Whaddaya think of that?
The Boston Globe's Alex Beam has a column about columns he'll never get around to writing. One of his uncovered subjects is sudoku. Well, he doesn't have to write it, because I just did. In the new issue of The Week, I have a briefing about the craze, its history and meaning. (I'm no fool: I had Francis look it over for me before turning it in). It was interesting to write (and, I hope, to read) but it certainly didn't turn me into a fan of the puzzles. I started to do one just because I figured I should, and I got about halfway before getting bored and giving up.
Of course, I have my own list of articles I'll never write (I think every writer does). Currently at the top is a piece that would have been titled The Erotic Pleasures of Laurie Berkner. If I need to tell you who Laurie Berkner is, you probably don't care in the least. If you already know, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about (come to think of it, this may explain why the two magazines I pitched this to didn't bite). Basically, it's about how every father of young children has a secret crush on LB, one of today's biggest (and best, it should probably be admitted) toddler music stars. I already had a great quote from one friend about her appeal: "It's pretty obvious. She's got a huge rack and she takes care of your kids." Personally, I liked her better pre-makeover (is that botox or just too much makeup?) and I don't think the BerknerBoobies are the only attraction. To me, it's all about that mischeivous shifting of the eyes right as she wakes up from the break in We Are the Dinosaurs. And the tight shirts.
You know, I swear the article was going to be more funny than creepy if I ever actually wrote it. I was probably even going to throw in something about how it wasn't even a disappointment that the wimpy-looking dude in her band is actually her husband, because it looks like I could take him. (Actually a bit of a stretch, since he and I are probably equally wimpy. Indeed, we both went to Oberlin, which says all you need to know. I didn't know him, but we have mutual friends. Hi, Arthur.) Finally I would have settled the popular Ginger/Mary-Ann debate about LB vs. Dan Zanes's accordian player by pointing out that once you see accordian chick without the funky hair (in, say, the Jump Up vid), you realize she's a one-trick pony. (I would have refrained from making squeeze box jokes.)
I still think it could be a fun story, but after those two rejections I didn't have the drive to pursue it. I also began to lose interest somewhere around the 352nd viewing of the dorky song about boots and as the hippie-dippy persona on display in I'm Not Perfect began to detract too from the sex kitten on a trampoline boasting about her stamina in My Energy.
Now aren't you glad this isn't a daddy blog?
Comments
Indeed, we both went to Oberlin, which says all you need to know.
That's it. I'm coming over there right now to kick your ass, wimpy boy!
...Hang on, I just need to spend a few minutes on an intensive weight-training program, and then I'll be there.
Posted by: Vance | January 13, 2006 11:33 AM
first the drought then the flood, there's too much to read here! But I just want to put my two cents in on.... SUDOKU! I only started two days ago, finished my first puzzle yesterday, (couldn't do any of the ones in the paper, had to get a book with easy ones)... I think I'm done with video games!
guess I'll check out this Laurie chick, something to keep Esme occupied while I do my puzzles.
Posted by: jake | January 13, 2006 1:28 PM
Hi back atcha, Daniel.
Posted by: Arthur | January 13, 2006 3:04 PM
Daniel, Daniel, Daniel - We've published a full response to your BerknerBoobies ode on freelancedad.com, but we've gotta tell you that you're completely ignoring the most alluring sidewoman in kids music - and she stands just on the other side of accordion girl Cynthia Hopkins in the Rocket Ship Revue. We speak, of course, of slinky and stylish singer/guitarist Barbara Brousal. She's got it all over both Berkner and Hopkins - and a sexy, grown-up voice that leaves the others in the sandbox.
Posted by: gary | January 13, 2006 5:16 PM
You know the other ones' names? Thank god I'm not the most pathetic guy here. If Brousal is the Maria McKee-sounding one who sings The Trees Are My Friends or whatever it's called, you're right about her voice for sure. And Gina agrees with you that she's hotter than Hopkins. I get no kick from either, truth be told. But several times when I'd bring up Laurie, a fellow father would counter with Hopkins -- though not by name, freak :). I only stuck her in to be a fair and honest reporter.
Posted by: radosh | January 13, 2006 5:24 PM
I got a sudoku book for Christmas. That's the first I'd ever heard of it. But I got bored before I even started the first puzzle. And it reminded me of how I came up with my picture "Oh what's the difference?!" I'd been trying to arrange the buttons on a phone to say something funny. Obviously, I gave up. However, I did come up with a code to remember my social security number.
Posted by: Sam | January 13, 2006 5:41 PM
you guys are SO CREEPY.
(but you know all us moms are thinking bad, bad thoughts about steve on blues clues. he can sit down in my thinking chair anytime.)
Posted by: marjorie | January 13, 2006 6:04 PM
Most pathetic guy here? Man, I've read some of those anti-caption entries, and that just ain't possible. And, hey, cut me some slack - the kids and their pastimes are my editorial business.
For the record, though, Hopkins is Zanes' accordion player, and she wrote The Trees Are My Friends, but both she and Brousal sing on the track. Brousal writes and sings the original Spanish-language songs which appear on many of the albums.
And now if you'll excuse me I need to return my Electrawoman and Dyna-Girl video . . .
Posted by: gary | January 13, 2006 6:17 PM
Steve?! At least Joe wears shirts that fit and is slightly more high functioning as retards go. But I have to admit that Gina agrees with you.
Posted by: radosh | January 13, 2006 6:24 PM
I've seen Laurie Berkner in concert (with my kids), and I am SHOCKED that any of the daddies find her attractive. And my kids hated her. Victor Vito has to be one of the most annoying songs ever.
Lauren
Posted by: YogaChickie | January 13, 2006 10:25 PM
Sudoku strike me as about as fun as filling in the boxes on Form 1040 (including Schedule C). Maybe some enterprising pitchperson could package a bunch of crumpled receipts and scribbled check registers up with a pad of these and sell them as the next new numerical puzzle sensation.
Posted by: RichM | January 15, 2006 5:30 PM
Sorry to talk about music instead of hotness, but Cynthia Hopkins's non-kids' band, Gloria Deluxe, is worth a listen.
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2006 10:52 AM
THAT'S a "huge rack"?
Posted by: Cthomas | January 16, 2006 3:57 PM
Believe me, I looked for a picture that captured Ms. Berkner's appeal more accurately. For a better view, watch one of the videos here or here
Posted by: Radosh | January 16, 2006 4:02 PM
Okay, I'd like to rest in her nest, even if "huge" seems an overstatement.
Now I'm--pathetically--looking for that Zanes backup player. (He plays solo in the one video I found.) My motivation, of course, is to research music for my 18-month-old. I'm new at this, knowing only about They Might Be Giants.
Posted by: Cthomas | January 16, 2006 5:04 PM
Have you pitched it to the NYT -- either Thursday or Sunday Styles? They would eat that up, I bet. You'd probably have to make it -- gasp! -- a trend story of sorts. Find other hot side women or men whom parents of toddlers secretly lust for. La-la-la.
Posted by: Jon | January 17, 2006 8:40 PM
i want to pitch the joe vs steve thing! dibs! you get the girls, radosh.
but i note that you don't have to be a straight girl to lust for steve.
http://nofo.blogspot.com/2004/11/one-big-day-two-minor-celebrities.html
Posted by: marjorie | January 18, 2006 11:46 AM
I didn't know there was someone on makeup. We need to get someone on wardrobe pronto. You know, the girl in the green pants is at least going to get a second look. She might even capture your imagination. But, you know, you're just not going to tag it if she wears the green pants every single day. Every day. I mean, that's just not right and makes you wonder about some other things b/f you end up hearing all the reasons in your ear.
Posted by: tom | March 31, 2006 9:26 PM
I think you are spot on with your position about Laurie.
1. Huge rack (all relative - to me it's huge)
2. Takes care of kids
3. Good looking
4. Kinky hair
5. Outstanding voice
6. Likes to be silly
7. Shaboing-boing!
Posted by: Scott | October 14, 2007 10:39 PM
Tough call. LB does have a nice rack, but BB has got the "IT" factor. Please play a kids party in my neighborhood! Schwing!
Posted by: Chris | December 1, 2007 12:01 AM