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May 8, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #50

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

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"That's it. No more Thursday Styles section for you."

Results after the jump

Winner:
"Did you know a section of the Amazon rainforest the size of a city block is cut down every minute? Oh, of course you did. That's like the holocaust for you people, right?" —TG Gibbon

Finalists:
"All right, have it your way — you heard a tree bark." —Slide

"(Don't say anything about the tree... don't say anything about the tree...) Why dear, what a lovely tree! (Fuck!)" —skeeelz

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"Have fun at the pageant, Dear."

"I think you look better in birch."

"Help me, Mr. Accountant/Woodsman. I am just a poor, helpless grandmother sitting comfortably in my living room, reading my newspaper . . . forget it. It's not working for me."

"So? How was oak?"

"Have a good day at Square Hole, Inc., dear. And do try to fit in. We can't afford another debacle like the one you had at Amalgamated Square."

"I agree, no one will ever notice that you're bald if you wear that to work."

And now the BIG THREE:

"Ready for the Halloween Party? 'And the cow jumped over the moon...' What an ingenious idea! Except, what's with the tree trunk and brief case? Your bald head is the moon."

"Is this what you meant last night when you said my naked ankles give you a woody?"

"Honey, you dropped your Victoria Roberts..."

"Honestly, I don't see how your client has a case. I mean, she did give that boy her apples and branches and trunk, did she not? Sure, the boy took advantage, but it's not like she was coerced."

-- Excerpted from "The Giving Tree Files Suit" by Shel Silverstein.

"You're right. This is definitely worse than your bite."

"If I saw you in half, will I find out how old you are?"

"The President just called and said your covert mission is canceled. He just found out there are no oak trees in Fallujah."

"No, I don't think you look fat in that."

"Yes, Hans, I, too, always thought that Dutch elm disease meant that it attacked Dutch elms, not that it turned the Dutch *into* elms."

"Look out for dogs."

"And to think they all laughed when I said I'd make a husband out of wood! Laughed! At me! Well, who's laughing now?"

Morning wood again dear?

Harold, are you really going to wear THOSE fucking shoes with that? Asshat!

Okay, dear, you win. Your bark is worse than your bite, especially since it looks like neither of us have any teeth.

"Yes, it's clever, but I don't think it will be enough to distract people from the obvious fact that we're incestuous twins. Maybe if you changed your glasses."

"How did you even get into that thing? There doesn't seem to be any hinge or opening, and the armholes have no extra space whatsoever."

"Congratulations on your promotion to branch manager. Dick."

"What's a six-letter word for 'cunt hole'?"..."I don't know, I'm completely stumped."

"No, that's fine, you go ahead and relax any way you want to. I myself prefer to fit my head into a hollowed-out cantaloupe."

"It's even more relaxing being a 'veggie' than it was being a 'furry,' don't you think?"

"What a coincidence! You're the second patient that's come out of his office with a 'bloody stump.'"

"It's true! As soon as you put that trunk on, none of your exposed body parts appear to line up with one another. That's an amazing optical illusion!"

"Good luck marching on Dunsinane. I hope you give that tyrant MacBeth what for!"

"No, it doesn't make you look too much like a tree at all!"

"Get me a glass of milk."

"Have a nice day at the front, dear."

"Did you know a section of the Amazon rainforest the size of a city block is cut down every minute? Oh, of course you did. That's like the holocaust for you people, right?"

"Can I ash you a question?"
"Oakey dokey."
"Are you ready to leave?"
"No."

"Don't get so upset, this newspaper is printed on vellum."

"Carry on, MacDuff."

"I appreciate the effort, Harold. But you're still emotionally flaccid."

"Rigatoni, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Denton.

"Good lord, there's a man growing out of my decorative tree stump! So those witches didn't rip me off after all!"

"But what if they shoot for the head?"

"Edward, dear, I don't know exactly how to say this, but I want a div- what... in... the... FUCK!!!????"

"You know, it's not really any less nerdy to be a tree-huggEE."

"If you're trying to prove a point, I have no idea what the fuck it is."

"Look, even if I did believe you that a man in dark sunglasses gave you an attache-case with an unregistered gun and 100 untraceable bullets, I still say you're full of shit if you think I ruined your life by making fun of your Treebeard costume." (sorry...obscure references for the super-nerds)

"When you said your company wanted you to open a new 'branch' I just assumed they meant 'branch' as in 'bank branch' not 'branch' as in 'tree branch.' My bad."

"I see. That comment about you just 'sitting around like lump on a log' really got to you, didn't it?"

"Yes sweetie, we can play 'Mistress Lumberjack and the naughty oak' right after I finish reading my paper."

***AND THE WINNER***:

"Knot tonight dear."

Honey, I think your obsession with Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" has gone far enough.

~or~

Take that fucking thing off. You're giving me the creeps. I'm also giving myself the creeps, seeing as I'm portraying my aggression with a kindly smile.

"You're sure that all new employees wear trees on their first day?"

"Oh, your coat came back from the dry cleaners. I forgot to tell you."

" Oh shut up Ted! Everyone knows your tree is a clip on!"

"Damn that David Blaine!"

WOMEN: What ARE you supposed to me?

MAN: I'm stumped.

"Honey, you can't be the forest for the trees."

"Good luck at the Huckapoo auditions!"

Oh is it sex night again? My monkey costume is being drycleaned, why don't we do robot and piglet instead?

"Yes, your disguise is perfect. Now go find out all of Mrs. Nesdel's gardening secrets."

"I know what I said and I never said I wanted to 'plunk' you the second you walked through the door."

I don't know how to tell you this, but a portion of a hollow tree stump with miraculously conveniently located armholes has somehow fallen out of the sky and wedged itself onto your doughy figure. Okay?

Oh Woody! The curse is finally starting to wear off! Soon you'll be whole again, back to the lovely tree stump you once were. The cats will be so pleased! And I was getting so tired of trying to balance my beer on that stupid round head.

I told you if you dressed like a tree none of the contestants would notice that I'm wearing a cow suit.

"So you're gay, that's what you're telling me?"

"Well, I must say, you look pretty silly - no, ridiculously silly - carrying that old, off-balance briefcase."

"School play time again? Last year you were a banana, right? I do wish you could pass 5th grade one of these years. But no matter, I'll get my shoes."

"You can show me your woodpecker later, dear, I'm still reading the New Yorker."

When I said "make like a tree and leaf," I didn't mean it literally!!

I still don't understand why you would want to wear a tree to work.

"A dog peed on you at the park? Well, that's nothing compared to what happened to me today at the bovine insemination clinic."

It's nice, but you are wearing it upside-down and backwards.

Your briefcase goes with your shoes very nicely.

You're dressed up as a tree, and I'm dressed up as a cow!

"Wood" you like to take out the garbage before you go?

Isn't it nice that they make insane asylums look like regular houses these days?

sorry, thought of a better one:

"Wood" you like to take out the garbage before you "leaf" for "bark?"

Yeah, much better.

Haha. I get it. Apical dominance. Your coworkers will love it.

I can count how old you are by the ridges on your head.

"No, honey, I don't think you have too much 'junk in the trunk'."

"Is that a reindeer antler sticking out of your back, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Your mother died. Obituaries, page 37. Bad case of the shingles."

"That gentleman from Earth First! called again today. He didn't sound happy."

"Don't you think you're a bit old to be pledging a fraternity?"

Nice, luv, but how on earth will you go to the bathroom? Oh,right... On earth. I guess I just answered my own question.

"would i? wood eye? shut-up hair lip!"

"All right, have it your way - you heard a tree bark."

Yes, actually it does make you look a little fat.

Omigod! My newspaper is made out of you! Maybe if you had gone to the trouble of putting, I don't know, more than ONE FUCKING BRANCH on your fucking tree I would give a shit about your joke, Harold. Which I don't even understand, actually. Were you trying to make some kind of environmental statement about the New York Times? First of all, this is the Observer, asshat. Trees AND pink ink. Why don't you dress like a fucking beet next. Do you need a ride to work?

Fuck the spotted owl, that coat rocks!

I can't even tell you have a colostomy bag now!

I'd LOVE to see some old growth wood.

Teaching logarithms this week, dear?

Who says elephants are the only mammal to sport a trunk?

You can keep trying, dear, but nothing's going to stop me from dildo-plunging that ass again.

"No, I don't want to 'run my hands on your bark' and 'taste your sap'. I mean, ew, Harold. Ew."

"Oh, thank God. I thought you said you were buying a fur coat, with a U. And that would have just looked stupid."

Adam Liptak says he thought the Lorax's testimony was very compelling yesterday.

Go throw yourself on the fire while I make myself a drink.

"Why yes dear, I am reading a book on obvious puns that can be used in a cartoon caption contest...Why wood you ask?"

"I must say, you look very sustainable today, dear."

"I said VICTORIA ROBERTS. What, are you deaf?"

or

"What a clever disguise! I never would have never recognized you, Victoria, but for that obnoxiously large caption that conveniently appears below your feet. Like in those Road Runner cartoons. "Accelerati Incredibilus"." Hilarious. Isn't it nice that those are slowly becoming available on DVD? I certainly think so."

"You look stupid, but you've still got one more girl than the guy that wrote this caption."

"Sorry, I didn't hear you. Did you fall in a forest?"

"I rented 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' again. Why don't you go make some popcorn? Chop, chop!"

"Harold, I'm having an affair with the mailman. The sex isn't great, but it's better than a sharp stick in the eye."

You're right, honey. That outfit does make it impossible to tell that you're jerking off using your right hand. Just like this rigid cardboard newspaper conceals what I'm doing with my left.

Yes, that should give you some protection against the baseball bat and the tomahawk. But remember, you'll still have to watch out for the guy with the gun. Have a nice day at work, dear.

"So, it's another NY City Council hearing on the community gardens?"

"I think a hunger strike would have been more effective."

"So, what was the bet this time?"

"Oh dear, I hope you're not in one of your pithy moods again."

"Well, what did you think God would do when you outted that CIA agent?"

Stay the course, Harold - I'll be back in 150 years."

"Last week you joined the snake-handling Baptists.Let me guess... this has to be Scientology, right?"

"I know you've got a thing for the cute girl with the dreadlocks at the co-op, but the term 'tree huggers' is not to be taken literally. Maybe you could try losing the wingtips in favor of a nice Birkenstock."

"It was the 60's: Thousands of girls read the same poem, dropped acid and married saplings."

"Gosh, hon, I guess when Nino Scalia says he's going to send you home in a pine overcoat he really means it. Imagine a universe in which he were a Supreme Court Justice instead of a mob enforcer. That'd be hilarious--for about a minute!"

I said I'd like it better if you had an attractive woodpecker, not if you attracted woodpeckers

"Just how much Viagra did you take?"

"No, no, I suggested that you "keep a log," not "become a log."

"Mmmmm, I think it's time to repot that manroot of yours."

(Don't say anything about the tree... don't say anything about the tree...) Why dear, what a lovely tree! (Fuck!)

Jesus Christ, Larry. We've got to work up to these kinds of things! Go get me some Crisco and a traffic cone, and we'll see how far she'll go.

Remember when you weren't nuts, Bob? Do you remember? No, of course you don't, dear. Now let's wipe off that spittle.

"fuck off Pine, you've got such a human up your ass!"

"Hey- Laura stuck with George after he became an organ grinder's monkey: I guess I can do the same for you."

"You tube."

When are you going to blow the mailman?

"Harold, I have something to tell you. I've been seeing Plastic Man."

"Yes, I am leaving you. I think you're an ass."

"Now no one can tell you have a hard-on, Woody."

So you thought I said my beaver could use a big log, go dam it?

"Don't just stand there all casual, Phil. I can tell you had another 'car versus tree' incident on the way home. How? Oh, I have my ways."

"Then it really is true: The asshole never falls far from the oak."

"If a woman stabs a tree in her living room and there's no one around to hear it scream, does it make a sound?"

"See, we're perfect for each other. You're a tree and my hair's a fucking bird's nest."

"There he is, my sexy one pump stump."

"Who the fuck do you think you are, Julia Butterfly?"

"Is that a limb coming out of your knot hole, or are you just glad to see me?"

"So Charlie, how much wood would you chuck?"

Special Ovid Edition: "Ave, Philemon. Quid occure? Non! Non est tempus! Lecto tamen Frank Rich! Iupiter scelestus est!"

[I haven't taken Latin since 1988 so please direct grammar quibbles directly to tips@gawker.com]

With Peter's pecker pricking a peck of pickled peppers, the peppers pickled his pecker, prick packing Peter within

Good luck finding a seat on the train!

Well you've made like a tree, now leave!!

"No, I don't notice anything different about you. Wait: Is that a new briefcase?"

"Say, honey, if you were a tree, what kind of a tree would you-- Oh! Never mind."

"Gracious, dear. You're very nearly as wooden as a Winona Ryder performance."

"This newspaper? Why, um, no, it isn't made out of wood. It's printed on... uh... linen? Yes, linen. That's it."

"I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about sculptors. All you have to do is get a block of wood and chop off anything that doesn't look like a husband."

"Sure I remember, Harold: I heard Tammy Wynette sing'Stand By Your Tree" and I just melted."

Hi Harold: Why the long nose?"

" If ever you would leaf me.........."

"So we're in a metajoke. That's nice, dear."

"To what do you refer when you speak of the dead tree version of our newspaper? I do not get your point."

"Are you sure this is the section of the paper with the commodity futures?"

"Harold you look pale...it must be the change of seasons."

"Don't come home a drinkin' with rootin' on your mind."

"Branch Manager? Oh Harold, let's celebrate."

"It's too early in the season for stumping."

"I'm sure Burnham Wood is a wonderful sales territory."

"Now they can take pictures of you on the subway all they like."

"You're right. From now on, we don't let Victoria Roberts bring etching acid to our dinner parties."

"Stumpilingus? Never heard of it but I'll be glad to take a crack at it."

"Victoria Roberts..... is her husband Oral or Anal?"

"Let me guess: it's called a lumber jack-et"

"Wow, Fred, you know what I just read? Remember your best man, Dougie Wolfton? He died on Tuesday in a horrible car crash! Can you beat that! Huh. ... By the way, what's with the tree stump?"

ďIf you wait a minute, darling, Iíll change into my dog suit and pee on you. And then itíll be off to work for the two of us!Ē

"Sorry honey, I'm late getting home from work. But there was another logjam."

"I think I like you better in your turtle shell sweater."

"Mom, my therapist told me to go back home and find my roots."

What's in the briefcase Henry? Not more dead squirrels!

"No there's no engine, transmission or wheels..but the dealer sold me on the trunk space!"

Don't be so tough on yourself, Myron. I myself am wearing a wearing a diaper full of chocolate pudding.

Oops, I doupled a couple of words. I probably misspelled something too. Fix it if you quite it, eh?

Harold, you're wearing a... oh, nevermind.

Oops. I failed to put my name on "nevermind"

I solemnly promise to be more better next time.

"A squirrel ran off with your whats!?"

"No harold, not a tree. I said you can sometimes be a really dickweed!"

"Oh, that reminds me, The toilet needs to be plunged."

"I see you still have your morning wood."

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