Even Dubiouser Achievements 2006
The February Esquire is just out, featuring the annual Dubious Achievement Awards, to which I once again contributed extensively. This year a lot of my gags got in. I'm particularly happy with my jokes about Golden Palace, Scooter Libby, TheAristocrats, and the NHL. (Jokes I most wish I'd written: the ones about Kal-El Cage and the White House ethics course.)
But as always some of my funniest headlines didn't make the cut. Or, more precisely, headlines I thought were funny actually were not. Since I hate to let anything go to waste, here, after the jump, are the least bad of my rejected Dubious Achievement Award submissions.
WHY, DOES LINDSAY LOHAN HAVE BIG BREASTS OR SOMETHING? WE HADN’T NOTICED
After receiving complaints during test screenings, Disney digitally reduced Lindsay Lohan’s breasts prior to the release of Herbie: Fully Loaded.
DID HER AIRBAGS DEPLOY?
Lindsay Lohan crashed her Mercedes convertible outside the Ivy restaurant in West Hollywood after being swarmed by photographers.
HOW BACKWARD CAN YOU GET? HAS HE REALLY NEVER HEARD OF STAINLESS STEEL?
Commenting about women race car drivers, Formula One president Bernie Ecclestone said, “You know I’ve got one of those wonderful ideas … women should be dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances.”
YOU KNOW, WE WERE WONDERING WHY HAIRYAMATEURHUNKS.COM WAS SO STRIDENT ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM
James Guckert, a member of the White House press corps known for asking softball questions in press briefings and for printing passages from official administration press releases in his reports, was found to be the proprieter of several gay porn sites.
WELL, OK. BUT IF SHE STARTS WANTING CONVERSATION AFTERWARDS, WE’RE GOING BACK TO VHS
XStream3D Multimedia released a new video game, Virtually Jenna, in which a player’s goal is to bring porn star Jenna Jameson to orgasm.
TWO DUKES AND AN EARL DRESSED AS FRENCHMEN SURRENDERED TO HIM
Prince Harry wore a Nazi uniform to a costume party in January.
WHEN ASKED FOR AN EXPLANATION, PUTIN REPLIED, “THE PRECIOUS! IT’S MINE NOW!”
Thinking it was a gift, Russian president Vladmir Putin pocketed Robert Kraft’s 2005 Super Bowl ring after the New England Patriots owner took it off to show it to him.
BUT ONLY AFTER PRINCE HARRY STOLE HIS FIRST IDEA
At a ceremony commemorating the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, Vice President Dick Cheney Cheney wore a monogrammed, fir-trimmed parka, brown boots, and a ski cap reading “Staff 2001.”
BY AN UNFORTUNATE COINCIDENCE, IT’S THE SAME MELODY AS PARIS’S RINGTONE
A Ukranian inventor has created a musical condom that gets louder as the sex becomes more passionate.
THEN IT DEPORTED PEDRO
The Idaho state legislature passed a resolution praising the production of the film "Napoleon Dynamite."
THAT, AND TALENT
Tara Reid told Steppin’ Out magazine that she’s been unfairly represented as just a party girl. "I need one great movie role so they say, 'Wow, she can act! She’s a great actress.' "
GOOD, BECAUSE HE WILL DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND WILLING FUCK BUDDIES IN HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
New Pope Joseph Ratzinger got his own papal email address: benedictxvi@vatican.va.
FOILING THE EXTREMELY POPULAR SEARCH “DEMOCRACY + JESSICA SIMPSON NUDE”
Google, Microsoft, and Yahoo all built censorship into China-specific versions of their software at the request of the Chinese government. Among other terms, searches for or postings containing the words "democracy" or "human rights" result in warnings that the computer user is employing illegal language.
UNIVERSAL IS ASKING FOR ITS 88 MIL
To boost box office returns, AMC Entertainment offered a money-back guarantee to anyone who didn’t like Russell Crowe’s Cinderella Man.
SO THAT’S WHO CALLS VIN DIESEL
A hacker broke into Paris Hilton’s Sidekick and published her address book on the internet. Included were numbers for Adrien Brody, Ashley Olsen, Eminem, Vin Diesel, Jermaine Dupree, Andy Roddick, Jay-Z, and Luke Wilson.
HE WAS SO SURE HE PUT A GRAND ON A 16% DROP
On his radio call-in show, former Education Secretary William Bennett told a caller, “If you wanted to reduce crime, you could—if that were your sole purpose—you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.”
START WITH YOUR LAST FIVE PAY CHECKS
Ben Affleck signed on to teach a weekly acting class. “I’d like to pass what I’ve learnt onto other actors who want to enter the film industry,” the actor said. “I thought it would be good to give something back.”
OK, MR. KRAMDEN, THERE’S ANOTHER $10 BILLION IN IT IF YOU CAN EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS AFTER “ZOOM”
NASA has been given $120 billion for a project that will send astronauts to the moon.
Comments
The rejected a Lohanboobies joke? I may cancel my subscription in protest.
Posted by: Jesse | January 12, 2006 12:12 PM
Didn't several of those jokes/achievements make it in in other forms? I remember William Bennett, the China search engines, and Paris Hilton's Sidekick from the list.
Truly sad? I figured Dan had to have contributed something when I saw the item about Prussian Blue.
Posted by: Matt | January 12, 2006 12:51 PM
Yeah, the way it works is Esquire sends everybody the items and we all submit headlines. So, clearly, for those that you mentioned, other people had better headlines than I did. Damn you, Haber!
All my Prussian Blue jokes were lame. Too lame even to put on the blog.
Posted by: radosh | January 12, 2006 1:25 PM