April 30, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #49

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"I gotta go. The guy at the end of the bar is about to say, 'What is this, some kind of joke?' and I have to smack him."

"Holy crap, that's the tallest freakin' Jew I've ever seen. Do they let Jews play in the NBA? He should play in the NBA. Or maybe the JewBA."

Results after the jump

"Do you remember that joke you told me? Yeah, the bar-related one. Does something bad happen to the bartender?" —Harry

"Hang on. I've got to serve two new customers, and to beat the daylights out of a Catholic who doesn't know where he isn't wanted." —Tim C

"Hello, hq? Yeah, I need a nigger and two dykes, ASAP to bring this one on home." —Mere Ubu

PS: MeFi'ers bet you can't actually think of a single (non-meta) joke with this set up.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I gotta go. Apparently, the 'No Blacks, No Jews, No Papists' sign fell down again."

"Y'know, it seemed like a clever name at the time, but I'm beginning to think 'The Holy Glory' really doesn't say 'gay bar' loud enough."

"Hang on. A priest, a minister and a rabbi are just about to sit down next to Chris Hitchens. I gotta watch this."

"I know you're not going to believe this, but guess who just walked in? A minister, a rabbi, and The Ethicist dressed up like a priest."

"Well, you were right, the 'free drinks for clergymen' sign lured them in. Now all I have to do is offer them a free stress test."

"Gotta go. Three customers just walked in."

"I gotta go. I'm about to say, 'Sorry, we don't serve clergymen,' and the guy at the end of the bar is about to reply, 'Good, I don't want any!' and I have to smack him."

"Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Yeah--they found out I was still undecided.

"Three guys who can afford health insurance walk into a bar."

"Is there some sort of interfaith conference in town? There is? Well, that explains the Native American shaman and the Wiccan priestess making out by the pinball machine. Oh, and here are some more attendees now."

"In a can? No, that's not where my Prince Albert is. Oh, I hope the priest didn't hear me say that."

"One pepperoni, extra large."

"Two pepperonis, extra large."

"Three pepperonis, extra large."

I can't decide which one of those three is funniest.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I got it...

"FOUR pepperonis, extra large."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I kill me.

"Hey, guess what? A priest, a minister, and a rabbi just walked into my bar."

"Yes, I'll hold."

"Yeah, Happy Halloween to you to."

"Interfaith House of Pancakes, how can I help you?"

"Jesus, it's the Clergy. No, not them, the street gang that dresses as prelates of various major faiths as a theme. Yeah, they're probably here to collect protection money. I wouldn't mind so much, if they didn't always say 'Anything for the collection plate?' while they did it. Anyway, gotta go. Thanks for the phone sex."

"Is this National Restaurant Food Wholesalers? I'd like to cut my order of pork by two-thirds, but please double my order of matzoh balls."

"Yeah, we seem to be keeping the Muslims out. No, we have nothing to hide if you wish to continue tapping our phones, reviewing our ordering records and customers' credit card information, and conducting random site visits and demanding identification from any 'swarthy' customers. Okay, talk to you later, Mr. Goss."

Shit, if I wanted these kind of people in my bar, I'd make it look like a church like the one next door...

"Hold on, I'll ask: Is there a Charles Darwin in the bar? Is there a- wait a second here, why you little..."

"On tap? We got two microbrews - Sion Suds and the Holy grAle. Yep. The Roseline Bar on Sarah Street. I gotta go, I got customers to... hello? Oh Christ, they found me."

"And I designed holders for the Tabasco bottles that look like spires of the Taj Mahal! And you should see our Shah Jahan-inspired thug wear..."

"You wouldn't believe this, an AME bishop, a Lutheran pastor, and an Amish elder just walked into the fake soda shop I use as a front for my Anarcho-Syndicalist Cabal."

"Yeah, the clergy you sent arrived, Mom."

"Yes, Lily, I do think the New Yorker cartoonists spend an inordinate amount of time drawing bars. But at least they keep the precocious Upper West Side children and talking Nantucket animals to a minimum. Oh, look, I gotta go, my three best friends from Choate just got here. Okay, sure, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Keep on the line, Stacy, I may need you to call the cops."

"Yeah, they just got here. Finally. Look, you can shove it up your ass, Monsignor, next time I'm calling Ghostbusters."

"No, God, I haven't seen them. But if any of them show up, I'll be sure to let them know you called."

"Hang on. I've got to serve two new customers, and to beat the daylights out of a Catholic who doesn't know where he isn't wanted."

"Whoa! A black guy! You don't see those much around here! And by 'here' I refer, of course, to New Yorker cartoons."

"Fusilli! You crazy bastard, how -- wait, hang on, I've got customers."

"Look, all I'm saying is, I'm sick of you sneaking in and replacing my beer taps with old-fashioned train whistles. Once was funny, but I'm trying to run a business here! Thank Christ that most of my customers are members of the clergy and thus tend to be tetotalers."

"Hold on, I think it's about to be last call. I know it's two in the afternoon-- I meant last call in the judgement day sense. It would have been really funny if you could see who just walked in."

"Not the clientele I expected when I renamed the place 'The Glory Hole.'"

"I thought the parrot already told you guys you weren't welcome here."

"Of all the cliches, in all the cartoons, in all the world, this one had to walk into my gin joint."

"No, I'm telling you, it's an optical illusion: All three noses are exactly the same size, but the rabbi's looks larger."

"Sure, I'll ask. Anyone here lose a duck?"

"Sorry, guys, this is Al's Diner. You're looking for Al's Bar, which is the next block over."

"The Theocrats!"

"Aw, fuck, it's homeland security!"

"Huh, I guess Matisyahu really does have a broad fan base."

Ah geez, it's going to be like that Jody Foster movie...no, no, not the one where she's she hidng in her house from Forest Whitaker, the one in the bar where she's... never mind, I need to go check the Manischevitz.

Hello Satan? Yeah, it's me, the Almighty. Guess what? Three more people just made it into heaven. That's right, sucker, now I've got four! BOO-ya!

"Hold on, I've got to do another religion-and-drinking thing. Yeah, it's kinda lame. We did drinking in a church in The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #41, so I guess we have to do religious figures in a bar this time. No, I don't have to do too much, the bartender is always the straight man."

Yeah, Joe, I've been getting them in my bar too. It's the same all over town. Apparently they've got nowhere else to go since the teaching of evolution as a well-established finding with no serious competing scientific theories caused everyone to completely reject all traditional spiritual and moral belief systems.

Look, I don't care if it would make the rabbi and the minister irrelevant, or that there's no kid anywhere in sight. I still think there's a pedophilia joke in here somehwere. Sure, I'll call you back as soon as I come up with one. What's the deadline?

Crap, mate, looks like we'll have a fight on 'er hands here.

You can understand the advantage of my wearing a bow tie; any other tie would be falling into people's drinks all the time. Oops, gotta go, it's near post time at Aqueduct and the regulars are here.

"Yeah, they walk in, the priest places a single oat on the bar, and they leave. Third time this week."

"Five pepperonis, extra large."

"I gotta go. Three more rejects from the auditions to replace Brittney Segal just walked in. It's going to be a busy afternoon."

"You won't believe it Ethel, but the God Mod Squad just walked in... yeah, I flushed it last time."

Do you remember that joke you told me? Yeah, the bar related one. Does something bad happen to the bartender?

I gotta go. Do you know any killer rabbi/priest/minister bar jokes?

So, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a ba— shit. They're all staring at me. I'm gonna have to finish this one later.

So, get this: That trio i told you about goes around from bar to bar just to get people to understand the meaning of irony.

"Hello? I asked for 'prostitutes, whores' not 'a priest and two more'."

Well I'll be damned.

"Seven pepperonis, extra large. ... What? No, no, no, no, no... Six pepperonis wouldn't be funny."

hello, hq? yeah, i need a nigger and two dykes, ASAP to bring this one on home.

Hello, New Yorker? Yes, I'd like to cancel my subscription please.

Please stop me if you haven't heard this one.

"I'll have to call you back. Quentin Tarantino just walked in wearing a rabbi costume."

Sponsored caption: "You're right, smooth, refreshing Bud Lite can unite all of America's peoples."

"Man, it's like The King, The Mice and The Cheese here - we got rid of the minotaur, but now these clowns keep showing up."

"Well I'll be - remember that dual-backpack rabbi-tote you were telling me about? Now I believe you."

"Hello, Acme exterminators?"

Your uterus just fell out.

"Hey, this is Joe, from Joe's Bar, Grill and Abortion Shack. I'm gonna need to reschedule your appointment."

"No, no- Listen to this: I'm gonna say, 'Hi guys- why the long noses?"

"No, no- Listen to this: I'm gonna say, 'Hi guys- why the long noses?"

"Excellent. Our pope assasination plan can't fail!"

Sorry gentlemen, this is a '50s-style diner. The proverbial bar you're looking for is next door.

And then the farmer says "you can stay here, but you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my beautiful daughter." Oh shit, Mr. Leno, I'll have to call you back.

"Hello? I'm calling to complain about my pizza order. What kind of literalists are you employing there that you send over seven large pepperoni sausages, and not pepperoni pizzas? I mean, c'mon now, that's just absurd. ... Oh, wait a minute, the rabbi I ordered is here."

They found me. I don't know how but they found me.

Bring in the gimp.

Yes, hello. Could you please let Imam Al-Hazr know that he's late? Thanks.

"I am unhappy with my current long distance carrier but I figure I deserve it. At least that's what my customers tell me."

I regret naming this joing "O'Pedophile's"

Hey, shouldn't you three be in an underfueled airplane right now arguing over who gets the only parachute?

"Oh, shit, the pleasure-bots escaped again!"

"Yeah, it's the judges for The New Yorker Cartoon Caption contest: They'll be wanting white bread again.

"Wrong again, Dubya: The real Axis of Evil is walking through my door as we speak."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the tall one is the lead singer for Flock of Siegles."

The guys from porta-confession are here

Yeah swollen completly shut, I can't see a damn thing. I think its very contagious...Did you hear that?

"No, no- Listen to this: I'm gonna say, 'Hi guys- why the long noses?"

this is crazy!!! just like that joke!!! who'll ever believe this!!! I should take a photo for proof!!! but people will think I staged the photo!!! I think I will ask them "what's the punchline?"!!! they'll get a kick outta that!!! OH ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Hey, I just thought of a joke. This guy sits at the end of a bar...

What did the blue nun do to the dyslexic blonde? Made her one sick duck

"It's kind of ironic: I'm actually the Prophet Mohammed, so the guy at the end of my bar is the only layman here -- and yet he's not laying at all, he's sitting down!" More of the same, here at the secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility. The drawings have been poor-quality and repetitive due to disease, possibly yellow fever, in the adjoining illustrator's camp. If I can stay healthy, lie low, and keep working on the tunnel, we might just make it out by June. The race isn't just againt the coming monsoon. Everyone's sense of humor is stretched to the breaking point. The terrible joke I led off with is typical of my work these past few days. None of us knows how much longer we can remain "useful" as captioners.

Yes sir Mr. Bublé... Sammy, Franky and Dino, I'm positive... I'll slip 'em a Mickey and have 'em greased up for ya in ten.

"Yeah, they just got here. This agnostic fuck's about to get a lesson in the holy smackdown, and I've got a ringside seat."

"Bring on the hounds."

"Yeah, I'll do it. I decided to give him last rites first, though. I'm not sure what religion he is, so I covered all bases."

Hey, I gotta get off the phone, but what do you think is the most obvious caption?

"Aw, Jesus- I gotta go. My regulars just walked in."

"Speaking of which, I think I'm about to have a revelation."

"...Oh- and get a couple of cartons of punch. Despite the cliche, these guys don't drink. They come for the camaraderie. And to unload their congregants' problems."

"Hang on a sec'- I'm experiencing tremendous deja vu."

"Dullest. Halloween. Ever."

“Oh, just the usual Sunday night losers….”

"Looks like it's been a tough weekend for the Judeo-Christians."

“Fifty dollars to see my own caption on one of their cartoons? My son can do that for me for nothing. He does it on his computer!”

"Get those trannie hookers over here pronto. It's gonna be a big night--a really big night. And just so there’s no misunderstanding: I'm gonna want more than my usual ten percent!"

"That's right, I'm turning my bar into a house of worship. I don't know yet- I'm selling it to the highest bidder."

"Yeah, I've gotta stop opening before services. You wouldn't believe the crowd I pull in."

"Better send a squad car, the Holy Hellraisers are back."

"Rectum? It nearly killed 'em!"

"The usual, guys? Let's see, that's one shot of Dewars, a glass of Manischewitz, and a forty of Colt 45. Do you want a glass with your beer, Rabbi?"

"To get to the other side."

"Yeah, they're filming this new reality TV show here today. It's called 'Hot For Preacher.'"

"OK, but does this joke happen to involve a gay prostitute too? Well, there's this other guy at the bar wearing a lot of makeup. OK, there's the makeup, and the fact that I just paid him for a quickie in the bathroom."

I gotta go Raulph... Raquel Welch usually walks in about ten minutes after these guys

tell me again how to pronounce your name, Raulph

"Yes, the other three sex-offenders just walked in..."

"I knew I should have paid the second collection at church. Now God sent all three of them after me!"

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