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"Let's not make this more difficult than it already is."

"I just thought of something - could you pick up some apples when you get the groceries? Apples and mice. Thanks."

So is this one of those instances where you just want to me to listen, or do you actually want help?

Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?

"So I'll just take the five dollars you owe me out of your purse myself, then?"

"It's from Ikea. They call it the Slithihiss."

"Well, honey, you should have known something like this might happen when you cheated on me."

Somehow she knew that it wasn’t Gary’s paunch, receding hairline or inability to listen that was ruining their relationship. Ultimately, it was his small penis that would cause her to leave him.

Oh heck, it's up to your neck.

Two things: your fear of snakes is irrational and the hour is up.

You couldn't just flaunt a pink feather boa like all the other breast cancer survivors?

(Thanks for the nod on the odd caption.)

"Fuckin' a', man."

"Of course I'd hesitate to use the word 'hug.'"

"So you were saying about the sanitary violations?"

"Ah, so that's where I left the python, thanks Gwyneth."

"I can't believe you still hang around with that guy. He's only interested in your nutrients and juices."

Predicted real life winner: "What have I told you about eating on the couch, Steve?"

"Honey, you know I can't get him back in his basket without my pungi."

"I thought I told you not to use Pledge on our glass coffeetable. Se how it streaks?"

"I swear, this wasn't what I meant when I asked if you wanted to pet my snake."

"Relax, it's not poisonous."

"Yes, that is James Woods' gun/hand from VIDEODROME protruding from my abdomen. This is all just a cable-induced hallucination. I'm actually smothering you with a pillow."

"Oh, that. I usually wear him on my head to hide my baldness."

"Just give him the money. Seriously."

"That's his way of saying 'Hello.' Also, 'I am going to kill and eat you.'"

"Wow, that's impressive! I've seen plenty of girls do the strangled-by-snake bit, but not while spinning a crazy four-pronged yoyo device with their right foot. Very nice."

"Is that a snakehead in your crotch or are you just happy to see me?"

You have a snake on you, whereas I am wearing a sweater. I like to wear sweaters if it is cold. if it is warm, I wear a tank top. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a simple kind of guy. A kind of guy who wears sweaters. Sweaters sweaters sweaters. The end. P.S. I love you. P.P.S. I have a bomb, and if this bus slows down to below fifty miles an hour it will explode. P.P.P.S. Um, never mind. I forgot what I was going to say

P.P.P.P.S. I'm a racist.

Turn over.

"MMMmmmphh! MMmmmmppghh! GGrrrfffmmm!"

"No, that's not how the whore in Thailand did it. Not at all."

"So I told Larry, 'Of course not!' I mean, honestly, what did he think I was doing there? It's not as though I get paid just to -- is the casserole ready? I'll give it a couple minutes, I think. I'm starting to smell the mushrooms. Anyway, what did he think I was doing? Larry, yeah. Do I look like I just hang out there for fun? Do I? I didn't think so. No, I have a job to do. I was actually talking to James about this last week, right? You remember James? Yeah. James was there to see Elizabeth -- at the office, I mean -- but she was in a meeting, so we started talking and we actually set up a lunch the next day. That was Tuesday, I think. Wednesday. We had lunch on Wednesday, because it was rainy then. James' daughter actually just headed off to college, 'O' something, or 'C-o' something. Coburn? Does Coburn sound familiar to you? Great place though, wherever it was. Warm, and just a great school. She plays volleyball, so it's just a great place for her."

Edward Gorey would have drawn us so much better.

I am a modern man. I watch Brokeback Mountain. I use lotion after I shower. I empathize.

And I am willing to admit I am afraid of snakes.

So I think you should kill it yourself.

Now try and climax just before you pass out.

Well, turns out your husband wasn't in the closet after all. Good thing -- I would've freaked.
See you back at the office.

This is so typical, I was speaking allegorically!

Ok, now you've really got me feeling inadequate.

Monty, take that trash right back to the street where you found her!

#1

would you mind, from now on, if i referred to you as silly sally snake shit?

Honey, have you seen my snake? Oh, there it is. Hiding behind your purse.

That is one of the poorer examples of a knock-off Noguchi.

"Fire!"

(Not a caption entry) By the way, I'd just like to predict that the real life winner will be a variant of jake's "Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?"

"You see how clean I keep everything. I'm a clean little boy. But you're a dirty girl. Dirty. Dirty things need to be cleaned up. And I'm a good boy. A good boy who cleans up after himself."

Pythons remind me of penises, which remind me of semen, which reminds me of swallowing, which reminds me of choking, which makes me think of you, which brings me back to pythons again. I don't quite get the last connection, but who can understand how a mind works?

"Yes. It does make you look fat."

"Dibs on the handbag."

(Not a contest entry) J: I submitted something rather similar to the New Yorker contest and won't be surprised if one of the final three turns out to go along these lines. No, I'm not proud.

"This is yet another example of the incompetence of the Bush administration."

Yeah, I just put it in my pocket; why, do you need it?

"Are you serious? Because I cant tell. I think you're joking. Ha Ha, good one! I'm going to make myself a sandwich, want one?"

"I'd help you if I could, but my therapist told me to stop calling my penis a trouser snake and I've been doing really good too. So if you dont mind, I'd rather not put myself in the position to relapse. Ok? Thanks."

First of all, Marcia, that IS NOT a cobra. Cobras are venomous, and that snake is clearly some sort of constrictor, such as a boa or a python. I also disagree with your second point. I DO NOT have a tendency to dwell on insignificant distinctions while ignoring the crisis at hand.

Now let's try speaking in tongues.

"What the hell is that supposed to be -- some sort of fusilli costume, you crazy bastard?"

"I think he's upset that you packed his goldfish in the suitcase."

"He smells my bunny suit on you."

#1-#5

"'Help'? No, 'Help' is out. How about 'never'? Is 'never' good enough for you?"

"I can't find the mint Milano's. Did you eat them all?"

"I said EXHALE, and turn COUNTERCLOCKWISE. sheesh."

"Imagine that. A burly Peruvian with a machete at our door! I told him to buzz off."

"Um...didn't I tell you to not come here when you're menstruating?"

Great, you can buy a $500 reptile, but we can't afford to replace this cheap-ass IKEA furniture? I want a divorce.

you have a quizzical look on your face. if you knew what i was going to do to you it would probably be more of a terrified look... i'm just fuckin’ with ya. now lets get that snake off of you. kidding! i *am* going to torture you... naw, i’m just fuckin’ with ya. now lets get that snake off of you.

i have to run, you may let yourself out.

I don't care what you do, I'm not eating the apple. This place is rent controlled.

(When did you stop giving hints for the comment spam. I had to post this 4 times.)

Martha. I've got something to tell you. I'm gay. There I've said it. You don't know how good that makes me feel.

Jesus fuck, a snake! Where the fuck did that come from? Martha? Are you okay? Hang on in there. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit how do you kill a snake? Okay Keith, keep calm, keep calm ...

"Can you lend me twenty bucks?"

"god you’re gorgeous. i am going to fuck the SHIT out of your corpse".

Don't worry, he is just molten, er, I mean, *molting*. Molten -- Ha! I mean, that really would have been a pickle. All wrapped up inside a molten boa constrictor. So there's a silver lining for you. You're being killed by a snake, but a snake that feels like my old belt. Not one hot enough to melt a car.

"Well, kids, how's that homework project go- aw, no! I knew I couldn't trust you two alone down here!"

"You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. Are you even trying to listen to what I'm saying?"

"Last week, Japanese scientists explaced- placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and it's local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally. You think its tax deductible if I send them a sweet cash gift?"

"Sorry I'm late.
I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you."

"Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh, I saw you from across the party, and, uh, I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie. I mean, that thing is good. I want to be friends with it."

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I wanna be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait."

"Linda, please -- green and white after Labor Day?"

Gerald was a boring shit who liked to talk about books. Gerald was a turd.

"Paperclip in my pocket?"
--MacGyver may have been aging, but the scripts in 2006 were as fresh as ever.

"A snake is afraid of its own reflection, so just squirm over to that glass coffee table and make sure it peers into the reflective surface. I read that in a book."

Snakes and other animals live
like magnetic animals
in varmint holes and couches
in jungles

"Down low...too slow"

#5

I feel that this relationship is constricting me. When I try to get close, you recoil. I can’t take one more minute of you slithering around behind my back, speaking with a forked tongue. Therefore, I intend to shed you from my life. However, I will miss your hinged jaw.

.

I got it for the same reason I got an SUV and give very firm handshakes- so everybody will know I have a big penis.

I got the snake to get rid of the mice. Just loosen up . . . and then he will too . . . da-dum-bum.
I'll be here all week . . . or at least until that snake kills you and then comes after me . . . hey why did I come in here in the first place?

I just want you to know, despite everything, I still think you are a good person and have really grown alot from this relationship.

i submitted that last one to the "real" contest

"Don't worry! I looked it up on WebMD and there's absolutely no way you can get avian flu from a snake."

"Dont worry, its trained to respond to special hand gestures only I know. Just give me a minute and I'll try to remember what they are."

"I told you that life insurance policy wasnt a bad idea. I'm rich bitch!"

"Yes, I do think God is punishing you. Funny though, I always thought you'd end up dying of AIDS."

"I hear that their heads can pop off if you snap them like a whip."

"Me name Bob, me make joke, me ask snake-snake make you choke"

That's nothing. Wait 'til I introduce you to my trouser snake...

"Did you do something to your hair?"

"I see you met my mother."

"Back in the 1940s, The New Yorker published a Charles Addams cartoon in which a woman says 'Oh, speak up, George! Stop mumbling!' to a man who has been swallowed by a giant snake. More recently, in 1999, the magazine published a Frank Cothan living room scene in which a woman says 'I believe we’ve entered the dark underbelly of pet ownership.' to a man who has a snake wrapped around his neck.' But not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that the two of us would find ourselves in a similar predicament, except that it is you, the woman, who is ensnarled by the snake and it is cartoonist Matthew Diffee who is drawing the scene as I speak!"

I distinctly said, "Don't go near the snake if you're menstruating." Did you listen?

"Oh my god! What's that fucking smell???"

"Honey, is your friend going to stay for dinner?"

"why do you have a boa constrictor snake wrapped around you, hon?"

"Oh please now Meredith, anyone who knows a thing about snakes knows that the coiling action comes after a firmly placed bite. The head of your snake is merely examing its environment which of course includes your thumb and your mid-section, and actually seems quite docile. No, I'm not buying any of this crap! Where are we anyhow?"