February 20, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #39

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"Airline seats today are so cramped that I need to remove my clothes to enjoy an extra 1/100th of an inch of space."

"Of course I'm wearing pants. That would be gross."

"Oh yeah, well the woman behind me has no face."

Results after the jump

"I lost my shirt in the market, but I took my pants off because my nuts were sweaty." —ben

"Trust me, when the killing starts you'll wish you were naked, too." —TG Gibbon

"Check it out, you can see my crotch from up here." —Harry

Editor's note:
Stellar entries this round! Thanks for making my decision so hard.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"If I'm flying all the way out to streak at the '74 Oscars, I figure I should at least travel in style."

"Allow me to propose a toast: Here's to the ongoing search for my clothes."

"Getting through security was a breeze."

"Are you gonna eat your pretzels or whatever that thing is?"

"The way your eyes are bugged out of your head suggests Grave's Disease. You should get that checked out."

"Now that we have our goblets of mead we just need the wenches."

I prefer aisle seats.
They give you a little more

I meant to say window seats.

Sorry about that.
This whole thing is making
me very nervous.

The engines have stopped. We're all going to die. Cheers.

OK, Mr. Judgmental! At least I didn't urinate "Leo Cucucu"in the aisle.

I left my clothes sitting in a chair in the New Yorker's Caption Contest #37...why do you ask?

A toast! To being so fucking rich I can do whatever I feel like doing. That's right, I paid FULL FARE and I'm drinking straight gin BEFORE NOON.

(Those two sentences could be broken up into two distinct craptions.)

...and then I said "why of course I have salted nuts". Man...after two glasses of 1983 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, dear sir, that one never fails to crack me up.

Shut up, Bob! Everyone knows your penis is a clip- . . . ah fuck, it's too easy.

Actually, it's just more of a challenge to put the tray table back in the upright position this way.

Of course I wax! I'm from Los Angeles.

I'm too sexy for my clothes. Too sexy for my clothes. Too sexy for my clothes.

[I also have way too much work to do, and I'm procrastinating something fierce.]

I'm a stock analyst, you?

"I'm naked, drinking alcohol and I'm meant to represent the prophet Mohammad. That should spark a few protests."

"Wrong question, my young friend. Instead, ask yourself this: Why are all of you wearing those awful clothes?"

My office has extremely casual Fridays.

Why can't I get serviced? Oh Miss! Please do something about these nuts.

"Curse those radical leftists and their annual 'War on Christmas-slash-Public Nudity.'"

I'm still being held prisoner in this secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility. Please help! Spread the word! I will try to get more info out in future captions. The North Koreans can't read English but they spy on random readers and monitor their reactions. Please laugh now, I beg you.

"My profound retardation makes it impossible for me to dress myself. Fortunately, this hasn't prevented me from being a jetset fatcat."

Check it out, you can see my crotch from up here.

"I'm trying to put it into the upright and locked position before take-off."


"Yes, but tomorrow I will be clothed, and you will still have that effete haircut."

I don't care what you've read in Wine Enthusiast, but it's a good white that goes with public nudity.

To first class, chapie, to first class.

"Oh, the condom...just a little added protection when I fly."

"Embarrassing?...Only if they lose my luggage after we land."

"Relax! It's airline policy...I'm not allowed to drink in the cockpit before landing this hellish bird!"

"Yes, my friend, it is good to be Sam Donaldson."

"I was told they have movies in the nude on this plane."

"I always believe in traveling light"

"I'm a porn star...just taking my work home with me."

The main reason why Incontinencetal Airlines had to shut down!

"Is a little naked man trying to take apart the wing out there, or am I nuts?"

"Could you kindly stop staring at me, jackass???"

"Psssss! Am I drunk, or does our row have two seats, while the one in front of us seems to have three?"

What I wore in Vegas...stayed in Vegas!

Um, that should be "PsssssssT!"

"Is there a Mrs. Kinsey?"

"Are you gonna drink all that?"

Note that this is *entirely different* than RichM's pretzels caption, because this one relates to his being drunk, while Rich's is just inane. No offense intended, Rich -- there's nothing wrong with inane.

"You mean my seductively swollen girlie breasts? No, I didn't know they were exposed."

"Man, you ever have one of those dreams where you're naked in public? I just had one of them a moment ago. Phew - it was only a dream!"

"Isn't it odd how the seats in front of us don't line up?"

"Why did they give us ashtrays? There's no smoking on airplanes."

"Well, how are you holding your tray up?"

"Yes, I should exercise more. I am ashamed of my physical condition."

"Mine is an enormously complex Pinot, with a sticky tray- table finish. Would you like to smell it?"

"Undress me with your eyes" is just an expression, you fucking literalist.

"I lost my shirt in the market, but I took my pants off because my nuts were sweaty."

"Would you mind checking your copy of the in-flight magazine to see if anyone has completed the Sudoku page? Thanks."

"I always believed we Nudists would receive our equal rights one day."

Usually, the airline loses my luggage *after* I pack. Asshats.

"I was kind of hoping I would be sitting next to a woman."

"Ever since 9/11, I've been terrified of flying, so I take Ativan any time I have to get on a plane. Unfortunately, because this is such habitual behavior to me, I sometimes forget that drinking alcohol while taking Ativan is counterindicated -- which means that if I have a glass of wine, I can end up getting a little out of control. Although even when I start acting oddly, I usually remain lucid right up to the point where I start trying to have sex with anything within arm's reach."

"Removing my clothes before I get on the plane saves valuable time in my bathroom trysts with my boyfriend, Commander Riker."

"I'm naked because I have removed all of my clothes."

"It's okay, instead of watching the in-flight movie, you might be interested in viewing something else on my Powerbook. Oops, I meant to say laptop, not Powerbook. Can I have another chance to deliver my line?"

"I'll begin masturbating as soon as they bring the hot towels 'round. Just a warning."

"And they said I wouldn't get far!"

(Not meant to devalue Mariann's entry; instead, I offer this as a tribute to finalist Jay Christianson of Laguna Beach, California, whose caption is about as funny as Dachau. Cheers, Jay.)

"Do you have something against the naked human form? Would you like to?"

"I _am_ a woman, you lookist pig."

"It's called an Abu Ghraib tuxedo."

"Trust me, when the killing starts you'll wish you were naked, too."

"I acknowledge your input and I respect your opinion, Steve."

"Yeah, okay, Steve, I am a baby. A big, fat, wine-swilling, airplane-flying baby. You got me. Asshole."

"Naked? Who's naked?"

"Jeez, what is it with you New Yorker cartoon guys and your turtlenecks?"

"This way, if we hit turbulence and I spill my wine all over myself, I won't stain my clothes. You know what they say -- once bitten, twice shy. Oh, except calling myself 'shy' when I'm totally naked doesn't make any sense at all. Anyway, cheers."

Well, being principal of Springfield High, I don't get a lot of opportunities to really unwind.

"It's getting hot in here..."

"Security made me remove my clothes when they found they were packed with explosives. There's one place they didn't look, though."

"I'm naked, but not bereft. Think about that."

"Once we get to Perth, you'll be the oddball."

"Take a picture, it lasts longer."

"It's an experiment. I want to see if, under the artificial glare of the interior lighting, my nipples will fade away entirely by the end of the flight.

"Watch this. In fifteen seconds, that chick in front of me will be slurping this wine off my lap. Mark my words."

"It's the new rule: no clothes unless you have pointy shoulders. That slump-shouldered guy in the row behind us is the exception that proves the rule."

"Ever since James Frey betrayed Oprah's trust, wearing clothes has no appeal for me anymore."

"Who gives any thing to poor Tom? whom the foul fiend hath led through fire and through flame, through ford and whirlipool, o'er bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his pillow and halters in his pew; set ratsbane by his porridge; made him proud of heart, to ride on a bay trotting-horse over four-inched bridges, to course his own shadow for a traitor. Bless thy five wits! Tom's a-cold, -- O, do de, do de, do de. Bless thee from whirlwinds, star-blasting, and taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom the foul fiend vexes: there could I have him now -- and there -- and there again, and there."

And if you remain absolutely quiet, you can hear me digest this fruit rollup. Or the ocean. One of the two. I live near the ocean, so it's hard to tell.

"wondrous winds lloyd. wondrous winds. cheers to wondrous winds."

Okay, the coast is clear. I'll raise the tray table. Then you pretend to be helping me with the seat belt buckle. Comprende?

"Of course I'm wearing shorts. Jesus."
"True, I am naked. But you're the one who's staring. So who's the real pervert: the guy who likes to sit back, relax and drink wine - a guy who just happens to travel in the nude? Or is it the guy who likes to look at him? ... Oh yeah? Fine. Fuck you, smartass.

Predicted real-life winner: "What I save on dry-cleaning goes straight into upgrades."

"You're soaking in it!"

Another predicted real-life winner: "I like to travel light."

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is Donna, your flight attendant. We are approaching our descent and you'll notice that the Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign. He would like to ask that everyone, except the gentleman in 32D, please restore your seats and tray tables to their upright positions and on behalf of United we thank you for flying today.

Nonsense! My garments were spun from the finest golden threads by two expert tailors. Clearly you are too stupid or incompetant to see them for what they are!

"A body needs to breathe, brother..... just like wine."

"One word: bedbugs."

Sure, you can give me a handjob. Just let me finish my wine.

"I always remove my shirt when I take a shit. Cheers."

"Because God won't Rapture people in turtlenecks, douchebag."

Obviously if I had my pilot's uniform on, you'd report me.

Obviously I can't hold a wine glass with the straight-jacket on.

Air marshals must never reveal themselves.

God I hate these leather seats, don't you?

What does a person have to do to get the flight attendant's attention?

If it bothers you so much, spank me.

It's my birthday, hence...

I have this incredibly contagious rash that makes wearing clothes unbearable.

Don't you have a book to read, or something?

Oops, I just dribbled. And I don't mean my wine.

"Of course, underneath your clothes, you're ALL naked."

Of all the infernal cheek! The man in the row in front of us is reading Score Magazine!

... yeah, it looks like that because this minotaur went on a dick-ripping spree downtown. Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't hear about it actually ...

"My story's like yours. I just keep parting my hair the way I have since I was fifteen, and then one day you overhear a secretary make a crack about a 'combover.' Well, she doesn't talk about any god damned 'combover' any more."

"You know what's funny? I've known you for two hours, and yet I'm as comfortable with you as I am with people I've known my whole life."

"When you're naked, catching a tailwind has a whole different meaning"

"Here's to manboobs."

You won't believe where I hid my boxcutter.

"I spy with my little eye something pubic."

"After I drink my sparkling grape juice can I have yours? I love sparkling grape juice."

"This sparkling grape juice tastes like my piss. I'm on the grapes-only diet."

"What they didn't find is the joint taped to the back of my sack. People are always like, 'The asshole's the way to go,' but that's the first place they check. Seriously."

"I'll just assume that when you said 'wide-body,' you were referring to the plane."

"Well you know, in an emergency exit situation, people would let me slide down the chute first because they would want to see a naked guy do that. Now should we find ourselves in mass incendiary type of situation, then at least a perfectly good suit is spared."

"Yes I am a tenured women's studies professor at Barnard. My specialty is not Sapphic lyric poetry, but fuselagic acrylic nuditry. Eye contact with men turns me to stone."

"Okay, I won the bet. Now you have to take yours off too."

"Do you smell something?"

My testicles will expand to 10 times their normal size when we hit altitude.

I love Vegas!

Look out the window, it's the Washington Monument. No... wait, that's just a reflection.

You better move your wine, or else I might spit in it.

Because if this plane goes down, I'll be the one the media talks about.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your fly is open.

Look out the window, it's the Washington Monument. No... wait, that's just a reflection.

You better move your wine, or else I might spit in it.

Because if this plane goes down, I'll be the one the media talks about.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your fly is open

Yes, I'm the captain. What's your point?

"Red wine is even better for your heart if you're naked."

I usually travel even lighter...but they made me wear the fig leaf!

“Of course I put toilet tissue on the seat before sitting down.”

“I don’t care what they said in that movie. I still savor Merlot!”

“Maybe our lives would be richer if we spent our flights reading instead of getting smashed on overpriced wine.”

“Yes, I’m the guy in the Tammy NYP video…and I just managed to escape Singapore by the skin of my teeth. I am trying to travel incognito, so please don’t draw any attention to me until we’ve landed in Australia.”

“Buddy, can I talk to you? I believe I’m about to hit rock-bottom. In the figurative sense, at the very least. But who knows? Maybe the literal sense, too. I don’t feel very lucky. You know, I’ve done things you wouldn’t believe. Wait a minute! Can I sell you the rest of my drink for five dollars? If you give me your address I’ll pay you back. I promise. Say, do you think the flight attendant will hand out those slipper-sock thingies? I think I could use a few. I’ve done things you wouldn’t believe….”

"They had a garage sale at the palace...and for only $300 I got ALL of the Emperor's old clothes!"

"When we fly together, my wife always pretends she doesn't know me."

"It's just something about alcohol and nudity that helps me manage airsickness."

If that attendant asks for more nuts one more time...

"Hey man, did we or did we not get our drinks before everybody else?"

"Well long lost twin brother separated at birth, by chance we finally meet. You, a Catholic priest and me the public exhibitionist, I can tell by your expression that this is somewhat overwhelming. Perhaps if mom and dad had sent you to the orphanage instead of me our rolls would be switched, and you'd be the one open to personal liberty and I'd be the sexually frustrated man of the collar. It really make you wonder doesn't it? -Cheers- "

"I know I'm changing the subject but where exactly ARE the seats in front of us--placed out of perspective so readers can see I'm naked?"

"I know I'm changing the subject, but where exactly ARE the seats in front of us--placed out of perspective so readers can see my classic New Yorker gut?"

"I HATE using public bathrooms...you never know whose ass the seat has touched!"

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2