The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #50

"Have fun at the pageant, Dear."

"I think you look better in birch."

"Help me, Mr. Accountant/Woodsman. I am just a poor, helpless grandmother sitting comfortably in my living room, reading my newspaper . . . forget it. It's not working for me."

Posted by: Deborah | May 8, 2006 9:34 AM

"So? How was oak?"

Posted by: J | May 8, 2006 9:39 AM

"Have a good day at Square Hole, Inc., dear. And do try to fit in. We can't afford another debacle like the one you had at Amalgamated Square."

Posted by: Lickona | May 8, 2006 9:55 AM

"I agree, no one will ever notice that you're bald if you wear that to work."

Posted by: Francis | May 8, 2006 9:56 AM

And now the BIG THREE:

"Ready for the Halloween Party? 'And the cow jumped over the moon...' What an ingenious idea! Except, what's with the tree trunk and brief case? Your bald head is the moon."

"Is this what you meant last night when you said my naked ankles give you a woody?"

"Honey, you dropped your Victoria Roberts..."

Posted by: Josh | May 8, 2006 10:06 AM

"Honestly, I don't see how your client has a case. I mean, she did give that boy her apples and branches and trunk, did she not? Sure, the boy took advantage, but it's not like she was coerced."

-- Excerpted from "The Giving Tree Files Suit" by Shel Silverstein.

Posted by: Ogdred | May 8, 2006 10:11 AM

"You're right. This is definitely worse than your bite."

"If I saw you in half, will I find out how old you are?"

"The President just called and said your covert mission is canceled. He just found out there are no oak trees in Fallujah."

Posted by: gary | May 8, 2006 10:15 AM

"No, I don't think you look fat in that."

"Yes, Hans, I, too, always thought that Dutch elm disease meant that it attacked Dutch elms, not that it turned the Dutch *into* elms."

"Look out for dogs."

"And to think they all laughed when I said I'd make a husband out of wood! Laughed! At me! Well, who's laughing now?"

Posted by: Tim C. | May 8, 2006 10:23 AM

Morning wood again dear?

Posted by: scoxsmith | May 8, 2006 10:28 AM

Harold, are you really going to wear THOSE fucking shoes with that? Asshat!

Posted by: junior | May 8, 2006 10:39 AM

Okay, dear, you win. Your bark is worse than your bite, especially since it looks like neither of us have any teeth.

Posted by: Jesse | May 8, 2006 10:41 AM

"Yes, it's clever, but I don't think it will be enough to distract people from the obvious fact that we're incestuous twins. Maybe if you changed your glasses."

Posted by: Lickona | May 8, 2006 11:29 AM

"How did you even get into that thing? There doesn't seem to be any hinge or opening, and the armholes have no extra space whatsoever."

"Congratulations on your promotion to branch manager. Dick."

"What's a six-letter word for 'cunt hole'?"..."I don't know, I'm completely stumped."

"No, that's fine, you go ahead and relax any way you want to. I myself prefer to fit my head into a hollowed-out cantaloupe."

"It's even more relaxing being a 'veggie' than it was being a 'furry,' don't you think?"

"What a coincidence! You're the second patient that's come out of his office with a 'bloody stump.'"

Posted by: Trout Almondine | May 8, 2006 11:49 AM

"It's true! As soon as you put that trunk on, none of your exposed body parts appear to line up with one another. That's an amazing optical illusion!"

Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 8, 2006 11:49 AM

"Good luck marching on Dunsinane. I hope you give that tyrant MacBeth what for!"

Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 8, 2006 11:53 AM

"No, it doesn't make you look too much like a tree at all!"

Posted by: Francis | May 8, 2006 12:29 PM

"Get me a glass of milk."

"Have a nice day at the front, dear."

"Did you know a section of the Amazon rainforest the size of a city block is cut down every minute? Oh, of course you did. That's like the holocaust for you people, right?"

"Can I ash you a question?"
"Oakey dokey."
"Are you ready to leave?"
"No."

"Don't get so upset, this newspaper is printed on vellum."

"Carry on, MacDuff."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 8, 2006 12:30 PM

"I appreciate the effort, Harold. But you're still emotionally flaccid."

Posted by: J | May 8, 2006 12:32 PM

"Rigatoni, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Posted by: Slide | May 8, 2006 1:19 PM

It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Denton.

Posted by: marty wombacher | May 8, 2006 1:23 PM

"Good lord, there's a man growing out of my decorative tree stump! So those witches didn't rip me off after all!"

"But what if they shoot for the head?"

"Edward, dear, I don't know exactly how to say this, but I want a div- what... in... the... FUCK!!!????"

"You know, it's not really any less nerdy to be a tree-huggEE."

Posted by: Vance | May 8, 2006 2:15 PM

"If you're trying to prove a point, I have no idea what the fuck it is."

"Look, even if I did believe you that a man in dark sunglasses gave you an attache-case with an unregistered gun and 100 untraceable bullets, I still say you're full of shit if you think I ruined your life by making fun of your Treebeard costume." (sorry...obscure references for the super-nerds)

Posted by: Ogdred | May 8, 2006 2:45 PM

"When you said your company wanted you to open a new 'branch' I just assumed they meant 'branch' as in 'bank branch' not 'branch' as in 'tree branch.' My bad."

"I see. That comment about you just 'sitting around like lump on a log' really got to you, didn't it?"

"Yes sweetie, we can play 'Mistress Lumberjack and the naughty oak' right after I finish reading my paper."

***AND THE WINNER***:

"Knot tonight dear."

Posted by: Al in LA | May 8, 2006 3:19 PM

Honey, I think your obsession with Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" has gone far enough.

~or~

Take that fucking thing off. You're giving me the creeps. I'm also giving myself the creeps, seeing as I'm portraying my aggression with a kindly smile.

Posted by: MPC | May 8, 2006 3:32 PM

"You're sure that all new employees wear trees on their first day?"

Posted by: Deborah | May 8, 2006 3:46 PM

"Oh, your coat came back from the dry cleaners. I forgot to tell you."

Posted by: Deborah | May 8, 2006 3:48 PM

" Oh shut up Ted! Everyone knows your tree is a clip on!"

Posted by: Woody Useitagain | May 8, 2006 4:14 PM

"Damn that David Blaine!"

Posted by: J | May 8, 2006 4:51 PM

WOMEN: What ARE you supposed to me?

MAN: I'm stumped.

Posted by: Woody MIne if I Use IT | May 8, 2006 6:49 PM

"Honey, you can't be the forest for the trees."

Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | May 8, 2006 6:50 PM

"Good luck at the Huckapoo auditions!"

Posted by: Rubrick | May 8, 2006 7:19 PM

Oh is it sex night again? My monkey costume is being drycleaned, why don't we do robot and piglet instead?

Posted by: Mere Ubu | May 8, 2006 7:47 PM

"Yes, your disguise is perfect. Now go find out all of Mrs. Nesdel's gardening secrets."

Posted by: Deborah | May 8, 2006 8:10 PM

"I know what I said and I never said I wanted to 'plunk' you the second you walked through the door."

Posted by: Al in LA | May 8, 2006 8:16 PM

I don't know how to tell you this, but a portion of a hollow tree stump with miraculously conveniently located armholes has somehow fallen out of the sky and wedged itself onto your doughy figure. Okay?

Posted by: Mere Ubu | May 8, 2006 8:19 PM

Oh Woody! The curse is finally starting to wear off! Soon you'll be whole again, back to the lovely tree stump you once were. The cats will be so pleased! And I was getting so tired of trying to balance my beer on that stupid round head.

Posted by: Mere Ubu | May 8, 2006 8:26 PM

I told you if you dressed like a tree none of the contestants would notice that I'm wearing a cow suit.

Posted by: zebra | May 8, 2006 10:04 PM

"So you're gay, that's what you're telling me?"

"Well, I must say, you look pretty silly - no, ridiculously silly - carrying that old, off-balance briefcase."

Posted by: Vance | May 8, 2006 11:19 PM

"School play time again? Last year you were a banana, right? I do wish you could pass 5th grade one of these years. But no matter, I'll get my shoes."

Posted by: Jessica | May 9, 2006 12:08 AM

"You can show me your woodpecker later, dear, I'm still reading the New Yorker."

Posted by: Tom | May 9, 2006 12:38 AM

When I said "make like a tree and leaf," I didn't mean it literally!!

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 12:52 AM

I still don't understand why you would want to wear a tree to work.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 12:54 AM

"A dog peed on you at the park? Well, that's nothing compared to what happened to me today at the bovine insemination clinic."

Posted by: mypalmike | May 9, 2006 12:55 AM

It's nice, but you are wearing it upside-down and backwards.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 12:57 AM

Your briefcase goes with your shoes very nicely.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 12:59 AM

You're dressed up as a tree, and I'm dressed up as a cow!

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:01 AM

"Wood" you like to take out the garbage before you go?

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:02 AM

Isn't it nice that they make insane asylums look like regular houses these days?

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:04 AM

sorry, thought of a better one:

"Wood" you like to take out the garbage before you "leaf" for "bark?"

Yeah, much better.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:10 AM

Haha. I get it. Apical dominance. Your coworkers will love it.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:12 AM

I can count how old you are by the ridges on your head.

Posted by: Harry | May 9, 2006 1:14 AM

"No, honey, I don't think you have too much 'junk in the trunk'."

"Is that a reindeer antler sticking out of your back, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Your mother died. Obituaries, page 37. Bad case of the shingles."

Posted by: mypalmike | May 9, 2006 1:23 AM

"That gentleman from Earth First! called again today. He didn't sound happy."

Posted by: Deborah | May 9, 2006 7:29 AM

"Don't you think you're a bit old to be pledging a fraternity?"

Posted by: Deborah | May 9, 2006 8:46 AM

Nice, luv, but how on earth will you go to the bathroom? Oh,right... On earth. I guess I just answered my own question.

Posted by: david s | May 9, 2006 9:02 AM

"would i? wood eye? shut-up hair lip!"

Posted by: mr. pickycapellit | May 9, 2006 11:26 AM

"All right, have it your way - you heard a tree bark."

Posted by: Slide | May 9, 2006 12:04 PM

Yes, actually it does make you look a little fat.

Posted by: Chuckles McFirefly | May 9, 2006 12:19 PM

Omigod! My newspaper is made out of you! Maybe if you had gone to the trouble of putting, I don't know, more than ONE FUCKING BRANCH on your fucking tree I would give a shit about your joke, Harold. Which I don't even understand, actually. Were you trying to make some kind of environmental statement about the New York Times? First of all, this is the Observer, asshat. Trees AND pink ink. Why don't you dress like a fucking beet next. Do you need a ride to work?

Posted by: Old Hag | May 9, 2006 1:34 PM

Fuck the spotted owl, that coat rocks!

I can't even tell you have a colostomy bag now!

I'd LOVE to see some old growth wood.

Teaching logarithms this week, dear?

Who says elephants are the only mammal to sport a trunk?

Posted by: Amy | May 9, 2006 1:46 PM

You can keep trying, dear, but nothing's going to stop me from dildo-plunging that ass again.

Posted by: skeeelz | May 9, 2006 3:05 PM

"No, I don't want to 'run my hands on your bark' and 'taste your sap'. I mean, ew, Harold. Ew."

Posted by: Tim C. | May 9, 2006 3:06 PM

"Oh, thank God. I thought you said you were buying a fur coat, with a U. And that would have just looked stupid."

Posted by: Tim C. | May 9, 2006 3:16 PM

Adam Liptak says he thought the Lorax's testimony was very compelling yesterday.

Posted by: anonymous | May 9, 2006 3:50 PM

Go throw yourself on the fire while I make myself a drink.

Posted by: danny | May 9, 2006 5:53 PM

"Why yes dear, I am reading a book on obvious puns that can be used in a cartoon caption contest...Why wood you ask?"

Posted by: Woody Hertz | May 9, 2006 6:36 PM

"I must say, you look very sustainable today, dear."

Posted by: PETA's Piper | May 9, 2006 6:45 PM

"I said VICTORIA ROBERTS. What, are you deaf?"

or

"What a clever disguise! I never would have never recognized you, Victoria, but for that obnoxiously large caption that conveniently appears below your feet. Like in those Road Runner cartoons. "Accelerati Incredibilus"." Hilarious. Isn't it nice that those are slowly becoming available on DVD? I certainly think so."

Posted by: J | May 9, 2006 6:56 PM

"You look stupid, but you've still got one more girl than the guy that wrote this caption."

Posted by: sad | May 9, 2006 7:27 PM

"Sorry, I didn't hear you. Did you fall in a forest?"

"I rented 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' again. Why don't you go make some popcorn? Chop, chop!"

"Harold, I'm having an affair with the mailman. The sex isn't great, but it's better than a sharp stick in the eye."

Posted by: mypalmike | May 9, 2006 10:39 PM

You're right, honey. That outfit does make it impossible to tell that you're jerking off using your right hand. Just like this rigid cardboard newspaper conceals what I'm doing with my left.

Posted by: Walt | May 9, 2006 10:45 PM

Yes, that should give you some protection against the baseball bat and the tomahawk. But remember, you'll still have to watch out for the guy with the gun. Have a nice day at work, dear.

Posted by: Walt | May 9, 2006 11:11 PM

"So, it's another NY City Council hearing on the community gardens?"

"I think a hunger strike would have been more effective."

"So, what was the bet this time?"

Posted by: Deborah | May 10, 2006 6:53 AM

"Oh dear, I hope you're not in one of your pithy moods again."

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 8:13 AM

"Well, what did you think God would do when you outted that CIA agent?"

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 8:19 AM

Stay the course, Harold - I'll be back in 150 years."

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 8:46 AM

"Last week you joined the snake-handling Baptists.Let me guess... this has to be Scientology, right?"

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 8:48 AM

"I know you've got a thing for the cute girl with the dreadlocks at the co-op, but the term 'tree huggers' is not to be taken literally. Maybe you could try losing the wingtips in favor of a nice Birkenstock."

Posted by: jason | May 10, 2006 9:25 AM

"It was the 60's: Thousands of girls read the same poem, dropped acid and married saplings."

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 9:49 AM

"Gosh, hon, I guess when Nino Scalia says he's going to send you home in a pine overcoat he really means it. Imagine a universe in which he were a Supreme Court Justice instead of a mob enforcer. That'd be hilarious--for about a minute!"

Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 10, 2006 1:52 PM

I said I'd like it better if you had an attractive woodpecker, not if you attracted woodpeckers

Posted by: Sincent | May 10, 2006 2:38 PM

"Just how much Viagra did you take?"

Posted by: Barky McTree Hugger | May 10, 2006 3:32 PM

"No, no, I suggested that you "keep a log," not "become a log."

Posted by: Square 5 | May 10, 2006 3:35 PM

"Mmmmm, I think it's time to repot that manroot of yours."

Posted by: Francis | May 10, 2006 4:38 PM

(Don't say anything about the tree... don't say anything about the tree...) Why dear, what a lovely tree! (Fuck!)

Jesus Christ, Larry. We've got to work up to these kinds of things! Go get me some Crisco and a traffic cone, and we'll see how far she'll go.

Posted by: skeeelz | May 10, 2006 4:43 PM

Remember when you weren't nuts, Bob? Do you remember? No, of course you don't, dear. Now let's wipe off that spittle.

Posted by: skeeelz | May 10, 2006 4:48 PM

"fuck off Pine, you've got such a human up your ass!"

Posted by: dmr | May 10, 2006 5:06 PM

"Hey- Laura stuck with George after he became an organ grinder's monkey: I guess I can do the same for you."

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 7:09 PM

"You tube."

Posted by: Slide | May 10, 2006 7:11 PM

When are you going to blow the mailman?

Posted by: Tom Miller | May 10, 2006 7:46 PM

"Harold, I have something to tell you. I've been seeing Plastic Man."

Posted by: Square 4 | May 10, 2006 7:48 PM

"Yes, I am leaving you. I think you're an ass."

Posted by: Deborah | May 10, 2006 9:19 PM

"Now no one can tell you have a hard-on, Woody."

Posted by: Slip Whitsun | May 11, 2006 10:02 AM

So you thought I said my beaver could use a big log, go dam it?

Posted by: Sincent | May 11, 2006 1:21 PM

"Don't just stand there all casual, Phil. I can tell you had another 'car versus tree' incident on the way home. How? Oh, I have my ways."

Posted by: Vance | May 11, 2006 1:35 PM

"Then it really is true: The asshole never falls far from the oak."

Posted by: DukeStir | May 11, 2006 2:34 PM

"If a woman stabs a tree in her living room and there's no one around to hear it scream, does it make a sound?"

"See, we're perfect for each other. You're a tree and my hair's a fucking bird's nest."

"There he is, my sexy one pump stump."

"Who the fuck do you think you are, Julia Butterfly?"

Posted by: Kevin Dean Nicewanger | May 11, 2006 2:47 PM

"Is that a limb coming out of your knot hole, or are you just glad to see me?"

Posted by: Naes | May 11, 2006 6:27 PM

"So Charlie, how much wood would you chuck?"

Posted by: mypalmike | May 12, 2006 11:01 AM

Special Ovid Edition: "Ave, Philemon. Quid occure? Non! Non est tempus! Lecto tamen Frank Rich! Iupiter scelestus est!"

[I haven't taken Latin since 1988 so please direct grammar quibbles directly to tips@gawker.com]

Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 12, 2006 11:42 AM

With Peter's pecker pricking a peck of pickled peppers, the peppers pickled his pecker, prick packing Peter within

Posted by: Sincent | May 12, 2006 2:11 PM

Good luck finding a seat on the train!

Well you've made like a tree, now leave!!

Posted by: Mitch | May 12, 2006 3:01 PM

"No, I don't notice anything different about you. Wait: Is that a new briefcase?"

"Say, honey, if you were a tree, what kind of a tree would you-- Oh! Never mind."

"Gracious, dear. You're very nearly as wooden as a Winona Ryder performance."

"This newspaper? Why, um, no, it isn't made out of wood. It's printed on... uh... linen? Yes, linen. That's it."

"I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about sculptors. All you have to do is get a block of wood and chop off anything that doesn't look like a husband."

Posted by: Tim C. | May 12, 2006 5:57 PM

"Sure I remember, Harold: I heard Tammy Wynette sing'Stand By Your Tree" and I just melted."

Posted by: Sincere Lee | May 12, 2006 6:21 PM

Hi Harold: Why the long nose?"

Posted by: Condi | May 12, 2006 7:29 PM

" If ever you would leaf me.........."

Posted by: Screamin Jay Cheney | May 12, 2006 8:56 PM

"So we're in a metajoke. That's nice, dear."

"To what do you refer when you speak of the dead tree version of our newspaper? I do not get your point."

"Are you sure this is the section of the paper with the commodity futures?"

Posted by: RichM | May 12, 2006 11:23 PM

"Harold you look pale...it must be the change of seasons."

Posted by: David W | May 13, 2006 1:55 AM

"Don't come home a drinkin' with rootin' on your mind."

Posted by: Olaf | May 13, 2006 10:20 AM

"Branch Manager? Oh Harold, let's celebrate."

Posted by: Kelvin | May 13, 2006 11:32 AM

"It's too early in the season for stumping."

"I'm sure Burnham Wood is a wonderful sales territory."

Posted by: Jay | May 13, 2006 12:14 PM

"Now they can take pictures of you on the subway all they like."

Posted by: Jay | May 13, 2006 12:17 PM

"You're right. From now on, we don't let Victoria Roberts bring etching acid to our dinner parties."

Posted by: Jay | May 13, 2006 12:25 PM

"Stumpilingus? Never heard of it but I'll be glad to take a crack at it."

Posted by: Olaf | May 13, 2006 3:50 PM

"Victoria Roberts..... is her husband Oral or Anal?"

Posted by: Olaftoomuch | May 13, 2006 6:56 PM

"Let me guess: it's called a lumber jack-et"

Posted by: David W | May 13, 2006 8:56 PM

"Wow, Fred, you know what I just read? Remember your best man, Dougie Wolfton? He died on Tuesday in a horrible car crash! Can you beat that! Huh. ... By the way, what's with the tree stump?"

Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2006 1:10 AM

�If you wait a minute, darling, I�ll change into my dog suit and pee on you. And then it�ll be off to work for the two of us!�

Posted by: David | May 14, 2006 10:57 AM

"Sorry honey, I'm late getting home from work. But there was another logjam."

Posted by: David Winger | May 14, 2006 11:41 AM

"I think I like you better in your turtle shell sweater."

Posted by: David Winger | May 14, 2006 11:44 AM

"Mom, my therapist told me to go back home and find my roots."

Posted by: David Winger | May 14, 2006 11:49 AM

What's in the briefcase Henry? Not more dead squirrels!

Posted by: David Winger | May 14, 2006 11:55 AM

"No there's no engine, transmission or wheels..but the dealer sold me on the trunk space!"