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May 28, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #53

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

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"So what's the buzz? No, I mean from your wings vibrating 300 times per second, I know there's no buzz in the styles section."

"So, is Tom Friedman full of shit again?"*

*Also works with: Maureen Dowd or David Brooks

Results after the jump

Winner
"Move that newspaper so I can see your fac— OH MY GOD!" —Harry

Finalists
"Honey, could we go buy some new pillows tomorrow? Ones that aren't two and a half feet tall? Also, I'd appreciate it if you weren't a giant fly." — Francis

"Why, I had no idea that the Mona Lisa contained such intricate messages! Which is odd, because usually I'm so perceptive." —Tim C

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"Honey, you know it's your turn to feed the maggots."

"That's it! Tomorrow I'm shaving your back."

or

"Listen to this honey: The gene fru governs the fly's courtship and mating ritual, including the male fly's ability to recognize a female.

Not tonight; I have a headache."

You sure you're not Spanish?

"One of these days, TSA will get back to me about the No Fly List."

"Eat shit and die."

"You'd think that, what with half your brain dedicated to sight, you wouldn't have to hold the paper so close."

"No, I won't 'help you, please help you' find a four-letter word for incapacitated."

I think the Manhattan Skyline is getting suspicious

"Did you hear something, Fred? - a little, oh, I don't know, kind of an enormous devouring insect rustling its way into the bed and devouring one of its occupants? Did ya? Fred."

"Why is it every fantasy seems to involve you being quick, inattentive and flighty, and me being - oh, all right, all right. ahem...Let's see here, now where is that recipe for fecally-contaminated meat...?"

"My sister said that she'll be here around six to watch the maggots. I'll leave her a Lean Cuisine in the freezer - I don't think she likes the rotting meat."

"I met Edna's boyfriend. He's a nice man, but I don't think he's right for her. He's at least 12 years older, and I think his father is Jewish."

"Suzie brought her little friend home from school today. She's very cute - part ladybug, I think."

"Forget my father. He's very stubborn, and he doesn't realize that mixed marriages are common these days."

"This wedding is getting out of hand. Do we really need to invite ALL of your cousins?"

I'm just dismayed you failed to note my victory.

I know I said that six hands and some vibrating wings might make a difference....but I guess I was wrong. Too bad you're stuck being a fly. Good luck and buzz off...

Stop already with the science section, I'm trying to read! It's so boring it's like a low, dull buzzing in my ears.

Hey, wait a minute....

"Henry, you used to be such a killer in bed. What happened? "

"Bob, so how's work at the nuclear power plant?"

"Honey, I have a confession to make. I've been cheating on you with a snow globe."

Dear, have you seen my hips and buttocks? I thought they'd just sunk impossibly deep into the mattress, but since my legs now appear to connect directly to the bottom of my ribcage, I can't find them at all.

Don't move. There are four deadly tarantulas creeping up on us under the sheets. And I think they're wearing party hats.

I don't care what the gossip column says about us. In this day and age, I don't think sleeping in a bed that's two feet two short is anything to be ashamed of.

Gaah, that should be "...two feet too short..." of course.

Hey--the whole turning into a bug thing was a metaphor.

"Yes, Buzzy, I think any of Rupert Murdoch's papers is going to smell good to you."

"I'm thinking of getting my hair cut short. No, I mean really short."

Hey Jeff - is that the script for Jurassic Park you're reading?

“Yes, dear, I’m sure you’re right. It will turn a profit on DVD. I thought we weren’t going to do this, obsess over the Sunday morning box office numbers. We’ve been here before: People still like you. People still want to work with you. We’re financially secure. You still have your Oscar and they can’t take it back, no matter what it says on that online petition. The future of some throwaway family comedy isn’t important to me. All that matters is you’re the same Robin Williams who’s been making me laugh for almost eighteen wonderful years.”

Oh all right. To avoid confusion I won't refer to my vibrator as "Buzzy" anymore.

"Don't wash that vibrator- I'll be back in two weeks."

"Will you take that goddamn Halloween costume off already? It's almost June, for fuck's sake."

"Honey, could we go buy some new pillows tomorrow? Ones that aren't two and a half feet tall? Also, I'd appreciate it if you weren't a giant fly."

"I've been thinking...maybe your idea about having an open marriage isn't such a bad idea after all."

"Please stop eating in bed, Harold. There are little crumbs of shit everywhere."

"Hey Buzzrick, would you please get your silverwear out of the bathroom?"

"Hey Buzzrick, would you please get your silverwear out of the bathroom?"

No Henry, I don't think there is such a job listing in the want-ads as 'Fly on the Wall Surveillance Agent.

"I know - Let's have a big potty and invite your whole family."

"Darling, in the transferrence, I know that the Monster got some of your wonderful brain. But, I've always wondered, what did you get from him?"

"Bzzzzz. . . ."

"Oh, oh - Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!"

"Duane, listen to this: 'You are to consider detestable all swarming insects' Leviticus 11:20.
I love reading the Bible before performing fellatio."

"I've told you a thousand times, I can't USE the perfume you bought me. It's pollen-based, and you know I have hay fever. Sigh. . . Maybe we're just not compatible."

"I think it's time one of us had 'the talk' with Buzz. He's nearly three months old now, and soon he'll be molting."

"Two hundred eyes, and you don't even notice I got my eyebrows waxed. . . Herb, what's happened to us?"

"Jack, I know it's hard for you to talk about, but you haven't worked since you were a stunt double for Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly,' and that was almost 20 years ago. Maybe it's time we left Hollywood. . . You could open that compost heap you've always talked about."

"I've told you a thousand times, I can't USE the perfume you bought me. It's pollen-based, and you know I have hay fever. Sigh. . . Maybe we're just not compatible."

"I think it's time one of us had 'the talk' with Buzz. He's nearly three months old now, and soon he'll be molting."

"Two hundred eyes, and you don't even notice I got my eyebrows waxed. . . Herb, what's happened to us?"

"Jack, I know it's hard for you to talk about, but you haven't worked since you were a stunt double for Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly,' and that was almost 20 years ago. Maybe it's time we left Hollywood. . . You could open that compost heap you've always talked about."

"I could have told you that pretending you were Jeff Goldblum wouldn't put me any more in the mood."

"There's an interesting recipe here for shit souffle. I'll go to the brown market tomorrow and pick up the ingredients."

You know Herb, when I married you I thought you were a fly, but now, reading this cartoon panel, I realize that each of your four forelegs ends in a badger-like claw. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!?!?!?! ... Also, I'm hungry, so please order me a pepperoni pizza.

"What's with the deely-boppers? And the bug-suit? And the Washington Times? And you want me to read aloud from your screenplay about avenging teenage angels? You're definitely the sickest trick I've ever had, Mr. Goss."

"Mother told me not to marry a Cypriot."

"Well, after that sad display I have no idea why they call you a 'horse' fly."

"The Hausfrau and the Housefly," starring Marcia Wallace and Andy Serkis, coming this Fall to ABC.

"Just you watch and see. The New Yorker and the Times have decided the narrative this year is how the Democrats can and will still lose in November."

"I told her 'Of course my husband enjoyed your caserole, he's a coprophage,' and, my god, you should have seen her face drop to the floor. I just couldn't help it. She brings out the worst in me with her slavish false-consciousness and her fat ass."

"Well, I'll be damned. You do have three testicles."

"We're having lunch tomorrow with Charlotte and that snow globe she's dating. Try not to stare."

"Enough reading, time to sleep. Oh wait, I forgot, this bed is way too short to lie down in."

"That's right, Buzzy, I spoke directly with Reverend Falwell and he says as long as there's no gays or lesbians involved, he doesn't have a problem with it."

"I wish I could quit you."

"Yes, dear."

I'm not sure what is more depressing: This new Joan Didion novel or the fact that I'm shagging a fly.

"You're paranoid, Kevin. Immigrants don't want your job."

"Don't be rediculous. I never said you were eentsy beentsy."

"I noticed you used up all my ointment again."

"I need to shave!? Look who's talking!"

" Okay, I lied. I'm not really a maggot on the verge of morphing into whatever the hell you are."

"There's no humor left in our relationship."

"I don't know how you do it, but you've managed to convince 9 out of 10 caption-writers that you're a fly, despite the two antennae, a protruding head of fur, and two sets of wide hands each with four fingers."

"I figured rereading 'Where the Wild Things Are' would remind me of my childhood, but it just reminds me of you."

"First you dress up like a tree, and now this!?"

"Look, if you want to entice me into your plushie fetish, try a bunny rabbit outfit, not some... bug-monster thing."

"'As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant insect.' Well, that's just the most absurd thing I've ever heard."

"Look, I'll tell my parents about us when I'm ready. I mean, it's one thing for me to be dating a fly... but dating a female fly? This'll just kill my dad."

"Sorry, dear, I'm thirty pages in and they *still* haven't cleared up why the old lady swallowed your cousin."

"Why, I had no *idea* that the Mona Lisa contained such intricate messages! Which is odd, because usually I'm so perceptive."

"No, I'm not in the mood. God, what is it with you? We just met, and you want to mate like there's no tomorrow."

"Nope, it's still just about a bunch of British school kids stuck on an island."

"Oh, I can handle fly-by-night so long as you deliver donkey-by-day."

Naturally I thought you said your name "Hugh Jackman" NOT "Huge Ackman." Fucking mutants...

"Yes, Buzzy, if that thing in the last cartoon was a whale, you can be a fly."

Move that newspaper so I can see your fac— OH MY GOD!

You're always reading the FUCKING paper, and never talking to me. That's why I look so angry.

All you ever do is read the New York Times and watch the Bee Bee Cee. And New York Times doesn't even have a Bee pun in it.

Don't you have difficulty breathing? Because as your size increases, your weight increases by a power of three, while your lung capacity and surface area only increase by power of two. That's why insects are small.

Fart in this bed one more time and I'm gonna roll that thing up and swat you with it.

"Man, this cartoon on page 56 of the November 7, 2005 edition of the New Yorker really strikes a chord."

Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that fellow who played the captain in "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?"

"Frank, we need to dance."


see, it's a bee, not a fly

"So now you're a tree slug trapped in an oversized housefly's body? And you couldn't have figured this out BEFORE your last surgery? To be honest, I've about had it with your "I just gotta be me" bullshit."

"God, I just love these custom inflatables: Next I'm going to get Condi spanking Colin Powell with a hairbrush as he reads his Washington Post and sneers like Dick Cheney."

"Yes, honey, you've made the joke about how you're 'stuck' to your 'fly paper' about a million times. If you don't want to have sex with me anymore, you can just say so."

"Oooh! I just felt one of the maggots kick!"

"Y'know, I'm getting really sick of hearing about how much you'd like to suck on Marmaduke. I mean, hel-lo? Warm-blooded mammal with feelings, right here next to you!"

"Quit being a baby. You'd think 'your breath smells like ass' would be a compliment to your kind."

"Remember the early days? When I thought it was endearing that you walk on the ceiling, and you thought I was the shit? Ever since my infection cleared up, I don't seem to attract you anymore. Now I just wish you'd close the toilet when you're done, and stop having your diapers and newspapers in bed. But on the plus side, it says here your lifespan is shorter than the typical divorce case. Can you even hear in my vocal range? Disease vector."

"Why haven't you introduced me to your parents yet? You're embarrassed of me, aren't you? It's because I'm not a dung beetle!"

I'm not sure that the advertised $499 per eye price for Lasik applies to compound eyes dear.

I don't know how you can be comfortable reading a newspaper when it's been used as a weapon of mass destruction against your kind for so many years.

"Tell me again where you found a newspaper printed in your language. Oh Buzzy - you went to New Jersey again, didn't you?"

http://salon.com/comics/boll/2006/06/01/boll/index1.html

"Of course the pages are stuck together - just like my legs. It doesn't matter... you can't read and you sure can't fuck."

"Howard Dean says we're welcome in the party of diversity, but please don't hit the talk shows until after the election. He's so rude."

"Happy hour?... oh just surprise me....no, wait - I know what I need - make it a double stinger."

"Ah, here's that book of pressed dried flowers I saved from last summer. Strange - the pages are still sticky. Wait, please tell me you have not been pollenating them."

I've got a better idea: why don't you just unhinge one of those legs of yours from the paper and take care of yourself??

“Swat’s up?”

"Ready for some honey, honey?"

“Stop hiding behind that newspaper and find my clitoris!”

“I already told you: You have to go online to find the financial listings.”

"Nice one, needle-dick."

"Don't try to honey me!"

You know what? If you weren't such a goddamn bee, maybe we wouldn't have to have our bed cordoned off with wire.

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