May 15, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #51

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Results after the jump

"If the paint roller attachment does not fit, you must acquit." —Matt Hutson

"On one hand, you claim you're completely innocent. But on the other hand, no pun intended, you have a hook... Okay, completely intended." —gadi

"So...your name is Captain Hook, and you have a hook for a hand? Isn't that a bit overdetermined?" —DonBoy

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"You do realize, Mr. Hook, that your testimony is still binding."

Your Honour, my client said he wanted to testify "either by hook or by crook" and well, you can probably guess the rest...

Oh really, witness? You say that you were NOT caught with your hand in the cookie jar - remember now, you're under oath...

Hey, did anyone ever tell you your hand looks like a hook? Oh my god, that's crazy! Judge! Have a look! Seriously!! Wow, that's totally cool, man. Great.

Oh, right, sorry.. where was I..

Sorry Judge, if I may, I just want to get a signature for my daughter. She's a huge fan of Peter Pan. Can you make it out to "Douglas B. Cunningham"? That's my daughter's name.

We both know that you are here because you created an incident the last time, so just take this bill for the Court's swearing bible without creating a fuss. Then we can finish your murder trial.

So big deal, you've got a hook instead of your right hand - I don't even have a left arm, and the judge, well he's just grotesquely short. What does that do with the question - "Did you have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky?"

"And then where did Mr. Pan touch you, Captain?"

"We're not denying, your honor, that the Plaintiff made a substantial living as a pianist, we simply maintain that his earning potential was not diminished by his visit to Consolidated Meat Separators Inc. because he is--and always was!--a minimalist."

Predicted Real Life Winner: "And how has this affected your paractice as a proctologist, Dr. Soames?"

"Who else was at that meeting of the National Energy Policy Development Group, Captain Smallbeard?"

"It's not the best replica of the bridge of the Enterprise but would you just play along, Steve. Gary put his whole heart into it and his mom needs the hook back by lunchtime so we have to hurry."

"Fine. Raise your left hand and repeat after me..."

"But you knew, did you not, that given the circumstances, a reach-around would be not only unpleasant, but quite possibly deadly?"

"I believe we've established that you had both the motive and the opportunity to commit this ghastly stabbing. The only question is: Where did you hide the murder weapon?"

"No, you may not rebut Nancy Grace's arguments, as she is not a member of the prosecution's team. Well, not officially, anyway."

"Your honor, I'd like you to find that this witness is being arrr-gumentative."

"I would now ask the witness to try on the bloody glove we found at the -- wait. Never mind. You know what? The prosecution rests."

"Jesus, what a sour expression. What's your problem, anyway, dude?"

"Wow, that IS amazing. Your honor, I move that this man's ability to levitate all the light fixtures in this room into the air proves he is as innocent as the driven snow."

"So you won't talk, eh? Well, I have a little surprise for you... Send in the clown and the tiny dog!!!"

...and you still maintain that this is not your puncture mark in the signature line of this contract?

(In affected English accent). In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since...(continue despite growing boos and hisses from crowd.)

You think you're bored...I'm bored! Look we're all bored. No, I'm more bored than you are!

Answer the question dammit, did you draw this cartoon? Do you know how many of these cartoons have been set in courtrooms? Fool! Do you think that hooked hand will save you?

"You should be a boxer -- you'd have one heck of a right hook! I'm sorry, that was highly inappropriate."

This isn't a courtroom you idiot, it's a bar that looks like a courtroom...no wait, it's a church. God, I'm bored

"On the contrary, I would say we've gone out of our way to accomodate your condition. We've installed the La-Z-Boy chair you requested, and even a slot machine next to it. But I most certainly will not provide seated massage with release during your testimony today, sir."

"Your hook will stay with your poor, lifeless soul forever. Sorry, poor choice of words. I meant to say: You're not off the hook yet."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... Please pretend you didn't see Mr. Krandall pick his nose. You are not allowed to let the memory of that hideous sight affect your verdict."

"So, we're to believe that you weren't trying to get her drunk? Is that your testimony, Captain Morgan?"

"OK, at around 2:45pm you got hooked on phonics. What happened next? "

Lawyer: "Your honor! With the hook!?"
Judge: "On 'er with the hook!? I hardly know 'er!"

"Pity? Hell no: We let you bring your most comfy chair from home, didn't we?"

"Mr. Hook, on your last visit to this court, you were advised in the strongest possible terms that you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your friends' noses."

"Sir: Can you give this court an offhand estimate of..... what?..... oh, sorry, your honor. Yes, I'll rephrase."

"Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
To see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
Of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I've tried well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
To the ground I've found
I will not mess around
Unless I play then hey
I will go on all day hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And when I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because...

The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely.

The Defense rests, Your Honor."

"Do you solemnly swear that the chair is comfy, really comfy, totally, truly comfy?"

And now... My Big THREE:

1. "I'm sorry, you're going to have to repeat that. Monkeys did what to your who?"

2. If it pleases the court, I have sworn statement from... objection? Yes, your honor, I understand, but this evidence was only just presented to me... Fine. FINE! No more questions for this witness... Next, I would like to call Smee to the stand. What? Dead? Your honor, can we have a recess in your chambers? No? Fine. Fuck all!"

3. "Cut, cut! Jack, this just isn't working out. I'm not balming you, necessarily, though I wonder if they really needed another sequel to Chinatown, especially one where you upped the stakes by having your hand amputated. But for this film, 'A Few Good Men II: Electric Boogaloo,' I really need more... more JACK, you get what I'm saying. I need more of you here. 'I still can't handle the truth!' You sound like a pussy up here. Alright, let's call it a day. Joel! Bring in Ryan Seacrest. "

"And can you identify this "Pan?""

"Please describe the grisly accident which caused you to lose your right hand."

"Did it occur to you to pet the dog with your other, non-hook, hand?"

"No, we're not on fire. Please excuse the bizarre lighting in the courtroom today."

"On one hand, you claim you're completely innocent. But on the other hand, no pun intended, you have a hook... Okay, completely intended."

"Before we begin, please crank up the judge's chair by turning the handle on the side of his desk. That's right - it's directly in front of you."

Now, did the defendants, Prosthetic Solutions Incorporated, ever warn you that the hook they were affixing to your arm was not only anachronistic, but radioactive as well?

So how long have you been a camp counselor?

"Sir, with all due respect, the charge is prostitution and on the night in question, you were undeniably... oh wait. I think I see what happened here."

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile, Your Honor?"

"Allow me to submit into evidence Defense Exhibit X, which decidedly does not mark the spot."

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile, Your Honor?"

"Allow me to submit into evidence Defense Exhibit X, which marks the spot."

"Is there a Mrs. Kinsey?"

The clown and his dog are innocent, your Honor! It is my contention that Mr. Bob Henderson, the man seated before us, exchanged his uniform from his employment with the bunny division for a vampire disguise and, following Mrs. Henderson's cocktail party, shimmied through her bedroom window with the tube of his scuba diving gear and suffocated her to death with a 20 foot anaconda. It is also my contention that the guilt of the murder is what almost drove Mr. Henderson to suicide by electrical chair in his own office. But, instead, he went on the lamb, booked a flight to Iraq whereupon he stripped off his suit (See Exhibit A), illegally exposing his naked body to a fellow passenger, and proceeded to disguise himself as a French mime. If Mr. Henderson weren't found by two American soldiers and incarcerated in Baghdad, where his attempted prison break was thwarted by Iraqi officials who chased him with various weaponry, the government never would have confiscated this hook, a hook he purchased, no doubt, from the very pirate novelty shop he purchased his clip-on parrot from. And who can say how many other murders Mr. Bob Henderson could have committed with this lethal weapon? Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

(from my 6 year old daughter)
MAN ON LEFT: What are you doing?


z'Permission to treat the witness as maimed, your honor."

"Permission to treat the witness as maimed, your honor."

Permission to treat the witness as maimed, Your Honor?"

"If the paint roller attachment does not fit, you must acquit."

"And so, Old Man Carruthers, it is your contention that, quote, 'I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids?'"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove beyond any reasonable doubt that the defendant caused irreperable damage to my client's climbing wall."

"Your honor, I would now like to ask the defendant to try on the pair of bloody gloves found by Los Angeles Police Department detectives at the scene of the brutal double -- awww, crap. Not again. . . "

"And so, Old Man Carruthers, it is your contention that, quote, 'I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids?'"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove beyond any reasonable doubt that the defendant caused irreperable damage to my client's climbing wall."

"Your honor, I would now like to ask the defendant to try on the pair of bloody gloves found by Los Angeles Police Department detectives at the scene of the brutal double -- awww, crap. Not again. . . "

"And in your long rivalry with Cap'n Crunch, did you send a letter threatening to 'rid the world of crunchy sweet cereal in my lifetime'?"

ELEVEN pepperoni pizzas!

"For the last time Mr. Hook, relax your pixie-filled ass and let Tinkerbell out!"

"Well yes, I am holding an actual human face. It is that of my lovely wife. I peeled it off her some time ago and now it has become stiff and brittle. What is your point!?"

"All right, no more jokes about your dumb choice for a prosthetic limb. Just please tell us where you hid our toupees!?"

Ok, we know why you're an angry man. What's the deal with the other 11?

All Riiiiighty then...

"Is it your testimony, then, that you attempted to assist the deceased with a mosquito bite?"

"And yet according to your sworn testimony, at that very moment your timbers were shivering."

"Who besides you knew the combination to Davy Jones' locker?"

"Is it your contention that "Pirates of the Caribbean" substantially borrowed plot points from your book?"

"(Hey, your honor, watch this.) Mr. Hook, your mascara is running."

Ah, but seriously, here's the worst possible caption:

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? -- 'Cuz if not, we'll have to call in the crocodile."

"Fine! Your honor, the prosecution agrees to the defendant's stipulation that he looks even more like Dustin Hoffman with a hook in his hand."

1. You awful, awful man. For what you did you ought to be locked up for a long time.

2. This man's hook saved him from certain death on that day, on that ship. As the only survivor, I think it is incumbent on you, the jury, to listen to his testimony and find these men guilty of criminal negligence.

3. I'm sorry, could you speak up a bit? I'm a bit hard of hearing. After killing your wife you did what?

Your honor, we call to the stand Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman.

"Look, it's called 'small claims court.' If you wanted a huge civil payout in return for Bill Gates' biting off your hand, you should've played this a bit differently."

Wait, you mean no one's done it yet?

"Please, everyone knows your hook is a clip on."


that's all very interesting Mr. Johnson, but what's your point.....sorry

"Good afternoon, Mr. Hookyhandy. I'm sorry, your name isn't Hookyhandy? Oh, those paralegals of mine, they're scamps, they are! Anyway."

We got you the comfy chair. We got you the mood lighting. Man, you people really milk that ADA thing for all it's worth!

"So, it says here you're a florist..."

"We KNOW my clients heard a “drip, drip, drip” and a “scratch, scratch, scratch” on the roof of their car. Do you mean to tell this court that it was NOT your bloody hook they found hanging from the door handle?"

"Would it be fair for the court to assume that, during your encounters with pornography, you are a lefty?"

And how how long have you made your living as a letter-opener?

If it makes you feel any better, my people are known for their hook noses.

The question of whether or not my client brutally slaughtered a campground full of parapalegics because they offended his delicate sensibilities is strictly a matter for the courts. Oh ... right.

"Okay, so we got one ham on rye, one tuna with extra mayo, and one crocodile and swiss. ...Y'know, that last one may be a problem - If I remember correctly, they only have provolone."

"Still haven't learned your lesson about pickpocketing, eh, Marty? Tsk, tsk, tsk..."

"Did Lorena ever mention her first husband?...Peter, I think his name was Peter.It all turned out all right... they were reunited... I mean Peter."

"I think you got off easy for someone who farted in a mosque."

"Your honor, will you please telepathically inform the witness to stop glaring at me?"

"Please tell the court what happened after you figured out how to turn a campground full of paraplegics into pastrami."

According to your complaint, you are suing for damages from the defendant, Alliance Bionics, for their failure to honor the full 30-year warranty on a mechanical replacement hand. Is that correct, Mr. Skywalker?

"You are accused of crimes against Never Neveranity."

"When did you begin to doubt the practicality of your prosthesis?"


"Very funny Mr. Walstein. Now please state your name again for the court, and not as 'Captain Hook'."

"Thank you Captain, now I'd like to call my next witness, Kris Kringle."

"I hardly see what a crocodile has to do with your stabbing Flava Flav through the heart."

"Jewish or not, that is no way to perform a circumcision!"

"You wanted to experience Darfur firsthand?"

""I'm not bad. I was drawn this way." This is your defense, really? Do you have anything else to add?"

"The defense will rest if it can sit in the comfy chair, Your Honor."

"You're just angry that your identical twin brother on the bench got the gavel attachment, while you ended up with the hook attachment. Yes, you got the raw deal. But nothing compared to mine. I got a sheet of paper with an angry face attachment. I've had to live with this every day of my life. Can you imagine the fecal bacteria....? Why do you think I'm the most successful lawyer in LA?"

Jesus Christ !!!...this is terrible, did you draw this with your left hand, or something ?!

"Do you deny that the severed scalps we have displayed upon the triangles are the result of your handy work?"

"So I guess that's it, then. Twenty years of marriage out the window. It could be that we just grew apart; I guess one never does recover the passion one has as a youth. It could be that the job has changed me. In fact, I'm quite sure it has changed me. I am numb now to what once would have evoked strong feelings of shock, sadness, or disgust. Even now, as I read her parting note, which I think is a drawing of a face, oddly enough, but I'm not quite sure . .. What's that? Oh, sorry. Yes, the defense rests."

"When you said 'Let's shake on it', were you not aware of the victim's severe nickel allergy?"

"At the end of this question I'm going to need a certain punctuation mark...and I think I know where to get it."

"When you're excused, would you mind not puncturing the upholstery and dragging the chair off with you?"

"You'll get sympathy from Judge Shure, otherwise known as 'Old Microphone Hand'".

"...did you really know what they did last summer, or was that a load of crap?"

"So you say this is not your face on the cover of the Rolling Stone?"

"Your honor, I'd like to request that my client's comment 'As soon as this is over I'm gonna rip your goddamn throat out, you worthless fucking weasel' be stricken from the record."

"You are found guilty of not being in a bar, a middle-class suburban living room, or a psychiatrist's office. You are hereby sentenced to wearing a dog costume and uttering banalities that provide faux-trenchant insights into modern urban life."

"And when did you first start having these delusions that you were a man with a hook for ahand in a courtroom instead of on my couch in analysis?"

And was that when you went to itch your balls?

I apologize. I will refer to the witness as an "escort" or "prostitute" and not as a "hooker."

No, I'm pretty sure the expression is "sidebar" not "sidecar," but I don't want to argue with you because quite frankly you scare the bejeezus out of me.

I'm sorry, does "Aaarrrgghh" mean you promise to tell the whole truth or not?

...and you took offense at my client hanging his coat on your hook...

would you mind sharing with the jury how exactly you got out of that cunning, ticking croc

"So you are willing to admit that your hook is serrated especially for you to cut your pastrami sandwiches? Nothing further, Your Honor."

"Yes, yes... the court can see your hook, but on the night in question, isn't it true that you were wearing your leafblower attachment?"

Why do you continue to refer to your right hand a "the hook"?

Is that a hook or are you just glad to see me?

"Yes, I see that, but can you produce the line and sinker?"

"According to this medical report, your other arm's a prosthetic. So tell me, how do you wipe your ass?"

"Really, Mr. Stevens, now that you're here in front of me, I really don't see how you could have qualified for the Guinness Book of World Records for longest distance walked on your hands."

"So even though you were caught on camera by an HBO crew at Hunt's Point, you say you weren't hooking?"

"Lando Calrissian can't save you now, you crippled bitch!"

"And you would agree, would you not, that this plotline in which David E. Kelley has managed to trap us is yet another clear sign -- as if another were needed -- of that man's creative bankruptcy, and perhaps might even indicate that Michelle Pfeiffer must be incredibly unpleasant to be around, if Mr. Kelley would rather spend every single minute of every single hour of every single day of his waking life away from her, cranking out wry one-liners for William Shatner and ducking phone calls from the underemployed Calista Flockhart and Dylan McDermott?"

"You know, you'd really think that someone would have told me that the understudy for Captain Queeg had a hook for a hand sometime before I walked on stage. It's really taking me out of the moment. Also -- and quite understandably -- you keep dropping the ball bearings."

"And so we, the jury, hereby sentence you to hang from a very large Christmas tree, until dead."

"There's no use denying it -- the fingerprints we failed to find on the revolver are an exact match for the fingerprints you so obviously lack."

"... and could you please point that man out in this courtroom? Oops, sorry. My bad. Could you please finger that man in this courtroom? Wait. That actually made it quite a bit worse. Let me try again."

"Why, this case is so unusual, it's like something out of David Feige's gripping memoir of working as an attorney, 'Indefensible', available anywhere fine books are sold."

"Am I reading this correctly? You want an order of protection against a crocodile?"

"Mr. Smith, can you please tell the court where you were the evening of April 5th?"

"So, Mr. Jones. We can see you are hooked, but going around kicking nuns won't get you leniency in this court."

"Your Honor, I would like to advise my client that CNN thinks it can report on his story for the next three years at little cost to them, if there is no objection."

"Hi Witness- Why the long hook?"

Lawyer: "Is it true that, during that episode of the Muppet Show, your hand was torn off by a banana sharpener?"
Beaker: "Meep!"

"And when you were arrested, you were in the possession of illegally duplicated music recordings that you were offering for sale, correct?"

"So...your _name_ is Captain Hook, _and_ you have a hook for a hand? Isn't that
bit overdetermined?"

"Let's go back for a moment to the night of the 'high five' tragedy..."

In your own words you were going to kill him "by hook or by crook?"

What a shot you could be if you could shoot at me with those angry eyes.

"So you killed that Mrs. Allen to get money to buy a piano with unbreakable keys?"

"Sir, I hold here in my hands a picture of you with the hook on your LEFT hand."

"And were you aware, when you slashed the plaintiff, that your hook registration had expired in March, 2004?"

"Your mother died a long and horrible death giving birth to you and your hook... I have here a 1943 morgue photo ..."

"The truth is, your honor, I'm higher than a kite right now. I really have no idea what's going on."

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