March 6, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #41

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"I told you nobody comes to Limelight anymore."

Results after the jump

"Hey! I thought this was a church! But it's not! It's in fact a bar!" —John

"Hey buddy! About the sign outside...It should be J-E-S-U-S-apostrophe, no final 'S.' The rule is different for ancient names." —Trout Almondine

"Let he who is without sin be the first stoned." —David Winger

Posted by Daniel Radosh


He's not "bathing in the light of God's love," Joan. Those are God's laser lights, and he's being cooked from the inside out. Because he's gay.

"Yes, I've heard that old saying 'Everybody has to believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink,' but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to try to create a church out of it."

"What do you mean 'Where's the bartender?' There's Jesus right behind the bar! Can't you see him, you heathen bitch?"

"I told you we should have gotten here before the rapture."


"You call this a communion? Where the hell is the Absolut Citron?"

"Gimme the usual, Padre. God I love being an Episcopalian!"

"I'm glad 'Crash' won best picture because I learned that racism is bad."

There is no god.

"I told you installing a bar wouldn't increase church attendance if we didn't hire some strippers as well."

"No one was injured when that giant fork fell over. That's good."

"I'll just have one beer before my quail-hunting trip!!!"

"What the fuck!!??... What happened to the hardware store?"

"See, I told you it wasn't too churchy."

"Hey, Mac, my car broke down. Got an aspergillum I could borrow?" [Alternatively: "Hey, Buddy, mind if my old lady shits in your narthex?"]

"I _played_ for Notre Dame!"*

"Quick! I'm Robert McNamara, where's the confessional?"

"You fruits are sitting too close together."

"Unbelievable! I really have to hand it to you, Steve, I was only gone ten minutes and already you've managed to put up stained-glass windows in my perfectly good bar. Partners means we talk about things like this. Together. By the way, I picked up your mother at the train station. I'm going to go work out. I'll be back in two hours and all this Martha Stewart crap better be out of here. Sorry for the harsh language, Mother Simkins, but...oh you just ask your precious little son why I'm so upset."

*This caption was already used by the NYer 50 or so years ago.

"Wow, Ho West looks like a completely different place now that they got rid of all the minotaurs."

That's it, we're leaving -- you may be able to turn water into wine, but you can't mix a martini for shit!

Okay, the BIG THREE:

"Yeah, it was deconsecrated a few years ago. But if you listen really closely, you can still hear the screams of molested little boys."

"They make a mean Bloody Mary here, if you're into that. I tend toward the Blood of Christ body shots, but not at lunch. Quick, let's grab that open pew."

"What do you want, Ethel? It's the Great Depression! I don't call it sacreligious, I call it entrepreneurial!"

"All right, nobody leave this room! I'm afraid there's been a murder. That's right, a... Hmmm? Oh, her. Yes, it's take-your-mother-to-work day, so what? Don't try to bamboozle me with your questions, you drunken vermin."

"I'm T.S. Eliot, and you're all under arrest."

"See, Gladys, what'd I tell you? It's just as hard -- if not harder -- in here for a pimp."

"Blah blah blah intelligent design."

Praise Jesus, it's a bar!

Excuse me, but does this church-themed bar have a restroom?

Hey! I thought this was a church! But it's not! It's in fact a bar!

This should make it easier for the father to pick up young boys.

"They make a great 'Jesus Juice' here. It's box wine in a Diet Coke can with a twist of rohypnol."

"Hmm... something wrong here."

"Well, Mother, you were right again, we have died and gone to Heaven."

"You take the guy in the back, I'll take this one out. Then, I'll go back up the truck, we'll fill it and head out of state."

"Listen up, boys. This hot piece of meat will only run you $20 for a blow job. We'll be out in the parking lot if you're interested."

Well, dear, they told us to wait in here, so let's just have a drink. I'm sure they'll let us into Heaven soon enough. I wonder if those two gentlemen were also killed in car accidents.

Well you go get yourself saved or whatever...I'm going to have a few belts.

Seems this new Pope had some crossover ideas.

"Man, is this place deserted! ...Oh, right, they're all at home watching the game."

"I never would have thought it, but outside the context of a church, stained-glass windows are kind of faggy."

"All right, nobody move. This is a bust. In case you were unaware, it's illegal to run a carnival ring-toss game in a church."

Dear GOD where's the bartender!?

Stop me if you've heard this one: 'A priest walks into a bar...'

God dammit. I specifically told the contractor to install pews, not booze. And I even asked him if he understood. I said: 'Pews, NOT booze right?' And he nodded as if he got it. That bastard.

Oh jeez...they replaced the wafers with beer nuts again.

Oh, so I guess the text message from Sam to meet him in the 'tavernacle' wasn't a typo after all.

"Two God Lites for me and the missus."

"So THIS is what my tithe hath wrought? A gay bar for coal miners? Is this what the priest meant by 'first fruits?'"

"Well, isn't this funny!"

I told you this was an Irish Catholic church.

Oh, so I guess the text message from Sam to meet him in the 'church bar' wasn't a typo after all.

Look it, honey. Dickweed got stains on his shirt. We're leaving.

New Pope, new rules--I guess.

Well when it was a "real" church they didn't even get two people.

"Of all the gin joints in all the churches in the world..."

Good GOD, he hasn't a lower half!

The doors are crooked and the wallpaper sucks. Let's get out here.

The guards have found out that my last few captions weren't funny. I've been beaten and my rations reduced. Also, they're now making me caption the drawings with the least humorous potential. I don't think I can last much longer. For the love of God, please get me out of here.

Honey, you might not think to look at him, but that man there once said the Hail Mary with 86 unshelled peanuts in his mouth -- that's a record. And, hung like a horse.

I know it doesn't look like much now, Martha, but you should see it on the 17th... the fucking drunken Catholic clowns.

Hey buddy! About the sign outside...It should be J-E-S-U-S-apostrophe, no final 'S.' The rule is different for ancient names.

"Pabst-tize" me!

"I'm just here for the service." "Forget it--it stinks."

So... do you think they serve Manischevitz?

"Isn't that Muhammad sitting at the end of the bar?"

"Harumph! Is there no end to Communion reform?"

The chruch landed on top of the bar during Katrina, and they kept it this way. Laissez les bon temps roulez!

"Grab a bottle...it makes confessional a lot eassier!"

(Correction) "Grab a bottle...it makes confessional a lot easier."

"Welcome to the Church of De-Vine Intervention."

"Behold the Spirits of Saint Louis!"

"Let he who is without sin be the first stoned."

"Look, Ma. It's Tom and Ray --the Bar Guys!"

Barukh atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melekh ha-olam, borei píree Heineken.

"Those Irish Catholics, you gotta love 'em!"

"Get lost, woman! I'm on a mission from God!"

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