The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #52

May 21, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #52

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

"Eek! There's a rowboat on my belly!"

Results after the jump

Winner:
"You know, I kind of liked it when the park hosted Christo's 'Gates', but I'm not so sure about this Damien Hirst installation." —Tim C.

Finalists:
"Isn't it ironic that, just the other day, you told me there were no such things as whales." —Harry

�Holy crap, what a piss-poor drawing I�m in! I�m not even sure who�s supposed to be talking! Am I supposed to be the whale? Sure! I�m the whale! And I�m � let�s see � either frolicking upside-downlike or, tragically, something has sliced deep into my forehead and my scalp is flap-flap-flapping in the breeze!

�Just kidding! Had that happened, I wouldn�t be able to talk! I�d be dead! Oooo, turns out I�m a funny whale! Ha-ha! And look! There seems to be a bridge full of people crossing from my anus to my chin! Doesn�t exactly look like the artist � Mumfold? Leverford? Whatever, as long as they spell it correctly on the check, am I right, buddy? � is a master of composition. I�m sure he was counting on me, The Big Upside-Down Funny Whale, to say something (Something Funny!) that would distract you from his shortcomings.

�Well, tough cookies, Sherlock, I�m a-callin� you out! I�ve seen fish-shit more visually cohesive than your �art.� You ain�t foolin� nobody. Just ask those... people(?) in the rowboat � that boxy-mutant dude in the jumpsuit and the chick with the portfolio and the shamrock shake. We�re on to you, Covemfred! It�s not what you can do, it�s who you know, and we get it: The joke�s on us.� —J

Posted by Daniel Radosh

10:06 PM

Comments

"They say the butterfly stroke is much more impressive."

Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | May 22, 2006 12:23 AM

"so that's what the razorblades on the bottom of the boat are for."

Posted by: cubase | May 22, 2006 1:36 AM

"There she blows!--there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill! It is Moby Dick! Pass the Slurpee, wouldn't you?"

Posted by: Anno-nymous | May 22, 2006 1:55 AM

(Original final shot of "The Squid and the Whale", rejected in favor of something only slightly less subtle.)

Posted by: Tim C. | May 22, 2006 2:15 AM

"Check it out, I'm gonna get some sweet air off this whale."

Posted by: Jesse Skinner | May 22, 2006 4:35 AM

"Oh, fuck."

"And we have here the Jonah statue, erected in 1925. The artist intentionally designed the piece to be visible only in low tide. As we get closer to shore, you will clearly see the other works by this artist, the Upside-down Thinker and Upside-down Crucifix."

Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2006 7:17 AM

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the whale that was stolen from the American Museum of Natural History last week."

Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2006 7:21 AM

"Remind me again, David Blaine is supposed to stay in there for HOW long?"

Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2006 7:53 AM

"No, I don't speak Whale. I'm really getting sick of these damn tourists."

Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2006 8:11 AM

"If we survive, I am reporting this to the Central Park Conservancy."

Posted by: Francis | May 22, 2006 9:04 AM

"People buy baby whales and think they're so cute -- but then they get too big to keep, and *this* is what happens."

Posted by: Francis | May 22, 2006 9:05 AM

"Yes...right there...that's the spot...oh, now could you row just a little to the left? Mmmmmmmm."

Posted by: Francis | May 22, 2006 9:06 AM

�Just kidding! Had that happened, I wouldn�t be able to talk! I�d be dead! Oooo, turns out I�m a funny whale! Ha-ha! And look! There seems to be a bridge full of people crossing from my anus to my chin! Doesn�t exactly look like the artist � Mumfold? Leverford? Whatever, as long as they spell it correctly on the check, am I right, buddy? � is a master of composition. I�m sure he was counting on me, The Big Upside-Down Funny Whale, to say something (Something Funny!) that would distract you from his shortcomings.

Posted by: J | May 22, 2006 9:40 AM

"Thank God we're just testing this rowboat out on this grassy hill adjacent to the river-- if we were actually in the water we would have surely been swamped by that whale!"

Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 22, 2006 9:49 AM

"That's not a blow hole!"

Posted by: Slip Whitsun | May 22, 2006 10:17 AM

"Oh, brilliant idea, Harold, teaching Willie to 'roll over.' Now look, the damn thing's going to kill us."

"Thank goodness I can understand whalesong! He's bemoaning the long-term destruction of the planet by short-sighted humans for nothing more than... wait, my bad. He's just humming 'Caravan.'"

"Yeah, this is a really picturesque spot, but Jesus, couldn't they do a better job at cleaning the dead animals out of the water?"

Posted by: Vance | May 22, 2006 10:24 AM

"All things considered, it might be time to lock Willy back up."

"How do you imagine he survives here in the fresh water of the Charles River?"

"Hang in there, Shamu! We'll be there with your Big Gulp in just a second!"

Posted by: gary | May 22, 2006 10:55 AM

"Someone should flush that."

"The map says Springsteen Rock is just north of the Bow Bridge but that there be sea monsters right...about...there."

"I must've gone to the wrong Starbucks. This frappuccino's not going to help at all."

"New York so crazy!"

"Remember back when there was UrbanFetch and we didn't have to harvest spermaceti ourselves?"

"Fuckin' Robinson let his goddamned whale out again. Well I warned him. Hand me the harpoon, Marge."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 22, 2006 12:00 PM

"Dammit, Gary, would you look where you're going? You just ran over a goddamn whale!"

" *Sigh* The very last whale on earth. So this is how it ends. Not with a whimper, but with a BLLEEEAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH."

Posted by: Vance | May 22, 2006 12:25 PM

This sure is one "humpback" of a problem.

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:44 PM

Honey, watch out. You almost ran over that overweight celebrity.

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:46 PM

My God! That is the smallest whale I have ever seen!

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:48 PM

Is it... is it dead?

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:50 PM

Isn't it ironic that, just the other day, you told me there were no such things as whales.

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:52 PM

The Man: "I'm not going to ask HIM for directions, the coast is in sight. Stop back-seat driving..."

The Woman: "I'm not back-seat driving, but if I was rowing we would be there by now. Now the ice has melted in my soda and my butt is sore."

The Whale: "What a nag."

Posted by: Josh | May 22, 2006 12:52 PM

Ooh, you know what? We should go out for seafood later tonight. HOLY CRAP, A WHALE!

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:54 PM

Forget the stupid whale. What's going on with the water? There's something beneath us!

Posted by: Harry | May 22, 2006 12:58 PM

Hurry, Don. Save the whale!

We're being overcome by fumes from the Chartpak greytone 30-, 50- and 80- percent magic markers! And the whale is too!

Posted by: danny | May 22, 2006 2:32 PM

"Wow, that's some sperm! Not the whale-- the contents of this cup I'm drinking from."

Posted by: rubrick | May 22, 2006 3:02 PM

I'm dead. You can tell because I'm floating upside down. So put away the ... hey, you don't even HAVE a harpoon!

Posted by: npm | May 22, 2006 3:55 PM

At any given time, 50,000 predators are in Central Park trolling for wayward whales.

Posted by: Amy | May 22, 2006 4:03 PM

From here near the surface, you other whales look like ants. Or shrimp—I'm guessing y'all don't know what ants look like.

Posted by: Arthur | May 22, 2006 4:07 PM

Shut up, Ahab. Everyone knows your pegleg is a clip on.

Posted by: Arthur | May 22, 2006 4:10 PM

"Holy shit! Is that - could it... it is! That's the whale that ate my uncle's right hand!!! You remember, Uncle Hook?"

Posted by: Vance | May 22, 2006 4:16 PM

"THAR SHE BLOWS!...THAR SHE BLOWS!.....What's that? Not on the first date?..........THAR SHE PETS!........THAR SHE PETS!"

Posted by: Square 4 | May 22, 2006 4:59 PM

"That whale totally makes the case against Intelligent Design."

Posted by: Condi | May 22, 2006 7:05 PM

"Have you seen 'Humpback Mountain?"

Posted by: Kelvin the Perfectionist | May 22, 2006 7:08 PM

"Have you seen 'Humpback Mountain?"

Posted by: Kelvin the Perfectionist | May 22, 2006 7:08 PM

"Is that a whale, or are you just glad to see me?"

Posted by: Glenn | May 22, 2006 7:17 PM

I disagree! Central Park was a mere warm-up for Olmsted. I find the Prospect Park whale to be much more rolling and bucolic.

Posted by: Arthur | May 22, 2006 7:19 PM

"I haven't seen a blow-hole like that since Scott McClellan."

Posted by: Tulio | May 22, 2006 7:56 PM

"There is nothing tastier than a bucolic Prospect Park whale that has been brought to a rolling boil, encrusted with almonds and plunged into tahini oil..... I prefer a good chili dog myself, but I'm a socialist."

Posted by: Berta | May 22, 2006 8:07 PM

And this is what the Big Apple looks like? Look's like a big piece of shit to me!

Posted by: MT | May 22, 2006 8:29 PM

"SATURDAY! IN THE PARK! I THINK IT WAS THE 4TH OF JULY......" (to be sung by the whale, not the man, although I guess it could be sung by either)

Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2006 9:03 PM

"This is way out of my league dear, my specialty is in keeping toilet bowls clean and Tidy."

Posted by: Robbo | May 22, 2006 11:10 PM

"Well, OK, I guess... it sure seems like an odd and dangerous spot for picnicking, but sure, I guess that will make it 'romantic'..."

Posted by: Vance | May 22, 2006 11:29 PM

�Perhaps you�re right. I am rather passive when it comes to communicating, and that may very well be causing the instability in our relationship. Okay, well then I guess you won�t mind if say that you can be a little demanding at times. Wait, let me rephrase that. Dear, you can be a royal bitch! Wow! I actually feel better now. And you know what? It�s no accident that I leave the toilet seat up. And those mystery stains that kept showing up on your pillow even after you got rid of the cat; well lets just say sometimes I need something to wipe your sister off my cock. Yeah, I feel so alive! I ate the rest of the Ben and Jerry�s yester - Oh shit, a whale!�

Posted by: oRb | May 22, 2006 11:37 PM

Shirley suddenly realized what a mistake it had been to trust the Gorton's fisherman.

"And here you will see the vary rare 'pelican whale,' which stores chum in a pouch beneath the jaw."

"Honey, you've been trying to ram the whale to death for 5 hours! Let's just take a little break, maybe get some burgers, and we'll come back with the tablesaw to finish him off."

"No, Fonzie, I guess jumping the whale isn't any cooler than jumping the shark."

Posted by: mypalmike | May 22, 2006 11:52 PM

Taking advantage of the 'life or death' situation in regards to the thrashing whale, Wendy sneaks a sip of Bill's soda.

Posted by: Robbo | May 23, 2006 1:27 AM

This whale looks hungry! You know what would hit the spot? A HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND PEPPERONI PIZZAS.

Posted by: Somnanmbulist | May 23, 2006 2:33 AM

"I don't see anything wrong with it: He's doing a job American whales don't want to do."

Posted by: Screamin Jay Cheney | May 23, 2006 8:01 AM

"I'm sure he was the big fish in a small pond back in Syracuse: But this is New York. I would add, however, that if he can make it here, he'll make it anywhere.... it's up to him, New York, New York." (As always, thunderous applause.)

Posted by: JK | May 23, 2006 8:31 AM

*Look, dear, there's the big black Dick you always wanted.
*Yes, I know whales are mammals, not fish, you condescending prick!

Posted by: Matt S | May 23, 2006 10:35 AM

"Not surprising, really: This administration has always used whales in the search for weapons of mass destruction."

Posted by: Olaf | May 23, 2006 11:37 AM

Boats traveling up the back slope of a wave with no discernable propulsion! What's next, children standing on the ceiling?

Posted by: 99 | May 23, 2006 12:27 PM

OK Janet,...if it is her, then where's Stedman?

Posted by: murph | May 23, 2006 2:06 PM

"Don't worry - I just want to get close enough to check out the graffiti on his side."

Posted by: Olaftoomuch | May 23, 2006 3:20 PM

"Hi, I'm Belly-Up, I'm the new poster whale for the American economy."

Posted by: Tulio | May 23, 2006 3:32 PM

"Goddamn Googlemaps."

Posted by: Eric | May 23, 2006 4:21 PM

"Who's a good whale? Who's a good whale? Oh, and call me Ishmael."

Posted by: DonBoy | May 23, 2006 5:09 PM

"We are SO not getting the deposit back on this rowboat."

"OoooooEEEEEEEEEEEooooooaaaaaaaEEEEEEEEEEuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."
(Whalesong. The joke's hilarious to whales.)

"Well, we'll certainly have a WHALE of a tale to tell people! Assuming we don't die, which it seems very likely we will."

"God damn it, Stewart, what the fuck did you put in my drink?"

Posted by: Tim C. | May 23, 2006 5:50 PM

"A little to the left and wait in the boat"

Posted by: Naes | May 23, 2006 6:27 PM

"He's the only whale who hasn't done JLo and he's looking for closure. That's why he flipped over - to show her he has the package."

Posted by: Karlene | May 23, 2006 6:30 PM

"Sure he's faking. But do you know how hard it is to disprove whiplash?"

Posted by: Dan | May 24, 2006 7:39 AM

"Don't feed it. When they lose their fear of humans, they can never survive in nature again."

Posted by: Deborah | May 24, 2006 7:53 AM

See, Helen, where all your sanctimonious anti-whaling crap gets us? HE'S got nowhere else to go, and WE'RE about to become whale shit. Nice job, Helen. See you in hell.

Posted by: skeeelz | May 24, 2006 11:21 AM

Above, we see Lindsay Lohan's little-man-in-a-boat pictured next to a Balaenoptera musculus, the world's largest mammal. Please note everything has been drawn to scale.

Posted by: J | May 24, 2006 4:43 PM

I forget, are whales mammals or fish? If it's a mammal, it wants its belly rubbed. If its a fish, it's dead.

Posted by: J Warner | May 24, 2006 5:38 PM

Well, it's either a badly drawn treeline or Horseshoe Falls. I really hope it isn't a badly drawn treeline.

Posted by: david s | May 24, 2006 7:34 PM

Turn off your mind, relax
and float downstream.
It is not dying.
It is not dying.

Lay down all thought
Surrender to the void.
It is shining.
It is shining.

That you may see
The meaning of within.
It is being.
It is being.

That love is all
And love is everyone.
It is knowing.
It is knowing.

That ignorance and hate
May mourn the dead.
It is believing.
It is believing.

But listen to the
color of your dreams.
It is not living.
It is not living.

Or play the game
existence to the end.
Of the beginning.
Of the beginning.

Of the beginning.

Posted by: marty wombacher | May 25, 2006 12:37 PM

"You just can't take a nice rowboat ride without someone anymore without someone fucking it up!"

Posted by: Michael | May 25, 2006 1:34 PM

"This place has really sold out."

Posted by: Michael | May 25, 2006 1:34 PM

"The lake conservancy has completely caved in to the environmentalists..."

Posted by: Michael | May 25, 2006 1:36 PM

"Is anyone here a marine biologist?"

or, from the same 'Seinfeld' episode:

"Is that a Titleist?"

Posted by: jason | May 25, 2006 3:07 PM

"Wow! Hey Marsha, over there on the shore there's a girl with the biggest rack I've ever - dammit, if this fucking whale would move its stupid flapping jaw out of the way..."

Posted by: Vance | May 25, 2006 3:43 PM

"There he is! Quick, Dad, ask him if he'll come to my Sweet Sixteen."

Obscure Lyrics Answer: "Your lips are slightly warm/
and cling like a Summer wind/
I'd like to lose myself in yours/
I'd like to love you/
if that means anything/
and to watch your eyes turn deeper tones of blue."

"Well, I went to Georgetown and I plan executive training seminars in the Adirondacks. I relentlessly tivo reality tv but rarely have time to watch it. My favorite food is mocha and sometimes my subconscious becomes manifest."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 25, 2006 4:53 PM

"Why, back in my day, beaver dams were made out of logs and straw, not marine mammals."

"You're going too fast, Richard! You'll never be able to turn in time! Reverse oar direction!"

"I paid you $50 to go dead whale watching in a dinghy?! I should have known from your slogan: 'We put the sham in Shamu.'"

Posted by: mypalmike | May 26, 2006 1:25 AM

"You should have seen her before the tummy tuck."

Posted by: gray nixon | May 26, 2006 3:32 PM

"I'm sorry, Willy -- the first three times were cute, but now, I'm thinking that you just get yourself in trouble so I'll come running to the rescue. You've confused pity with love, and frankly, I've had enough of your weird codependent manipulation. Get yourself out of the lake."

Posted by: Tim C. | May 26, 2006 4:30 PM

"You know, I kind of liked it when the park hosted Christo's 'Gates', but I'm not so sure about this Damien Hirst installation."

Posted by: Tim C. | May 26, 2006 4:33 PM

"Just look at that, Carol - I TOLD you I could show you something you'd never see in a red state."

Posted by: Olaftoomuch | May 26, 2006 4:34 PM

"Now we are coming upon the Chappaquiddich Bridge... Wait! Is that Senator Kennedy in the water?"

Posted by: mypalmike | May 27, 2006 1:55 AM

"So how long have you been on Nerve?"

"I can think of a far more enjoyable way to collect sperm samples."

Posted by: David | May 27, 2006 10:34 AM

"Well, Doreen, I don't know what is is, but if you'll hand me my Bible, I'll try to look it up."

Posted by: JK | May 27, 2006 11:21 AM

"Can we keep it, Dad?"

Posted by: Robbo | May 27, 2006 8:15 PM

What is this? Bleh. You would think they would know by now that it's a CARMEL frappuchino, not a mocha carmel frappuchino. Yes, Harlod. They messed it up again. Row back to shore. What? I don't give a fuck if it's four whales in the way. I didn't pay five bucks so some barista could piss in my drink.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 27, 2006 11:41 PM

Fuck the boat. Let's do it on the whale instead.

Posted by: Owen | May 27, 2006 11:44 PM

"Michael.... Row the boat ashore."(Allellula)

Posted by: Tulio | May 28, 2006 11:59 AM

"YOU sit on his face, Howard: I've had enough bad sex for today."

Posted by: Condi | May 28, 2006 5:33 PM

"Well, Earl, you couldn't wait to get out here and screw this whale, could you? And now you haven't the slightest idea how to do it, do you? It's just like you and me, isn't it Earl?"

Posted by: JK | May 28, 2006 5:51 PM

"Fuck the whale, let's do the boat."

Posted by: Sincere Lee | May 28, 2006 5:55 PM

"Never mind the fucking whale, Jeremy. You still haven't explained why you're just a shapless mass from the torso down."

Posted by: Tom P | May 28, 2006 6:26 PM

"Alright, now you can call me Ishmael!"

Posted by: Mike | May 28, 2006 7:11 PM

I guess I brought too much spermicide on our date.

Posted by: RuDrew | May 28, 2006 10:20 PM

Bush is pushing this domestic spying too far. The Navy in Central Park?

Some people will do anything to make their property beach front.

Posted by: RuDrew | May 28, 2006 10:56 PM