The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #45

April 2, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #45

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

"At least now it's harder to accidentally step on one."

Winner:
"I think you'll find Professor Xavier's Vocational Academy for Moderately Intelligent Mutants to be both fascinating and yet oddly depressing." —Tim C.

Finalists:
"Well, has it ever occured to you that the walls might be sticking to them? Christ, think outside the box a little, will you?" —Tim C.

"This is one weird school. The walls and the ceiling don't line up." —Harry

Bonus finalists: This cartoon brought out the nerds in you. In addition to the winning entry, props to the following references:

"'A radioactive spider in every Happy Meal'? That was the stupidest movie promotion idea ever." —Francis

"Y'know, Gorda, back in The Second Ring of Power, when you and I and Pablito and Nestor got back together after Don Juan's disappearance and you and Rosa and all the girls were rolling around on the walls, it all seemed so exotic, so romantic. I'm starting to wonder, though, if we should ever have gotten married and had children." —Vance

"Y'know, I always wondered if the Ritalin we give hyperactive kids had any connection with the Rye-tal-yn that held the cloud city up in that old Star Trek episode. Oh, wait, Ryetalyn was the cure for Rigelian Fever, and the Cloud City stuff was Zenite. Christ, what a fucking geek I am." —Walt

"You fed them after midnight, didn't you? I told you not to do that." —J Warner

"I'm concerned about Ender. He killed a boy in the shower yesterday." —Matt Hutson

"Just run as fast as you can, straight into the wall." —Harry

Posted by Daniel Radosh

9:15 PM

Comments

So are there any fetus souls around you now?

Posted by: Anonymous | April 2, 2006 10:10 PM

"Actually, I don't think I understand the gravity of the situation either."

Posted by: Francis | April 2, 2006 10:22 PM

"'A radioactive spider in every Happy Meal'? That was the stupidest movie promotion idea ever."

Posted by: Francis | April 2, 2006 10:24 PM

This Korean family's parents were stereotypically bad drivers. Here they rest in purgatory with Lucifer lurking to steal their seouls at every opportunity!

Posted by: Major | April 2, 2006 10:24 PM

"Well, I was wrong. The latest generation of children have found a new way to rebel."

Posted by: Francis | April 2, 2006 10:31 PM

This school for gifted rats is infested with children.

Posted by: toothychum | April 2, 2006 10:46 PM

"They say you drive the children up the wall, Mrs. Gamp. I'd say it looks like they have a pretty good case."

Posted by: Lauren | April 2, 2006 10:47 PM

Pinch me. I want to wake up now.

Posted by: Trish | April 2, 2006 10:47 PM

"I wish I'd been better at pouring my derision upon their anti-gravity project."

Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | April 3, 2006 1:42 AM

Shit, I'm tripping balls here.

Posted by: Carl | April 3, 2006 2:13 AM

"Have you ever seen that trainspotting movie?"

"Isn't it weird how there's no kids on the floor?"

"This might be the wrong time to ask, but, will you marry me?"

"These statue children decorations are totally inappropriate for an abortion clinic."

"Honey? One of the kids pooped in your hair."

Posted by: Jesse Skinner | April 3, 2006 2:37 AM

"Great. First the doctor diagnoses you with ovarian cancer, and now this."

Posted by: Rokkitnite | April 3, 2006 8:58 AM

Ms. Jolie, I'm impressed you are willing to adopt a child from planet Offthewall. It truly IS a third world. Shove THAT in their faces.

Posted by: Amy | April 3, 2006 9:53 AM

Why in fuck's name do I always let you drag me to P.S. 1?

Posted by: dmr | April 3, 2006 10:24 AM

"Don't worry, they'll all be drafted soon."

"Really? I'm the opposite; I've always wanted to be a children's Larry King impersonator in space."

"I think you may have started them on Henry James too young, Miss Goodridge."

"Call maintenance and see if they can't do something about the gravity up here. It's probably just a short but if not tell them to reverse the polarity and reroute it through hydraulics, that usually does the trick."

"Well, if that freaks you out then you definitely shouldn't look in the basement."

"We're not really into rules here at Summerhill. We've suggested it to them but it's really up to the individual child to decide whether or not gravity is right for them. The sodomy, however, is strictly enforced."

Predicted Real Life Winner: "I'm sure it's all just in your giant, round, melon head."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 3, 2006 10:56 AM

Talk about irony! I was worried *they* would have *us* climbing the walls!

Posted by: hmmm | April 3, 2006 11:31 AM

Lean over. Tall one coming.

Posted by: Charles | April 3, 2006 11:37 AM

They scatter when you turn the lights on. We're having it taken care of. Can we talk dollars per square foot now?

Posted by: Charles | April 3, 2006 11:40 AM

Alas, it's harder to step on them now.

Posted by: Charles | April 3, 2006 11:40 AM

"Y'know, Gorda, back in The Second Ring of Power, when you and I and Pablito and Nestor got back together after Don Juan's disappearance and you and Rosa and all the girls were rolling around on the walls, it all seemed so exotic, so romantic. I'm starting to wonder, though, if we should ever have gotten married and had children."

Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2006 12:18 PM

"Of course I'm worried, but damn-it, it's lunchtime!"

Posted by: jake | April 3, 2006 12:24 PM

"You drank from the water cooler in the teacher's lounge, didn't you?"

Posted by: jake | April 3, 2006 12:25 PM

"Boy, that recreate-the-Escher-multiple-staircases-woodcut project really put this school on the map, didn't it? In hindsight, though, it probably would've been good to invest in some kind of antidote for the kids."

Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2006 12:29 PM

"Well, maybe if you'd learn to keep your legs closed every time a new alien craft lands in your cornfield, Miss Harrington, we wouldn't have this little problem."

Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2006 12:30 PM

"Ironically, I still have to wear these suspenders."

Posted by: J | April 3, 2006 12:40 PM

Y'know, I always wondered if the Ritalin we give hyperactive kids had any connection with the Rye-tal-yn that held the cloud city up in that old Star Trek episode. Oh, wait, Ryetalyn was the cure for Rigelian Fever, and the Cloud City stuff was Zenite. Christ, what a fucking geek I am.

Posted by: Walt | April 3, 2006 12:45 PM

"Hm? ... See what?"

Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2006 1:30 PM

"Christ, I hate kids."

Posted by: Francis | April 3, 2006 3:09 PM

You fed them after midnight, didn't you? I told you not to do that.

Posted by: J Warner | April 3, 2006 3:14 PM

"Yes, I suppose your idea for dealing with the lack of detention space was "innovative," Miss Perkins, but gluing their feet to the walls and ceiling... well, it's just creepy, that's all."

Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2006 3:51 PM

"Yes, Ms. Simms, what I am feeling when we are dancing on the ceiling. And indeed, what a feeling, it is, when we're dancing on the cei-ling."

"You say these events remind you of the works of Escher? No, no, I disagree. The essential element of Escher was the incompatible intersticing of perspectives. This is just self-indulgent bullshit."

"You know, it's really childish for you to keep blaming "Nobody" and "Not Me" from the Family Circus cartoons every time you pass gas. Haven't we universally determined that Family Circus is, like, the yardstick of mediocrity on all media, anyway?"

"The good news is that this is probably the last senior prank of the year. The bad news is that my Cabbage Patch collection is pretty much ruined and, well, you know I never got around to having kids. These things were...I know how odd it must seem, but they were like my children. They were a presence, you know? A reminder that there are children out there, somewhere. And while I was principal to thousands of children during my career, only these little plastic things...Brianna, Scotty, Millie Jo...only these, were truly my children. Make love to me, Ms. Saperstein."

"And over here in Room 124, giant ants are eating the still-screaming head of your mother."

Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 3, 2006 4:10 PM

"Do these pants make me look squishy?"

Posted by: Francis | April 3, 2006 5:15 PM

Never mind the fetuses, I think it's a lot odder that I'm a dead ring for Larry Gelbart, as well as that guy on The Sopranos, the one whose name nobody no one remembers.

Posted by: gray nickson | April 3, 2006 5:57 PM

SAY, WHAT KIND OF MUSHROOMS WERE ON THAT PIZZA ANYWAYS???????

Posted by: Jim Treacher | April 3, 2006 8:02 PM

Gosh Laurie, childhood obesity is just getting out of hand.

Posted by: Harry | April 3, 2006 9:22 PM

"Bless the children,
Keep them from harm.
Give your protection
Within your strong arm.
Send your defenders
In their behalf
Let little ones always
Be able to laugh.
May those who care for them
Do so with joy.
The happiest childhood
For each girl and boy.
Our most precious treasure
Deserves all our love.
God bless the children
And watch from above."

Posted by: dave s | April 3, 2006 9:22 PM

This is one weird school. The walls and the ceiling don't line up.

Posted by: Harry | April 3, 2006 9:26 PM

We can't go on blindly ignoring our school's growing drug and alcoho— i mean, gravity problems.

Posted by: Harry | April 3, 2006 9:34 PM

I'm concerned about Ender. He killed a boy in the shower yesterday.

Posted by: Matt Hutson | April 4, 2006 12:01 AM

"Well, this is impressive, Miss Mills. When you told me your students literally worshipped the ground you walk on, I assumed you just meant you were having sex with one of them."

Posted by: Vance | April 4, 2006 1:54 AM

"Look, during your interview I explained that our pupils were 'gecko' children, not 'ghetto' children. Are you hard of hearing? Which reminds me....if you have wet, sticky ear wax, you might want to check for eggs."

Posted by: david s | April 4, 2006 8:34 AM

The Big THREE:

"You'll be given a stipend of $25 for your participation in this experiment. Which reminds me; do your pockets button?"

"Don't worry about that. It wears off during puberty."

"We've maxed out class sizes to 340 per period per teacher. The suction-cup shoes are a part of the required school uniform. Until the new York State Legislature figures out a way to meet the court-ordered mandate to improve education in the City, this is what we're dealing with."

Posted by: Josh | April 4, 2006 10:50 AM

Where the hell is room 123?

Posted by: Jared | April 4, 2006 1:01 PM

"I yelled at them for walking on the floor right after it was mopped and now ther're being sarcastic little asssholes about it."

Posted by: Al in LA | April 4, 2006 1:18 PM

I look at it this way...what goes up, must go down...on me, I might add.

Posted by: Amy | April 4, 2006 1:30 PM

"They're the disturbed souls of those students mowed down in our school's deadliest shooting. You may have heard about it on the news."

Posted by: Christine | April 4, 2006 8:24 PM

"Ninjas? What ninjas?"

Posted by: RichM | April 5, 2006 7:22 AM

"...and we've found it affords all kinds of opportunities for creating new sex positions. Not with the children, of course."

Posted by: Francis | April 5, 2006 11:32 AM

Well, you know, kids do like to eat paste.

Posted by: zilch | April 5, 2006 2:00 PM

Consider yourself lucky -- the last school I taught at didn't even have a floor.

Posted by: 99 | April 5, 2006 2:29 PM

It's been this way ever since they started requiring us to teach gravity as "just a theory."

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:34 AM

Since you're completely distracted by all the sticky children, now seems like a good time to tell you that I once finger-fucked Eustace Tilley.

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:37 AM

I'm so fucking sick of the Whitney Biennial.

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:38 AM

It gets even worse -- yesterday, I caught one of them going across the down staircase.

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:39 AM

Well, has it ever occured to you that the walls might be sticking to them? Christ, think outside the box a little, will you?

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:42 AM

"I think you'll find Professor Xavier's Vocational Academy for Moderately Intelligent Mutants to be both fascinating and yet oddly depressing."

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:54 AM

"Ever since the district forbade us from having the children go down, we haven't taken any chances."

Posted by: Tim C. | April 6, 2006 1:55 AM

Is it the drugs, or are there cake pans on the ceiling?

Posted by: simsburybear | April 6, 2006 8:30 AM

I guess we're all looking for rooms 120-123....

Posted by: anonymous | April 6, 2006 10:40 AM

"Or maybe *we're* walking on the ceiling, and what we think is the ceiling is actually the floor! Did I just blow your mind?"

Posted by: Francis | April 6, 2006 11:45 AM

If any of my previous caption messages have gotten through, you'll know that I've been attempting to determine the location of the secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility at which I'm being held prisoner. By means of a homemade compass I've been able to take bearings on the few landmarks in view. There is a metal framweork tower, most likely a transmission antenna, about two miles distant, bearing about 48 degrees east of magnetic north. It has a light at the top that flashes white-blue-white every three seconds at night. And bearing about 190 degrees (a bit west of south) is the summit of a low mountain, about six miles distant, with a large concrete structure four fifths of the way up. No other landmarks can be seen due to dense surrounding vegetation. I hope this information will help someone, anyone, to find and liberate this place.

Posted by: K1613 | April 6, 2006 5:26 PM

It's the latest educational assessment method - throw them against the wall and if they stick, they're done.

Posted by: simsburybear | April 6, 2006 5:47 PM

"I'm goin back to coffee. Coffee. Coffee. I'm goin back to coffee. Hmm, apologies to LL Cool J."

Posted by: Matt Hutson | April 6, 2006 9:57 PM

Look, you aborted them, you deal with it.

Posted by: gray nickson | April 7, 2006 12:22 PM

'Nontraditional gravitational orientation' my ass. When they wet themselves, their urine still knows which way is down, if you get my drift.

Posted by: Walt | April 7, 2006 1:59 PM

"You might be right. Perhaps I *am* leaning a little too far to the right."

Posted by: Rubrick | April 7, 2006 4:42 PM

"I'd kill for a spatula right now."

Posted by: wasoe | April 7, 2006 5:01 PM

"That does it. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm firing Lionel Ritchie."

Posted by: Ben | April 7, 2006 5:21 PM

"Thank you for agreeing to take my case, Ms. Rademacher. As you can see, the scientists gave all the children anti-gravity feet, but replaced mine with hooves. It's blatant age discrimination."

Posted by: Rubrick | April 7, 2006 6:07 PM

"I thought you meant it as a good thing when you said I smelled like cabbage."

Posted by: sir bogus | April 8, 2006 9:45 AM

"They've all acted this way anytime they come around a creapy entertainer, Larry King, especially after their trip to NeverLand Ranch."

Posted by: sir bogus | April 8, 2006 9:47 AM

"Is that a used condom in your hand?"
"Yes."
"Can I borrow it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."

Posted by: sir bogus | April 8, 2006 9:49 AM

"No matter what you see here, don't loose your sense of perspective."

"That's right: $100,000 down, then $10,000 per month to keep you off Page Six. And no one will know except the two of us!"

Posted by: David | April 8, 2006 10:23 AM

"I think we should switch to pro-choice"

Posted by: pukebot | April 9, 2006 12:00 AM

"...so we used your eggs to create all of these cloned children. Good news, they can walk on ceilings and walls. Bad news, they only live to age five."

Posted by: pukebot | April 9, 2006 12:40 AM

"velcro"

Posted by: pukebot | April 9, 2006 12:41 AM

"wanna fuck?"

Posted by: pukebot | April 9, 2006 12:46 AM

"your perfectly round head seems to be warping space and time."

Posted by: pukebot | April 9, 2006 12:55 AM

Well, our physics department isn't very good...

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:19 PM

"What if WE are actually on THEIR ceiling?"
"George, please. If we were on their ceiling then how do you explain the kids on the walls?"
"Sorry."
"I have Herpes."

Posted by: Chris | April 9, 2006 6:22 PM

Obviously it's because each of these doors leads to separate parallel universes.

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:22 PM

Don't you see? It's all part of the great plan to eliminate flooring costs from our failing budget.

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:24 PM

Just run as fast as you can, straight into the wall.

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:27 PM

Now this is the east wing of the school. No one EVER goes here.

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:29 PM

I told them that for, extra credit, they have to disprove gravity. I meant for them to research Einstein.

Posted by: Harry | April 9, 2006 6:32 PM

Oops, comma weirdness. There was some typo in that one.