The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #41

March 6, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #41

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.

"I told you nobody comes to Limelight anymore."

Results after the jump

Winner:
"Hey! I thought this was a church! But it's not! It's in fact a bar!" —John

Finalists:
"Hey buddy! About the sign outside...It should be J-E-S-U-S-apostrophe, no final 'S.' The rule is different for ancient names." —Trout Almondine

"Let he who is without sin be the first stoned." —David Winger

Posted by Daniel Radosh

10:03 AM

Comments

He's not "bathing in the light of God's love," Joan. Those are God's laser lights, and he's being cooked from the inside out. Because he's gay.

Posted by: j-ha | March 6, 2006 10:42 AM

"Yes, I've heard that old saying 'Everybody has to believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink,' but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to try to create a church out of it."

"What do you mean 'Where's the bartender?' There's Jesus right behind the bar! Can't you see him, you heathen bitch?"

"I told you we should have gotten here before the rapture."

Posted by: Jesse | March 6, 2006 11:17 AM

"Norm!!"

Posted by: Dashiell | March 6, 2006 11:23 AM

"You call this a communion? Where the hell is the Absolut Citron?"

Posted by: Francis | March 6, 2006 11:30 AM

"Gimme the usual, Padre. God I love being an Episcopalian!"

Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 6, 2006 11:46 AM

"I'm glad 'Crash' won best picture because I learned that racism is bad."

There is no god.

Posted by: michael | March 6, 2006 12:12 PM

"I told you installing a bar wouldn't increase church attendance if we didn't hire some strippers as well."

Posted by: Francis | March 6, 2006 12:37 PM

"No one was injured when that giant fork fell over. That's good."

Posted by: david s | March 6, 2006 12:41 PM

"I'll just have one beer before my quail-hunting trip!!!"

Posted by: Jim Treacher | March 6, 2006 1:20 PM

"What the fuck!!??... What happened to the hardware store?"

Posted by: Vance | March 6, 2006 1:27 PM

"See, I told you it wasn't too churchy."

"Hey, Mac, my car broke down. Got an aspergillum I could borrow?" [Alternatively: "Hey, Buddy, mind if my old lady shits in your narthex?"]

"I _played_ for Notre Dame!"*

"Quick! I'm Robert McNamara, where's the confessional?"

"You fruits are sitting too close together."

"Unbelievable! I really have to hand it to you, Steve, I was only gone ten minutes and already you've managed to put up stained-glass windows in my perfectly good bar. Partners means we talk about things like this. Together. By the way, I picked up your mother at the train station. I'm going to go work out. I'll be back in two hours and all this Martha Stewart crap better be out of here. Sorry for the harsh language, Mother Simkins, but...oh you just ask your precious little son why I'm so upset."

*This caption was already used by the NYer 50 or so years ago.

Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 6, 2006 1:28 PM

"Wow, Ho West looks like a completely different place now that they got rid of all the minotaurs."

Posted by: Vance | March 6, 2006 1:28 PM

That's it, we're leaving -- you may be able to turn water into wine, but you can't mix a martini for shit!

Posted by: Patrick Broderick | March 6, 2006 3:23 PM

Okay, the BIG THREE:

"Yeah, it was deconsecrated a few years ago. But if you listen really closely, you can still hear the screams of molested little boys."

"They make a mean Bloody Mary here, if you're into that. I tend toward the Blood of Christ body shots, but not at lunch. Quick, let's grab that open pew."

"What do you want, Ethel? It's the Great Depression! I don't call it sacreligious, I call it entrepreneurial!"

Posted by: Josh | March 6, 2006 3:53 PM

"All right, nobody leave this room! I'm afraid there's been a murder. That's right, a... Hmmm? Oh, her. Yes, it's take-your-mother-to-work day, so what? Don't try to bamboozle me with your questions, you drunken vermin."

Posted by: Vance | March 6, 2006 5:51 PM

"I'm T.S. Eliot, and you're all under arrest."

Posted by: Francis | March 6, 2006 5:53 PM

"See, Gladys, what'd I tell you? It's just as hard -- if not harder -- in here for a pimp."

Posted by: J | March 6, 2006 5:54 PM

"Blah blah blah intelligent design."

Posted by: RichM | March 6, 2006 6:08 PM

Praise Jesus, it's a bar!

Posted by: Harry | March 6, 2006 8:13 PM

Excuse me, but does this church-themed bar have a restroom?

Posted by: Span | March 6, 2006 8:51 PM

Hey! I thought this was a church! But it's not! It's in fact a bar!

Posted by: John | March 7, 2006 3:09 AM

This should make it easier for the father to pick up young boys.

Posted by: Brian | March 7, 2006 7:23 AM

"They make a great 'Jesus Juice' here. It's box wine in a Diet Coke can with a twist of rohypnol."

Posted by: Jason | March 7, 2006 9:53 AM

"Hmm... something wrong here."

Posted by: jdt | March 7, 2006 11:52 AM

"Well, Mother, you were right again, we have died and gone to Heaven."

Posted by: jacob Freydont-Attie | March 7, 2006 12:25 PM

"You take the guy in the back, I'll take this one out. Then, I'll go back up the truck, we'll fill it and head out of state."

Posted by: Jesse Skinner | March 7, 2006 12:34 PM

"Listen up, boys. This hot piece of meat will only run you $20 for a blow job. We'll be out in the parking lot if you're interested."

Posted by: Jesse Skinner | March 7, 2006 12:38 PM

Well, dear, they told us to wait in here, so let's just have a drink. I'm sure they'll let us into Heaven soon enough. I wonder if those two gentlemen were also killed in car accidents.

Posted by: KG | March 7, 2006 2:45 PM

Well you go get yourself saved or whatever...I'm going to have a few belts.

Posted by: Al J Stewart | March 7, 2006 4:20 PM

Seems this new Pope had some crossover ideas.

Posted by: Al J. Stewart | March 7, 2006 4:55 PM

"Man, is this place deserted! ...Oh, right, they're all at home watching the game."

Posted by: Vance | March 7, 2006 5:40 PM

"I never would have thought it, but outside the context of a church, stained-glass windows are kind of faggy."

Posted by: Francis | March 7, 2006 6:02 PM

"All right, nobody move. This is a bust. In case you were unaware, it's illegal to run a carnival ring-toss game in a church."

Posted by: Rubrick | March 7, 2006 8:44 PM

Dear GOD where's the bartender!?

Posted by: Ben Sherman | March 8, 2006 12:49 AM

Stop me if you've heard this one: 'A priest walks into a bar...'

Posted by: Walt | March 8, 2006 1:12 AM

God dammit. I specifically told the contractor to install pews, not booze. And I even asked him if he understood. I said: 'Pews, NOT booze right?' And he nodded as if he got it. That bastard.

Posted by: Amy | March 8, 2006 8:29 AM

Oh jeez...they replaced the wafers with beer nuts again.

Posted by: Amy | March 8, 2006 8:37 AM

Oh, so I guess the text message from Sam to meet him in the 'tavernacle' wasn't a typo after all.

Posted by: Walt | March 8, 2006 10:19 AM

"Two God Lites for me and the missus."

Posted by: wasoe | March 8, 2006 10:36 AM

"So THIS is what my tithe hath wrought? A gay bar for coal miners? Is this what the priest meant by 'first fruits?'"

Posted by: Josh | March 8, 2006 11:14 AM

"Well, isn't this funny!"

Posted by: jdt | March 8, 2006 11:57 AM

I told you this was an Irish Catholic church.

Posted by: j-ha | March 8, 2006 2:32 PM

Oh, so I guess the text message from Sam to meet him in the 'church bar' wasn't a typo after all.

Posted by: j-ha | March 8, 2006 2:42 PM

Look it, honey. Dickweed got stains on his shirt. We're leaving.

Posted by: neb | March 9, 2006 10:58 AM

New Pope, new rules--I guess.

Posted by: al in la | March 9, 2006 12:48 PM

Well when it was a "real" church they didn't even get two people.

Posted by: Funny how? How the fuck am I so funny? | March 9, 2006 12:50 PM

"Of all the gin joints in all the churches in the world..."

Posted by: Slide | March 9, 2006 7:45 PM

Good GOD, he hasn't a lower half!

Posted by: Ben | March 9, 2006 8:59 PM

The doors are crooked and the wallpaper sucks. Let's get out here.

Posted by: Ben | March 9, 2006 9:01 PM

The guards have found out that my last few captions weren't funny. I've been beaten and my rations reduced. Also, they're now making me caption the drawings with the least humorous potential. I don't think I can last much longer. For the love of God, please get me out of here.

Posted by: K1613 | March 9, 2006 10:00 PM

Honey, you might not think to look at him, but that man there once said the Hail Mary with 86 unshelled peanuts in his mouth -- that's a record. And, hung like a horse.

Posted by: neb | March 10, 2006 10:42 AM

I know it doesn't look like much now, Martha, but you should see it on the 17th... the fucking drunken Catholic clowns.

Posted by: Omega | March 10, 2006 3:33 PM

Hey buddy! About the sign outside...It should be J-E-S-U-S-apostrophe, no final 'S.' The rule is different for ancient names.

"Pabst-tize" me!

"I'm just here for the service." "Forget it--it stinks."

Posted by: Trout Almondine | March 10, 2006 6:38 PM

So... do you think they serve Manischevitz?

Posted by: 99 | March 11, 2006 7:07 PM

"Isn't that Muhammad sitting at the end of the bar?"

Posted by: lawyerbitesjudge | March 12, 2006 10:49 AM

"Harumph! Is there no end to Communion reform?"