The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #53
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
"So what's the buzz? No, I mean from your wings vibrating 300 times per second, I know there's no buzz in the styles section."
"So, is Tom Friedman full of shit again?"*
*Also works with: Maureen Dowd or David Brooks
Results after the jump
Winner
"Move that newspaper so I can see your fac OH MY GOD!" Harry
Finalists
"Honey, could we go buy some new pillows tomorrow? Ones that aren't two and a half feet tall? Also, I'd appreciate it if you weren't a giant fly." Francis
"Why, I had no idea that the Mona Lisa contained such intricate messages! Which is odd, because usually I'm so perceptive." Tim C
Comments
"Honey, you know it's your turn to feed the maggots."
Posted by: RichM | May 28, 2006 10:19 PM
"That's it! Tomorrow I'm shaving your back."
or
"Listen to this honey: The gene fru governs the fly's courtship and mating ritual, including the male fly's ability to recognize a female.
Not tonight; I have a headache."
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | May 28, 2006 10:37 PM
You sure you're not Spanish?
Posted by: RuDrew | May 28, 2006 10:59 PM
"One of these days, TSA will get back to me about the No Fly List."
Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | May 28, 2006 11:08 PM
"Eat shit and die."
Posted by: J | May 29, 2006 12:20 AM
"You'd think that, what with half your brain dedicated to sight, you wouldn't have to hold the paper so close."
Posted by: J | May 29, 2006 12:26 AM
"No, I won't 'help you, please help you' find a four-letter word for incapacitated."
Posted by: J | May 29, 2006 12:32 AM
I think the Manhattan Skyline is getting suspicious
Posted by: Owen | May 29, 2006 1:06 AM
"Did you hear something, Fred? - a little, oh, I don't know, kind of an enormous devouring insect rustling its way into the bed and devouring one of its occupants? Did ya? Fred."
Posted by: Vance | May 29, 2006 1:31 AM
"Why is it every fantasy seems to involve you being quick, inattentive and flighty, and me being - oh, all right, all right. ahem...Let's see here, now where is that recipe for fecally-contaminated meat...?"
Posted by: Vance | May 29, 2006 1:35 AM
"My sister said that she'll be here around six to watch the maggots. I'll leave her a Lean Cuisine in the freezer - I don't think she likes the rotting meat."
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 6:57 AM
"I met Edna's boyfriend. He's a nice man, but I don't think he's right for her. He's at least 12 years older, and I think his father is Jewish."
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 7:01 AM
"Suzie brought her little friend home from school today. She's very cute - part ladybug, I think."
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 7:04 AM
"Forget my father. He's very stubborn, and he doesn't realize that mixed marriages are common these days."
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 7:09 AM
"This wedding is getting out of hand. Do we really need to invite ALL of your cousins?"
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 7:41 AM
I'm just dismayed you failed to note my victory.
Posted by: Matt | May 29, 2006 11:15 AM
I know I said that six hands and some vibrating wings might make a difference....but I guess I was wrong. Too bad you're stuck being a fly. Good luck and buzz off...
Posted by: simsburybear | May 29, 2006 11:36 AM
Stop already with the science section, I'm trying to read! It's so boring it's like a low, dull buzzing in my ears.
Hey, wait a minute....
Posted by: simsburybear | May 29, 2006 11:41 AM
"Henry, you used to be such a killer in bed. What happened? "
Posted by: David W | May 29, 2006 12:40 PM
"Bob, so how's work at the nuclear power plant?"
Posted by: David W | May 29, 2006 12:44 PM
"Honey, I have a confession to make. I've been cheating on you with a snow globe."
Posted by: Francis | May 29, 2006 1:03 PM
Dear, have you seen my hips and buttocks? I thought they'd just sunk impossibly deep into the mattress, but since my legs now appear to connect directly to the bottom of my ribcage, I can't find them at all.
Don't move. There are four deadly tarantulas creeping up on us under the sheets. And I think they're wearing party hats.
I don't care what the gossip column says about us. In this day and age, I don't think sleeping in a bed that's two feet two short is anything to be ashamed of.
Posted by: Walt | May 29, 2006 2:13 PM
Gaah, that should be "...two feet too short..." of course.
Posted by: Walt | May 29, 2006 2:16 PM
Hey--the whole turning into a bug thing was a metaphor.
Posted by: James | May 29, 2006 2:55 PM
"Yes, Buzzy, I think any of Rupert Murdoch's papers is going to smell good to you."
Posted by: Square 4 | May 29, 2006 4:07 PM
"I'm thinking of getting my hair cut short. No, I mean really short."
Posted by: Dave | May 29, 2006 4:31 PM
Hey Jeff - is that the script for Jurassic Park you're reading?
Posted by: simsburybear | May 29, 2006 4:51 PM
“Yes, dear, I’m sure you’re right. It will turn a profit on DVD. I thought we weren’t going to do this, obsess over the Sunday morning box office numbers. We’ve been here before: People still like you. People still want to work with you. We’re financially secure. You still have your Oscar and they can’t take it back, no matter what it says on that online petition. The future of some throwaway family comedy isn’t important to me. All that matters is you’re the same Robin Williams who’s been making me laugh for almost eighteen wonderful years.”
Posted by: J | May 29, 2006 5:29 PM
Oh all right. To avoid confusion I won't refer to my vibrator as "Buzzy" anymore.
Posted by: Amy | May 29, 2006 5:33 PM
"Don't wash that vibrator- I'll be back in two weeks."
Posted by: Sincere Lee | May 29, 2006 5:47 PM
"Will you take that goddamn Halloween costume off already? It's almost June, for fuck's sake."
Posted by: Francis | May 29, 2006 6:11 PM
"Honey, could we go buy some new pillows tomorrow? Ones that aren't two and a half feet tall? Also, I'd appreciate it if you weren't a giant fly."
Posted by: Francis | May 29, 2006 6:13 PM
"I've been thinking...maybe your idea about having an open marriage isn't such a bad idea after all."
Posted by: Francis | May 29, 2006 6:15 PM
"Please stop eating in bed, Harold. There are little crumbs of shit everywhere."
Posted by: Deborah | May 29, 2006 8:10 PM
"Hey Buzzrick, would you please get your silverwear out of the bathroom?"
Posted by: Emily | May 30, 2006 1:50 AM
"Hey Buzzrick, would you please get your silverwear out of the bathroom?"
Posted by: Emily | May 30, 2006 1:51 AM
No Henry, I don't think there is such a job listing in the want-ads as 'Fly on the Wall Surveillance Agent.
Posted by: maxcel200@aol.com | May 30, 2006 4:03 AM
"I know - Let's have a big potty and invite your whole family."
Posted by: JK | May 30, 2006 9:22 AM
"Darling, in the transferrence, I know that the Monster got some of your wonderful brain. But, I've always wondered, what did you get from him?"
"Bzzzzz. . . ."
"Oh, oh - Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!"
Posted by: gary | May 30, 2006 11:21 AM
"Duane, listen to this: 'You are to consider detestable all swarming insects' Leviticus 11:20.
I love reading the Bible before performing fellatio."
Posted by: david s | May 30, 2006 11:22 AM
"I've told you a thousand times, I can't USE the perfume you bought me. It's pollen-based, and you know I have hay fever. Sigh. . . Maybe we're just not compatible."
"I think it's time one of us had 'the talk' with Buzz. He's nearly three months old now, and soon he'll be molting."
"Two hundred eyes, and you don't even notice I got my eyebrows waxed. . . Herb, what's happened to us?"
"Jack, I know it's hard for you to talk about, but you haven't worked since you were a stunt double for Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly,' and that was almost 20 years ago. Maybe it's time we left Hollywood. . . You could open that compost heap you've always talked about."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 30, 2006 11:33 AM
"I've told you a thousand times, I can't USE the perfume you bought me. It's pollen-based, and you know I have hay fever. Sigh. . . Maybe we're just not compatible."
"I think it's time one of us had 'the talk' with Buzz. He's nearly three months old now, and soon he'll be molting."
"Two hundred eyes, and you don't even notice I got my eyebrows waxed. . . Herb, what's happened to us?"
"Jack, I know it's hard for you to talk about, but you haven't worked since you were a stunt double for Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly,' and that was almost 20 years ago. Maybe it's time we left Hollywood. . . You could open that compost heap you've always talked about."
Posted by: gary | May 30, 2006 11:34 AM
"I could have told you that pretending you were Jeff Goldblum wouldn't put me any more in the mood."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 30, 2006 11:37 AM
"There's an interesting recipe here for shit souffle. I'll go to the brown market tomorrow and pick up the ingredients."
Posted by: Deborah | May 30, 2006 11:58 AM
You know Herb, when I married you I thought you were a fly, but now, reading this cartoon panel, I realize that each of your four forelegs ends in a badger-like claw. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!?!?!?! ... Also, I'm hungry, so please order me a pepperoni pizza.
Posted by: Somnambulist | May 30, 2006 1:05 PM
"What's with the deely-boppers? And the bug-suit? And the Washington Times? And you want me to read aloud from your screenplay about avenging teenage angels? You're definitely the sickest trick I've ever had, Mr. Goss."
"Mother told me not to marry a Cypriot."
"Well, after that sad display I have no idea why they call you a 'horse' fly."
"The Hausfrau and the Housefly," starring Marcia Wallace and Andy Serkis, coming this Fall to ABC.
"Just you watch and see. The New Yorker and the Times have decided the narrative this year is how the Democrats can and will still lose in November."
"I told her 'Of course my husband enjoyed your caserole, he's a coprophage,' and, my god, you should have seen her face drop to the floor. I just couldn't help it. She brings out the worst in me with her slavish false-consciousness and her fat ass."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 30, 2006 1:17 PM
"Well, I'll be damned. You do have three testicles."
Posted by: TS | May 30, 2006 4:06 PM
"We're having lunch tomorrow with Charlotte and that snow globe she's dating. Try not to stare."
"Enough reading, time to sleep. Oh wait, I forgot, this bed is way too short to lie down in."
Posted by: rubrick | May 30, 2006 5:14 PM
"That's right, Buzzy, I spoke directly with Reverend Falwell and he says as long as there's no gays or lesbians involved, he doesn't have a problem with it."
Posted by: Tulio | May 30, 2006 6:14 PM
"I wish I could quit you."
Posted by: Bob | May 30, 2006 10:01 PM
"Yes, dear."
Posted by: Jay Stern | May 30, 2006 11:15 PM
I'm not sure what is more depressing: This new Joan Didion novel or the fact that I'm shagging a fly.
Posted by: toothychum | May 30, 2006 11:16 PM
"You're paranoid, Kevin. Immigrants don't want your job."
Posted by: Jay Stern | May 30, 2006 11:19 PM
"Don't be rediculous. I never said you were eentsy beentsy."
Posted by: Jay Stern | May 30, 2006 11:23 PM
"I noticed you used up all my ointment again."
Posted by: Francis | May 31, 2006 1:13 AM
"I need to shave!? Look who's talking!"
Posted by: rob | May 31, 2006 2:01 AM
" Okay, I lied. I'm not really a maggot on the verge of morphing into whatever the hell you are."
Posted by: Robbo | May 31, 2006 2:11 AM
"There's no humor left in our relationship."
Posted by: oRb | May 31, 2006 2:14 AM
"I don't know how you do it, but you've managed to convince 9 out of 10 caption-writers that you're a fly, despite the two antennae, a protruding head of fur, and two sets of wide hands each with four fingers."
"I figured rereading 'Where the Wild Things Are' would remind me of my childhood, but it just reminds me of you."
"First you dress up like a tree, and now this!?"
"Look, if you want to entice me into your plushie fetish, try a bunny rabbit outfit, not some... bug-monster thing."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 31, 2006 1:15 PM
"'As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant insect.' Well, that's just the most absurd thing I've ever heard."
"Look, I'll tell my parents about us when I'm ready. I mean, it's one thing for me to be dating a fly... but dating a female fly? This'll just kill my dad."
"Sorry, dear, I'm thirty pages in and they *still* haven't cleared up why the old lady swallowed your cousin."
"Why, I had no *idea* that the Mona Lisa contained such intricate messages! Which is odd, because usually I'm so perceptive."
"No, I'm not in the mood. God, what is it with you? We just met, and you want to mate like there's no tomorrow."
"Nope, it's still just about a bunch of British school kids stuck on an island."
Posted by: Tim C. | May 31, 2006 1:48 PM
"Oh, I can handle fly-by-night so long as you deliver donkey-by-day."
Posted by: Idowanna | May 31, 2006 3:12 PM
Naturally I thought you said your name "Hugh Jackman" NOT "Huge Ackman." Fucking mutants...
Posted by: Amy | May 31, 2006 3:13 PM
"Yes, Buzzy, if that thing in the last cartoon was a whale, you can be a fly."
Posted by: Simca | May 31, 2006 5:27 PM
Move that newspaper so I can see your fac OH MY GOD!
Posted by: Harry | May 31, 2006 6:27 PM
You're always reading the FUCKING paper, and never talking to me. That's why I look so angry.
Posted by: Harry | May 31, 2006 6:29 PM
All you ever do is read the New York Times and watch the Bee Bee Cee. And New York Times doesn't even have a Bee pun in it.
Posted by: Harry | May 31, 2006 6:32 PM
Don't you have difficulty breathing? Because as your size increases, your weight increases by a power of three, while your lung capacity and surface area only increase by power of two. That's why insects are small.
Posted by: Harry | May 31, 2006 6:34 PM
Fart in this bed one more time and I'm gonna roll that thing up and swat you with it.
Posted by: Span | May 31, 2006 9:59 PM
"Man, this cartoon on page 56 of the November 7, 2005 edition of the New Yorker really strikes a chord."
Posted by: Slide | June 1, 2006 12:28 AM
Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that fellow who played the captain in "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?"
Posted by: ziny | June 1, 2006 8:19 AM
"Frank, we need to dance."
Posted by: Tarquin C | June 1, 2006 8:36 AM
see, it's a bee, not a fly
Posted by: Tarquin C | June 1, 2006 8:42 AM
"So now you're a tree slug trapped in an oversized housefly's body? And you couldn't have figured this out BEFORE your last surgery? To be honest, I've about had it with your "I just gotta be me" bullshit."
Posted by: Deborah | June 1, 2006 9:09 AM
"God, I just love these custom inflatables: Next I'm going to get Condi spanking Colin Powell with a hairbrush as he reads his Washington Post and sneers like Dick Cheney."
Posted by: Olaf | June 1, 2006 10:28 AM
"Yes, honey, you've made the joke about how you're 'stuck' to your 'fly paper' about a million times. If you don't want to have sex with me anymore, you can just say so."
"Oooh! I just felt one of the maggots kick!"
"Y'know, I'm getting really sick of hearing about how much you'd like to suck on Marmaduke. I mean, hel-lo? Warm-blooded mammal with feelings, right here next to you!"
Posted by: Tim C. | June 1, 2006 11:13 AM
"Quit being a baby. You'd think 'your breath smells like ass' would be a compliment to your kind."
Posted by: murph | June 1, 2006 12:17 PM
"Remember the early days? When I thought it was endearing that you walk on the ceiling, and you thought I was the shit? Ever since my infection cleared up, I don't seem to attract you anymore. Now I just wish you'd close the toilet when you're done, and stop having your diapers and newspapers in bed. But on the plus side, it says here your lifespan is shorter than the typical divorce case. Can you even hear in my vocal range? Disease vector."
"Why haven't you introduced me to your parents yet? You're embarrassed of me, aren't you? It's because I'm not a dung beetle!"
Posted by: Loqi | June 1, 2006 1:15 PM
I'm not sure that the advertised $499 per eye price for Lasik applies to compound eyes dear.
I don't know how you can be comfortable reading a newspaper when it's been used as a weapon of mass destruction against your kind for so many years.
Posted by: Maury | June 1, 2006 1:37 PM
"Tell me again where you found a newspaper printed in your language. Oh Buzzy - you went to New Jersey again, didn't you?"
Posted by: Kelvin | June 1, 2006 4:19 PM
http://salon.com/comics/boll/2006/06/01/boll/index1.html
Posted by: Arthur | June 1, 2006 5:09 PM
"Of course the pages are stuck together - just like my legs. It doesn't matter... you can't read and you sure can't fuck."
Posted by: Square 4 | June 2, 2006 7:28 AM
"Howard Dean says we're welcome in the party of diversity, but please don't hit the talk shows until after the election. He's so rude."
Posted by: Bilbo | June 2, 2006 5:32 PM
"Happy hour?... oh just surprise me....no, wait - I know what I need - make it a double stinger."
Posted by: Berta | June 2, 2006 5:50 PM
"Ah, here's that book of pressed dried flowers I saved from last summer. Strange - the pages are still sticky. Wait, please tell me you have not been pollenating them."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 3, 2006 3:52 AM
I've got a better idea: why don't you just unhinge one of those legs of yours from the paper and take care of yourself??
Posted by: Michael | June 3, 2006 8:38 PM
“Swat’s up?”
"Ready for some honey, honey?"
“Stop hiding behind that newspaper and find my clitoris!”
“I already told you: You have to go online to find the financial listings.”
Posted by: David | June 4, 2006 7:57 PM
"Nice one, needle-dick."
Posted by: Isocrates | August 16, 2006 3:20 PM
"Don't try to honey me!"
Posted by: Frank Monaco | November 8, 2006 12:56 PM
You know what? If you weren't such a goddamn bee, maybe we wouldn't have to have our bed cordoned off with wire.
Posted by: Tom | January 21, 2007 7:14 AM