked in that Wal*Mart overnight. How time flies!"

"What time, you say? Well, let me see if I can tell from my watch - oh no, that's right, I can't tell from my watch, because for the three-hundredth fucking time, my watch DOESN'T HAVE ANY HANDS!"

Fusilli, you crazy bastard! AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaugh... water please for the love of god water

"Hi, watch - why the long hand?"

"This? No, it's not a watch, it's a wrist-mirror. Mmmmmm, Carmine, you are lookin' gooood tonight!"

Why yes, Johnson's watch does look good on me. I can't wait to see how your navel ring will look in my ear once I finish eating you.

Either this cow is dead or my watch has stopped.

In just under five minutes I will ease our plight by regaling you with some choice Noel Coward witticisms!

Ooh! Ooh! How 'bout this: At half past noon, you put on the cow head and this time I'll be the horny milkmaid?

"The 5:00 vulture ought to be by any minute now . . . oh, how I pray he consumes my brain and relieves me of my misery."

"Jesus, would you look at the time -- If I could find my keys, I'd drive us both out of here."

"I'd love to play another game of Skullball, Mickey, but I told my wife I'd be back in five minutes. Of course, that was 20 years ago. . ."

"I still can't believe that after we crawled through the desert for 3 hours, that asswipe maitre d' at the oasis wouldn't give us a glass of water, just because we weren't wearing ties!"

"Whoa there! How long 'you been following me?"

"Good grief, it's still low tide!"

"Five o'clock shadow right on time."

"Last week at this time I was a giant fly and you were my bitch."

"What's my blood pressure? Hmm, let me check. Oh, damn, my portable sphygmomanometer's batteries have died."

"We still have twenty minutes till the movie An Inconvenient Truth begins, featuring former presidential candidate Al Gore speaking about global warming. Geez, is it hot and arid out here or what?"

"Five minutes til Wapner."

"Do you feel 'horny'? Because of this seletal carcass's 'horns'? Get it? It's 'time' you got it--which is why I'm checking my watch now!"

"This old thing? - no, it's not a watch.... it's a bullet hole. I had it framed. Look, you can see right through to the sand."

"Yes, yes, .. at this exact time, Laura caught him on his way out the door with his flight jacket and his 'Mission Accomplished' sign. Apparently she was able to lure him back to his room with pretzels. She is a good wife, indeed."

"Midnight at the oasis!"

"I just missed yet another power breakfast!"

"If I don't die in the next 5 minutes, I get to keep it!"

"...And no tan line! This lotion really is the best!"

"It's still working! And it's just a knock-off I bought on Canal St."

"I swear to God, Irwin, the klezmer band should be starting right now... no, no, I wouldn't drag you out here just for sex. Let's start dancing - maybe they'll show up. Left, left, left, right - you got it."

The Blair Watch Project

"I'm sure it's right at least twice a day!"

"Hey--it says my watch is a Rolex! Must be a mirage...."

"We'll be able to start walking in an hour--after the Viagra wears off. In the meantime, we might as well make the most of the situation, sexy!"

See, I told you so! Eleven-twenty exactly, and the giant cartoon dubya head is just starting to rise in the east!

dude what happened last night?

"Me? I've been here in Ann Coulter's vagina, oh, geez, about 24 hours now. Help me find my three friends ... they got a motorcycle ... we can all get the hell out of here ..."

"I'm loooosssing my miiiiiinnndd, ahahahahaha..."

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2