The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #46
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
Results after the jump
Winner:
"Excellent question. The chairs are vinyl, and can be cleaned with a damp sponge. Now, does anyone have any questions NOT about the nudity?" —Tim C.
Finalists:
"This is the dawning of the age of some budget cuts, the age of needed budget cuuuuts! Budget cuuuuuuts! Budget cuts!" —Josh Jacobson
“You, you’re the problem! All of you! It used to be about the pride of doing a good job, the comradery between co-workers, the satisfaction that came from providing quality goods and services at a fair price. We used to make something other than money, here, but now – now it’s all about profit margins and needless expansion and ‘meeting our numbers.’ Because we have to please you nitwits. There used to be something called ‘loyalty’ in this country. But you, you keep staring at those up-to-the-minute crawls, you keep your broker on speed-dial. You just want to know when it’s going to be the right time to cash out and jump on the Next Big Thing. You – all of you – you make me sick, and I’m going to walk right the hell out of here, just as soon as I’ve finished fucking this lectern.” — J
Last week, I inadvertently selected two captions from the same person as the winner and a finalist. That was not technically against the rules, because there were no rules at the time. Now there is a single rule: while you may continue to submit as many captions as you like, only one caption per person will be honored. I call this the Tim C. rule, and it comes just in time. In addition to Tim C.'s unprecedented two-in-a-row win this week, any of the following from him could easily have been finalists:
"If you keep your eye on the dot in our logo, you'll get a delightful surprise! Unless you're expecting my penis to pop out of it. In which case, it will merely be delightful."
"We'd especially like to welcome the camera crew from HBO's 'Real Sex'. Apparently, they heard that we were unappealing and naked, and that's like catnip for those people."
"This year, we had losses of $3 million, partially offset by the fee we're currently earning from Spencer Tunick."
"And the motion to add Michelle Trachtenberg to our board carries by unanimous assent!"
Comments
"They give me free drinks if I stay behind the lectern."
Posted by: Slide | April 10, 2006 8:43 AM
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. This year we lost our shirts. And our other clothing. And, though it's not immediately apparent due to our contorted postures, our pubic hair.
Posted by: Walt | April 10, 2006 9:02 AM
[This one's inevitable, might as well get it out of the way:]
"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your penis is a clip-on."
Posted by: Walt | April 10, 2006 9:16 AM
Apologies for our appearance. Next year we'll be careful not to schedule our annual report immediately following the Christmas Party.
Posted by: BrianVan | April 10, 2006 10:21 AM
In a moment we will turn the lights out. If the person or persons who replaced the "C" with "St" puts it back the way they found it there will be no questions asked.
Posted by: zebra | April 10, 2006 10:26 AM
We're here today to discuss changing our corporate logo to something other than a symbol for a fallout shelter.
Posted by: J Warner | April 10, 2006 10:34 AM
Let the minutes reflect that Mrs. Smithson has a nice rack for an older gal.
Posted by: J Warner | April 10, 2006 10:35 AM
Predicted real-life finalist:
"It's working, it's working, I'm not nervous anymore!... uh, wait a second..."
Radosh.net version:
"It's working, it's working, my erection is finally back - thank you all for indulging me."
Posted by: Vance | April 10, 2006 11:16 AM
"Oh, the *audience* is supposed to be naked? And we're only supposed to *picture* it? In that case, I'd like to apologize to the other board members."
Posted by: Francis | April 10, 2006 11:19 AM
"Good evening, stockholders of WebFriendly, Inc. As you know, we believe the best way to combat webbed-foot prejudice is to force the eye to focus on the rest of the body."
"I'm happy to report that our Nudity.com board members all managed to get here without being forced to put on clothing - all except Peterson, who was arrested on a Delta flight for public drunkenness."
Posted by: Vance | April 10, 2006 11:23 AM
What?
Posted by: Simon H | April 10, 2006 11:32 AM
"We asked our What To Wear This Very Second questions at 8:59:59, but nada from Emily."
Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | April 10, 2006 12:05 PM
We here at the new Enron would like to show the world that we have nothing to hide.
Posted by: Jason | April 10, 2006 12:07 PM
"Welcome to the storyboard for the trailer of 'Scary Movie 4.' Keep in mind for the final we'll be at the UN, I'll be Leslie Nielsen, and you'll all be naked, too."
"It's been a good year for Consolidated Merkin."
"Some of you may be wondering where my chair is."
"Does anybody have any questions? Keep in mind I've already explained why I look like Admiral Poindexter."
"What more do you people want?"
"Me remember debate team at Bizarro Hofstra Meniversity. Coach say, 'Imagine audience wear clothes, make you more nervous.'"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 10, 2006 12:20 PM
"I apologize for the signage. I had thought I was addressing people who owned shares in our company, but apparently you all simply hail from the capital of Sweden. My bad."
Posted by: Brian Sack | April 10, 2006 12:47 PM
As penance for our stock's wretched performance this year, I've tattooed the quarterly earnings chart on my chest and made the board strip and assemble into a flesh pyramid. So do I take this seriously? You betcha!
Posted by: Eustace T. | April 10, 2006 1:24 PM
"We wanted you to know that we have nothing to hide."
"How eerie... I dreamt about this last night."
"$20,000 from the woman in the front. Do I hear $25,000?"
"Does anyone else find it cold in here? Oh shit, I forgot to wear clothes today."
Posted by: Jesse Skinner | April 10, 2006 2:02 PM
"Welcome to the annual meeting. I'm Mr. Prospero, now let's take a look at the books."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:06 PM
"As you can see, despite their gargantuan feet, the men on our board have tiny -- nay, invisible -- penises."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:07 PM
"If you keep your eye on the dot in our logo, you'll get a delightful surprise! Unless you're expecting my penis to pop out of it. In which case, it will merely be delightful."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:08 PM
"We're pleased to announce that our contract to clothe the emperor has been renewed for another year."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:09 PM
"We'd especially like to welcome the camera crew from HBO's 'Real Sex'. Apparently, they heard that we were unappealing and naked, and that's like catnip for those people."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:11 PM
"This year, we had losses of $3 million, partially offset by the fee we're currently earning from Spencer Tunick."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:14 PM
"And the motion to add Michelle Trachtenberg to our board carries by unanimous assent!"
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:18 PM
"Excellent question. The chairs are vinyl, and can be cleaned with a damp sponge. Now, does anyone have any questions NOT about the nudity?"
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:23 PM
"Please. We prefer the term 'The Lifestyle'."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:30 PM
"Greetings. I'm Mr. Abercrombie. In a moment, you'll hear from my co-chair, Mr. Fitch."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:36 PM
"As you can see, I'm not just the president of the Pubic Hair Club for Men..."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 2:37 PM
"As you all recall, our empty suit of a CEO went on trial several weeks ago ..."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 10, 2006 3:30 PM
My body might be shriveled, but my cock is fucking HUGE.
Posted by: Mike | April 10, 2006 3:39 PM
"We're going to take a five minute break, as we all desperately need to pee."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 10, 2006 4:01 PM
"Smith thought we should go with the classic three-piece-and-parrot, while Jenkins was pushing for rabbit suits. We thought it was best to avoid the issue altogether."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 10, 2006 4:08 PM
"I feel that more emphasis should be placed on the value of our assets."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 10, 2006 4:14 PM
"In light of recent corporate governance scandals, the board has agreed to let shareholders cavity-search for hidden costs. Please, though, only one probe per proxy."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 10, 2006 4:24 PM
"Unfortunately, all the money we saved on dry cleaning bills was completely offset by the increase in our heating costs."
Posted by: Francis | April 10, 2006 4:45 PM
"Can I get one final volunteer?"
Posted by: Francis | April 10, 2006 4:47 PM
"Yes, we did exchange our clothes for beans, but only after we received assurances that they were, in fact, magic beans."
Posted by: Al in LA | April 10, 2006 5:46 PM
"Well, I guess one reason we're going public is to buy an 'L' key for our typewriter and avoid any more fiascos like this."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 10, 2006 6:01 PM
"If there are no further questions, let us commence with the Roman orgy!"
Posted by: Tim C | April 10, 2006 6:07 PM
"My name is Frank, and I'm an alcoholic."
Posted by: J | April 10, 2006 6:15 PM
“You, you’re the problem! All of you! It used to be about the pride of doing a good job, the comradery between co-workers, the satisfaction that came from providing quality goods and services at a fair price. We used to make something other than money, here, but now – now it’s all about profit margins and needless expansion and ‘meeting our numbers.’ Because we have to please you nitwits. There used to be something called ‘loyalty’ in this country. But you, you keep staring at those up-to-the-minute crawls, you keep your broker on speed-dial. You just want to know when it’s going to be the right time to cash out and jump on the Next Big Thing. You – all of you – you make me sick, and I’m going to walk right the hell out of here, just as soon as I’ve finished fucking this lectern.”
Posted by: J | April 10, 2006 6:34 PM
Man, is airport security a bitch!
Posted by: owen | April 11, 2006 3:39 AM
_Two_ women on the board of directors? That's ridiculous.
Posted by: Dan K. | April 11, 2006 11:36 AM
"We will proceed, as soon as the gentleman in the center of the front row remembers his manners and removes his hat." The North Koreans are making more attempts to screen the captions (fortunately, so far, ineffectively), so for cover I'll be preceding all future messages with a marginally humorous punchline. I am starting a tunnel, with the help of a fellow inmate we call Hart. He's been here for decades and his mental state is poor -- he's taken to raving about Creationism -- but I have no choice but to trust him.
Posted by: K1613 | April 11, 2006 12:55 PM
"This is the dawning of the age of some budget cuts, the age of needed budget cuuuuts! Budget cuuuuuuts! Budget cuts!"
Posted by: Josh Jacobson | April 11, 2006 6:11 PM
"...Mr. Lay has assured me we will get our clothes back, WITH interest, when he is acquited."
Posted by: Kenny_boy | April 11, 2006 7:18 PM
"Well, young man, I'll have you know that the view from up here isn't exactly pretty, either."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 11, 2006 11:14 PM
Some of you may have been hoping that we can reverse the current trends without major layoffs. But I'm not going to sugar-coat the situation. Actually, I'm out of sugar coating. We've been taking turns applying it to each other's nipples and licking it off.
Posted by: Walt | April 11, 2006 11:49 PM
"We may have appointed two women, but - as you can plainly see - we're still all white."
Posted by: Slide | April 12, 2006 1:45 AM
"Well, that was abominable."
Posted by: RichM | April 12, 2006 8:26 AM
To bare is human, to go public divine.
Posted by: Amy | April 12, 2006 1:37 PM
Let the fucking begin!!!
Posted by: Anonymous | April 12, 2006 1:51 PM
Our company is doing very poorly. Financially speaking.
Posted by: Worker #3116 | April 12, 2006 2:57 PM
Have any of you seen Basic Instinct? Ok...on three!
Posted by: Derek | April 12, 2006 3:31 PM
Insert through the circle inside the triangle inside the circle.
Posted by: Itak | April 12, 2006 3:33 PM
Yes, Andy is a mangina, but now to our first order of business.
Posted by: Horatio | April 12, 2006 3:34 PM
We all saw Police Academy 1 last night.
Posted by: Horatio | April 12, 2006 3:38 PM
I'm the CEO because I have the best tits.
Posted by: Zilch | April 12, 2006 3:39 PM
See, the problem is there are only two women on the board and I think we're all getting just a little tired of the reach arounds.
Posted by: Horatio | April 12, 2006 3:43 PM
One more question about our non gap earnings and I'll Tony Danza slap the taste right out of your mouth.
Posted by: Horatio | April 12, 2006 3:46 PM
If you think this is bad now, you should have seen what we did on those seats an hour ago.
Posted by: Horatio | April 12, 2006 3:50 PM
"Our clothes are still in the dryer."
"You will also note the absence of a chart on an easel."
Posted by: danny | April 13, 2006 8:49 AM
"Stockholders? More like COCK-holders!"
Posted by: Chris M | April 13, 2006 11:47 AM
"Look, We are not a bunch of grummpy middle-aged assholes, we're just drawn that way."
Posted by: Staten Island Al | April 13, 2006 1:39 PM
"They say to start with a joke. Are you familiar with one called 'The Aristocrats'?"
Posted by: CalFred | April 13, 2006 8:56 PM
"If the person who infected all our clothes with cholera will simply step forward, I promise there will be no repercussions."
Posted by: Francis | April 14, 2006 3:17 AM
"Fuck!"*
* Imperative not interjection
"Well, we've discovered a cure for AIDS that also prevents pregnancy, gives a heart-healthy 4 hour erection, and stimulates vaginal lubrication. We're calling it Ifuxetol."
"...and then the Federal Regulatiasaurus ate all our inventory and stomped all over our production facilities. So that's why we're 600 sticks down this quarter. But we're naked because we're incompetent."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 14, 2006 9:04 AM
For the crimes that our corporation committed on Earth, we have been sentenced by Satan to live out a scene from the Get Smart movie "The Nude Bomb" for eternity.
Posted by: toothychum | April 14, 2006 1:09 PM
Our company is doing so badly that we can't even afford clothes, yet were somehow able to arrange transportation here and rent out enough space to hold our shareholders.
Posted by: Tom | April 14, 2006 1:47 PM
"Permit me to make the following announcement.
The clothes we are missing are: three ladies suits; four gentlemens' suits . Three unisex bras and four pairs of womens' panties, three of them thong-style; one pair of men's boxers with bull-dogs printed on them; one pair of white fishnet hose and six pairs of men's socks; seven pairs of gender-neutral high-heeled boots , and one boy's hat. Two of us were not wearing underpants."
Posted by: david s. | April 14, 2006 6:37 PM
"Last night we went to a strip club."
"Welcome to the next phase in our Campaign for Real Beauty!"
"Our new credo is, 'If you can't find shoes, you must go nude.' So please find us shoes. Or turn off the air conditioning."
"Pardon my shlurred shpeech--The Johnshons are feeding my clothing and I got free drinksh for keeping my tray down. Hic!"
"I'm sure that many of you will be pleased to hear that, though we are still rich in assets, we are finally willing to discuss downsizing."
Posted by: David | April 15, 2006 11:11 AM
If my six esteemed colleagues refuse to masturbate, then so do I!
Posted by: Span | April 15, 2006 1:56 PM
As per keeping with the usual cultural prejudices, I would ask my fellow male board members to carefully conceal their genitals, whereas female board members are free to leave their nipples uncovered if they feel so inclined.
Posted by: Carl | April 16, 2006 7:29 AM
"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. You may think that we will soon be doing a demonstration of the new women's Viagra, but you would be wrong. Actually, we just had a brief gang rape.
Now: on with the presentation."
Posted by: Michael S in LA | April 16, 2006 4:32 PM
"Yes, I know, a paper clip or two is no big deal. But after a while, things add up! Therefore, to cut down on office theft..."
Posted by: F. MOnaco | April 17, 2006 12:39 PM
"First, the good news: We are entering the initial stage of Rapture."
Posted by: John Kane | May 1, 2006 8:42 AM
"And now, to punctuate the grotesqueness of tonight’s meeting, I am going to blow my bent and charred paddy whack."
Posted by: Rob | May 21, 2006 6:05 PM
"Rather than just simply tell you how our stocks did, this year we are going to perform a skit that I ,Mel Brooks, wrote entitled 'Bottoms up'."
Posted by: Robbo | May 21, 2006 6:07 PM
"These allegations of financial improprieties must be put to rest once and for all. As you can see, our Board of Directors has nothing to hide."
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 3:50 AM