March 26, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #44

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Getting the ball rolling:

"It's a good thing we brought a mime. I've gone permanently deaf from the non-stop barrage of mortar fire."

"You know, Pat Tillman was partnered with a mime too."

"Is this really a good idea for a cartoon, given the ongoing carnage in Iraq? Perhaps Alex Gregory should stick to producing King of the Hill. That show is funny."

Results after the jump.

"Do you see any mimes? I mean, besides the one to your immediate left?" —Span

"I don't think I understand the art of mime. Like, why did he just jump out and draw six assholes on that wall?" —Vance

"This war is pointless and I'm probably going to die for nothing other than George Bush's oil-inflected whim. But at least I'm not a mime. Sorry, Steve, nothing personal." —TG Gibbon

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Wait a minute ... I thought you asked those Israelis for water."

"The true horror of war is that, for years to come, innocent civilians, among them little boys and girls, will fall victim to the mimefield."

"Well, Private -- you go to war with the army you have, not the army you wished you had."

"I think we were supposed to bring a mine, not a mime. Mimes don't blow people up."

"It's a good thing we finally convinced the French to come help us in Iraq."

I just thought we could use a little silence.

"Boy, he's really earning his stripes."

"He seems to be at a loss for words"

"I don't really exist. It only seems like I do because this mime is so incredibly skilled at evoking a fully fleshed-out scene with only the smallest of gestures."

"Jean-Michel, I know I'm not supposed to ask and you're not supposed to tell, but..."

"Crap, I think we just killed five more civilians. We better send out our 'goodwill ambassador' again to cheer their families up."

i told you we shouldnt have let the french train the iraqi national army.

Careful. Looks like we're in a mime field.

I thought the land mimes at bootcamp looked way scarier.

Tell that idiot to mime his own business.

Mime keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin...into the future.

So mime travel really IS possible!

Yours, Mime and Ours.

I've always wanted to shoot a mime in the back.

Oh yeah...and tell Marcel to keep his damn mouth SHUT!

His grandfather was a hero in the Ed Sullivan War.

"They call him 'silent killer'...because he has chronic clinical depression."

"What is it, boy? There's trouble? Over at the front line? You want us to follow you?"


"This is a time when our country has asked us all to provide extraordinary services in the name of patriotism."

"Alright, Gary, remember the plan...We'll cover you while you leap into the clearing and convince the Krauts that we're, like, fifty guys."

"Clowns in coutrooms, mimes on the battlefield - see, things really are lightening up!"

"I just saw my best friend get his head blown off. I'm going to be sick."

"Well? WELL? Does she still have her panties on or not? Come on, don't bogart those binoculars!"

"I don't think I understand the art of mime. Like, why did he just jump out and draw six assholes on that wall?"

"Well, this is certainly a funny situation. But not 'ha ha' funny. No, indeed."

"Wow, they really don't like mimes."

"He wants revenge for what they did to Mummenschanz."

"It's always the outcasts who collaborate, Skip. Apparently under Saddam his people were ruthlessly mocked."

"This war is pointless and I'm probably going to die for nothing other than George Bush's oil-inflected whim. But at least I'm not a mime. Sorry, Steve, nothing personal."

"Hey, Froot Loop, pass me a clip, would ya."

"Do you see them? He says they're holed up in the basement of that bombed-out clown college."

"I don't know, Sar'n't, I just prefer improv is all."

"I'm real scared, Cap. Mr. Reese will totally kill us if he finds out we spied on Alpha Company's talent show rehearsal."

He's quiet now, but once the shell-shock sets in he'll be yapping like a talk-show host.

Okay -- we're you really just shot in the knee or are you just pulling our chain again?

"mimes don't blow people up, people blow people up"

"So, we beg for protective armor, and they send us a protective 'armer'...?!"

"I hear he does a great flying limbs bit."

"Ugghhhhhh... when they called him 'Silent but Deadly' I thought they meant his combat skills..."

"muh-muh-muh-muh-mime sharona."

"All quiet on the Mideastern front."

"Can you just see the headlines back home? 'Local Marines artfully gestured to safety by gay French mime'."

"He wants us to move out and then rendezvous at the base of the invisible glass wall."

"I hope this wall we're hiding behind is real."

As I've toiled in captivity here at this secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility, I've often wondered where the drawings come from, and why the people making the drawings aren't doing their own captioning. A few days ago, I was able to find out the answers to both questions. I've agreed not to reveal that information nor the means by which I obtained it, for the protection of all concerned. But I must say two things about the artists and their present situation: one, I can now perfectly understand why their drawings subtly but consistently exhibit a profound contempt for all humankind; and two, any sympathy directed at my own plight is, by comparison, misplaced.


"To a reader of Reisman’s scholarly papers, it sometimes appears that there is little for which she does not hold Kinsey responsible. In her research on gays, for instance, she has written that the 'recruitment techniques' of homosexuals rival those of the Marine Corps."

"Jesus, Sawyer, would you learn to share? You either get to ass-rape the mime or play with the binoculars. Not both."

"I'm not sure. Marceau, could you show us 'Awe,' again?"

"At least he'll die quietly."

I always think of 'Ride of the Valkryes' when I hear helicopters in the distance... what music do you think of Marcel? Oh, no, no, forget I asked, I'm not playing charades with you again!

"Anybody need anything from the seven-eleven?"

"I dunno, he didn't say."

"I think the guy who does our camouflage might be a double agent."

"Farting is the mime's version of shitting in one's pants."

"It's like the President said... amidst all this destruction, a new democracy is beginning to bloom, like those six flowers sprouting from the other side of this wall."

"I've read that if you raise a kitten in an environment consisting only of horizontal stripes, it'll be unable to discern verticals for the rest of its life."

"He has the far-seeing eyes of the Elvenkind."

He's the best semaphore man we've got.

We should watch out, because we might die in a car bomb explosion.

If only mimes were useful...

No, dude, he's not a french mime, he's a freedom mime.

Can i borrow your binoculars? They only gave me a mime.

"Crap...they've got mimes too."

"For some reason, I have a sudden craving for duck soup."

Cut the mime some slack, Private. That's an order. He's the only thing keeping this scene from being tragically commonplace.

Blah blah Western culture.

Do we really think we can win this war, or are we just going through the motions? Oh, wait, a member of our squad is a mime. I guess that answers that question.


check out somethingawful's pretentious video games. there's even one for 'Create your own New Yorker cartoons.

"Oh sure, 'Let me use the binoculars, I'll find that enemy tank! I know it's over there somewhere...' Well, you're in for a rude awakening, pal. Also: Complete obliteration."

Stay away from the mimes!
They hate the mimes!

"Beret. Minaret. Sortie. Mêlée. Bivouac."

Soldier A: "Hee haw hee haw! Looks like zis calls for a touch of stereotypical gallic charm, mon ami!"
Soldier C: "Shut the fuck up, Lorenz. I'm the one wearing the mime outfit, so if it were appropriate for one of us to be doing a crude impersonation of a Frenchman - which it's not - then I'd be the one to do it."
Soldier A: "I'm having an affair with your wife."

Being white. I'm realizing what it means.. It means we'll trust our lives to a mime.


"Don't cry, Jean-Jacques, I think I see your bicycle, though the insurgents appear to have stolen the baguette from its basket."

He says Brechtfast is the most important meal of the day.

I'm so glad that there are these minarets behind us because if there weren't, then you know, this could be any generic war that we were fighting. Instead the mosque and the minarets clearly show that this is a war in the middle east and therefore a biting and satirical comment on the United State's and specifically the Bush Administration's handling of the Iraq war is needed, preferably involving this damn mime.

Yea, his building the wall one is good but I think his torturing an Iraqi civilian is by far the best.

I'm glad I wasn't there. My mom said it took the government almost a week after the hurricane before any mimes entered the city at all!

Sure, his combat skills aren't that impressive. But you should see him do an imaginary sand storm.

"All right, have it your way - you heard a mime bark."

Frankly, I think the makeup artist on the FX series 'Black.White.' could have made it a little less obvious.

"God! Please help! These empty beer cans have adhered to the surface of my eyes! Ack... I'm blind! This is just great... I can't see, LaCroix is a mute... What next? Johnson? Are you even listening to me? Have you heard a single word I've... Johnson? Oh crap."

Do you see any mimes? I mean, besides the one to your immediate left?

"War is not funny"

"War is funny"

Funny is war, plus time.

"You're right, I take it all back. This isn't a civil war - it's performance art."

"No, Jacques, you misheard me. I said memes were lame. Memes."

"Aw, crap. I just found out that Rumsfeld said we have to use the general-issue mimes, not this high-quality private-sector mime we bought on the Internet."

"Is their mime laying out phantom IEDs again?"

"Don't cry, Frenchy. We'll get you to that U.S.O. show!"

(Sniff...sniff...gag.) "Now I know why 'silent but deadly' is your nickname. Please remember to face the enemy, Pierre, when you do that. Because if it happens again, I won't consider it a misfire." (with apologies to Vance, who got there first)

What's he doing here?!?

"Personally, Lieutenant, I think our Government's initial policy of deliberately alienating our traditional allies in Old Europe and fighting this war ourselves may, in retrospect, have been the right one."

"I'm going to contact Stores and see if they can send us down a more recent edition of the CIA Unconventional Warfare textbook. I think this 1958 one might be a little out-of-date."

Remember when every squad used to have a guy from Brooklyn?

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to my right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

"Hey, check it out! Those two camels are doing it!"

"You know, in this chaotic hellhole they call a battlefield you're the only sane person I can connect with. I love you, Hank. I love you...and the funky way you decorate your conjoined fetus!"

"It's about time France actually supplied some troops!"

maybe if I weren't put in the belly of an al queda ( whale in your fundamentalist aramaic) to begin with...

and I meant metaphorically, I mean by a mental illness I cannot enlist , some of us guys can't handle it , so in a proverbial belly of a whale, NOT in league with your enemies sort of way!

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