The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #36
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
Can you do worse than these?
"I'm beginning to think abortion should be a sacrament."
"It's not what you think. I swallowed a pig whole."
Results after the jump
Winner:
"Hey, remember that scene in the Scwarzenegger comedy when he says, 'It's not a tumor'? Like, he tells a little kid that he has a headache, and the kid says, 'Maybe it's a tumor,' and he says 'Eets nuht a TWO-muh!' in that accent? Ha ha! That still kills me! But yeah, it's a tumor." —Trout Almondine
Finalists:
"I'm gonna draw latitude and longitude lines on it with a magic marker, then I'm gonna outline where the United States is and paint it red, white and blue like the flag, then I'm gonna freehand George Washington's face right in the middle and one of his eyes will be my belly button, and when I suck in my breath he'll wink. Then I'm gonna tattoo the portrait of a scotty dog on my forehead with a sewing needle and the ink from a broken open Bic pen. But first I'm gonna eat a tub of Cool Whip and green olives. Later." —ben
"I am 'womb-man.'" —danny
Comments
Some times, what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay there.
Posted by: 99 | January 16, 2006 10:33 AM
Yes, it's true. I have adult-onset diabetes.
Posted by: Dashiell | January 16, 2006 10:57 AM
You promised that you had a vasectemy! By the way, I'm a woman.
Posted by: Muffin | January 16, 2006 11:00 AM
"Do you have any idea what decent custom shirts cost?"
Posted by: theophylact | January 16, 2006 11:08 AM
"Does this tie make me look fat?"
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2006 11:16 AM
"Yeah, I might have a horrible, godawful beer belly, but at least I'm not bald, right?"
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2006 11:19 AM
"How 'bout that football game last night, huh, Fred? Boy, do I like football. Well, all sports, really. I'm crazy about sports. And hunting. Grrrrr."
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2006 11:26 AM
You're fat.
Posted by: Ezra | January 16, 2006 11:42 AM
"My wife and I are pregnant."
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2006 11:53 AM
"... and I swallowed the spider to catch the fly."
OK, I'm done. Promise.
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2006 11:56 AM
"Well, at least I'm not going bald, baldie."
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2006 12:03 PM
(Whoops -- someone already made that joke. Oh, well, that's what I get for coming up with such an obvious punchline and then not hitting "post" right away.)
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2006 12:04 PM
Why, we seem to be re-enacting the plot of a mid-1990s Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle! How very odd.
Posted by: Tim | January 16, 2006 12:22 PM
"Well, I guess this means that, for the next nine months, straight people will stop asking us, 'So, which one of you is the woman?'"
Posted by: Tim | January 16, 2006 12:23 PM
If you must know, I will give birth through my ass.
Posted by: chumley | January 16, 2006 12:33 PM
"These new synthetic fibers are very stretchy and confortable, but they don't breathe at all."
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2006 12:41 PM
Yes, I have been working out. Thanks for noticing.
Posted by: Alex G | January 16, 2006 12:42 PM
"I'm thinking that if it gets a little bigger, I can fuck it."
Posted by: J | January 16, 2006 1:14 PM
I dunno. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm totally full of shit, y'know?
Posted by: Tim | January 16, 2006 1:32 PM
"My eyes are up here. Pig."
Posted by: Tim | January 16, 2006 1:33 PM
Does this fat-suit make me look fat?
Posted by: Harry | January 16, 2006 1:52 PM
"Got a wafer-thin mint?"
Posted by: Slide | January 16, 2006 2:09 PM
Don't tell me I lack principles, Steve. I have principles that you do not begin to fathom. I am so principled, in fact, that when I'm called upon to work with a guy like you, whose only purpose appears to be providing an ephemeral veneer of due diligence, then it makes me want to punch your fucking lights out, right here in the goddamn lobby. Do you have any more questions about my fucking principles, fuckhat?
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 16, 2006 2:14 PM
Hey, remember that scene in the Scwarzenegger comedy when he says, "It's not a tumor"? Like, he tells a little kid that he has a headache, and the kid says, "Maybe it's a tumor," and he says "Eets nuht a TWO-muh!" in that accent? Ha ha! That still kills me! But yeah, it's a tumor.
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 16, 2006 2:17 PM
"As long as stays big, hard and threatens others' personal space, I'm happy."
"It's the love of Jesus, Mike."
"Go ahead. Thump it."
"It's a strap on. I'm slumming a lot these days. You know how winter is."
"I wanted to make babies with myself. If that is contrary to Mormon law, I'll eat the placenta."
Posted by: wasoe | January 16, 2006 4:10 PM
Hey -- My eyes are up here.
Posted by: AY | January 16, 2006 5:03 PM
I know, I know, Mr. Blackwell: "Never wear a striped tie with a distended belly."
Posted by: Corey Anderson | January 16, 2006 6:09 PM
"Tell you what, we coulda had a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! Had us a place of our own. But you didn't want it, Ennis! So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain!"
Posted by: RichM | January 16, 2006 7:35 PM
If we can track down Steve Gutenburg, we'll have a blockbuster.
Posted by: tito | January 16, 2006 7:38 PM
"Turns out gay marriage isn't just a right. It's a responsibility."
Posted by: J | January 16, 2006 8:00 PM
I am unsure whether to draw an interesting pop cultural reference to Junior (which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant dad- have you heard that he's become governor now? I wish him good luck in his gubernatorial endeavours), or Aliens (in which an alien popped through somebody's stomach in a gutwrenchingly traumatic scene) ... Napoleon Dynamite? But what's that got to do with a hideously fat stom ... Heheh, yeah, "Gawwrsh" ... heh, that was a pretty funny movie.
Posted by: kickassninja | January 16, 2006 8:38 PM
The wife and I made a deal: I'd have the baby, and she'd do something stereotypically male that I can't think of right now, but which I'm sure the entrants to the real New Yorker caption contest are, like, all over, each of them thinking they're the only ones to come up with it, and completely boring the unpaid intern whose job it is to sort through the entries.
Posted by: Tim | January 16, 2006 10:05 PM
I had gut augmentation to make my moobs look smaller.
Will you tell me when I'm erect?
It's a lovely way of saying how much I love you.
I TOLD you those aliens were probing me with something.
Posted by: Amy | January 16, 2006 10:58 PM
"Could you hold this laundry bag (which is cleverly designed to look like the lower half of a dress shirt and tie worn over a distended stomach) for me? I need to tie my shoe."
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2006 11:08 PM
"I knew this would happen after Howard went to Sirius."
Posted by: j+k | January 17, 2006 1:13 AM
Of course I'm not pregnant silly. I just look that way because I ate my wife, who was pregnant.
Posted by: Owen | January 17, 2006 1:39 AM
Naw, just fat. Listen, when you have a minute, I wanted to talk to you about the Williams file.
Posted by: zebra | January 17, 2006 10:17 AM
It's a gift from the Lord.
Posted by: ben | January 17, 2006 10:55 AM
Why don't you guess whose it is, Bert.
Posted by: ben | January 17, 2006 10:56 AM
It'll be comin' out the back door ... we think.
Posted by: ben | January 17, 2006 10:57 AM
Dude, it's a pregnancy suit. Rule No. 5 for skipping work: Always follow through with your excuse. Remember I wasn't here last Friday? Well, at the time I didn't realize ... exactly ... what morning sickness was. And don't fucking lecture me--I know that's a violation of rule No. 2.
Posted by: ben | January 17, 2006 11:06 AM
"Do I look funny to you, Steve? Because I sure as hell feel funny. Where's my bucket?"
"Hogwarts, actually. This tie's my cousin's."
"I can't believe I get paid for this."
"Pardon please, can you to me direct the Dutch Embassy?"
"Does this belt of explosives make me look fat?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 17, 2006 11:41 AM
"Honey, I'm sorry -- if you really find it that unattractive, I'll try to use the treadmill more often."
Posted by: Francis | January 17, 2006 12:42 PM
"Yes, actually, I did just have King Kong's glans attached to my lower torso. Thanks for noticing."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 17, 2006 1:08 PM
I have a feeling that two weeks paternity leave isn't going to cut it this time around.
Posted by: Jon | January 17, 2006 2:25 PM
Six weeks with nary a toot -- and if you think my stomach looks weird, you should see my sphincter.
Posted by: j-ha | January 17, 2006 2:51 PM
I'm hoping for a little DILF action.
Posted by: sam | January 17, 2006 4:18 PM
Hello, Gary. I'm you... from the future!!! You get your nose done and some decent plugs. But, well, I guess you noticed that you also put on an awful lot of weight.
Posted by: Spanner | January 17, 2006 4:27 PM
There are alot of countries in Asia where your ignorance would be considered offensive.
Posted by: jake | January 17, 2006 5:42 PM
"I'm going to name him Commander Riker, after his father."
Posted by: picard | January 17, 2006 5:44 PM
"sigh... everyone knows my stomach's a clip-on."
Posted by: anonymous | January 17, 2006 5:46 PM
"I just ate Henderson. That promotion is MINE."
Posted by: Jim Treacher | January 17, 2006 10:33 PM
"You know you want it."
Posted by: mykull | January 17, 2006 11:38 PM
would you like a bowl of bowel bisque?
Posted by: pukebot | January 18, 2006 12:50 AM
Yeah? Well your wife likes how it feels on her ass.
Posted by: horsewithnoname | January 18, 2006 1:09 AM
A baby? Born out of wedlock? Shame on you! Shame on you!
Posted by: Simon H | January 18, 2006 7:53 AM
It's not mine.
Posted by: j-ha | January 18, 2006 9:11 AM
"I'm sleepy. Would you kindly carry my legless stump of a body --damn that train, damn that train, damn that train, damn that train-- over to that madras flannel jammies pedestal? "
Posted by: jhs | January 18, 2006 9:28 AM
I'm gonna draw latitude and longitude lines on it with a magic marker, then I'm gonna outline where the United States is and paint it red, white and blue like the flag, then I'm gonna freehand George Washington's face right in the middle and one of his eyes will be my belly button, and when I suck in my breath he'll wink. Then I'm gonna tattoo the portrait of a scotty dog on my forehead with a sewing needle and the ink from a broken open Bic pen. But first I'm gonna eat a tub of Cool Whip and green olives. Later.
Posted by: ben | January 18, 2006 10:56 AM
"I'm not *stroking* it, I'm holding it."
Posted by: Francis | January 18, 2006 11:41 AM
Well, I guess after college all the muscle turned to fat. How typical, really.
Posted by: Andrew | January 18, 2006 11:50 AM
Just because I have short hair and wear a tie to work doesn't automatically make me a man. Don't assume; it makes an "ass"
out of "u" and "me."
Posted by: Arthur | January 18, 2006 5:11 PM
Just because I have short hair and wear a tie to work doesn't automatically make me a man. Don't assume; it makes an "ass"
out of "u" and "me."
Posted by: Arthur | January 18, 2006 5:11 PM
Just because I have short hair and wear a tie to work doesn't automatically make me a man. Don't assume; it makes an "ass"
out of "u" and "me."
Posted by: Arthur | January 18, 2006 5:12 PM
i have chosen you steve to pull out the cork!
Posted by: pukebot | January 18, 2006 8:48 PM
there are mushrooms growing on my dick. here look.
Posted by: pukebot | January 18, 2006 8:51 PM
Actually, I can believe I ate the whole thing- look at my fuckin stomach!
Posted by: mcgurk | January 19, 2006 1:10 AM
"I need to decide whether I'll host the Oscars or run for governor of California."
"I was just diagnosed with celiac disease. I can't believe my doctors hadn't noticed sooner."
"Every week I check 'Subscribe to the weekly cartoon newsletter' but I still haven't received one."
Posted by: David | January 19, 2006 12:36 PM
"I eat anything I want and never exercise . . . and you?"
Posted by: Julie | January 19, 2006 2:57 PM
As an obese man who carries fat around the abdomen, I'm a prime candidate for adult onset diabetes, heart disease, and a host of other unpleasantries that will no doubt take years off of my life and lower the quality of my remaining years. But at least I'm not a pussy vegetarian.
Posted by: why | January 19, 2006 4:29 PM
They say fat is a feminist issue
Posted by: Anon | January 19, 2006 7:15 PM
pull my finger.
Posted by: pukebot | January 19, 2006 10:01 PM
Did you see "Supersize Me"? Yo that was the dopest shit ever, D.
Posted by: pukebot | January 19, 2006 10:10 PM
"Oink."
Posted by: jake | January 20, 2006 2:24 AM
Bowling ball? No I haven't seen your bowling ball, asshole!
Posted by: buster | January 20, 2006 3:00 PM
Bowling ball? No I haven't seen your bowling ball, asshole!
Posted by: buster | January 20, 2006 3:00 PM
What part of "Anonymous donor" don't you understand?
Posted by: bugsy | January 20, 2006 3:18 PM
yes, it's a striped tie, and yes, I know it's Solid Tie Friday, and you know what? I don't give a shit.
Posted by: Frankie | January 20, 2006 3:24 PM
"I'm keeping it. Don't worry, I don't expect you to be responsible for it. It was my decision, after all. I won't even list you as the father. Or even the mother. Can you help me unbutton my shirt?"
Posted by: j.r. | January 20, 2006 4:14 PM
When my father's nose is up against my taint, it tickles. Whoa, I've got a big gut.
Posted by: Robert Paulson | January 20, 2006 5:19 PM
Wow. That Robert Paulson sure deserves to win!
Posted by: Not RP | January 20, 2006 5:32 PM
Da, we should close this contest, now. Finished.
Posted by: Svetlana Spasski | January 20, 2006 5:36 PM
There is a snake on you, Ma'am.
Posted by: George | January 20, 2006 7:28 PM
I'm actually the snake from last week's contest. I'm slowly digesting your wife.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 20, 2006 8:57 PM
I am 'womb-man'.
Posted by: danny | January 21, 2006 12:35 AM
According to Esquire's Style Guy you're not supposed to untuck an Oxford shirt until the third trimester.
I'd have thought Merck would have bold-faced the 'possible fetus' side effect on the Propecia label.
I'd love to help you move this weekend, Gerard, but as you can see, my hands are constantly occupied holding up my grotesquely distended stomach.
Posted by: Ken Goldstein | January 21, 2006 3:31 AM
"twins"
Posted by: DirtyHarry | January 21, 2006 7:32 PM
Why Gregory? I don't know, I've always like that name and it's been stuck in the back of my head for some reason.
Posted by: jimbo | January 21, 2006 7:37 PM
A little late:
"...and then when they're looking around all confused you pop it out and go in for the easy lay-up. Coach Meadowlark had lots of plays like that."
Posted by: sluggy | February 2, 2006 4:09 PM
"Are you familiar with the 'Rod Stewart' rumor?"
Posted by: Robbo | May 18, 2006 11:34 PM
"I still can't believe you created your own personal private floating device!"
"Ya isn't it terrific! By the way, did you see that hairy beaver looking thingy floating on the water.."
"Hmmmm...."
Posted by: mike | June 12, 2006 8:16 PM
"Tell anyone about this, and I'll use your beady little black eyes for fucking buttons!"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 10, 2006 12:57 AM
"Well maybe YOU'RE the freak for NOT having a parasitic conjoined twin!"
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 3:21 AM