December 19, 2005

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #33

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


You can do better starter captions:

"Don't worry, in my other bag I packed the cat."

"Oh great, now all my underwear is soaking wet. That's your problem, you never fucking think these things through. Jesus fucking Christ."

"Ha! You are so lucky airport security didn't check your suitcase. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would have been! It is indeed a relief that more than four years after the tragic events of 9/11, it is so easy to sneak goldfish bombs onto a plane. Now that the test run was successful, you will detonate the fish on the return flight. Allahu Akbar!"

Update: Results after the jump.


"When are they going to shit out the heroin?" —Pukebot (who was so close to being disqualified for posting too many entries. I have to read all of these myself, friend. From now on just choose your, let's say, five favorites. Thank you.)


"I asked Samuel L. Jackson's character, whatever his name is, to kill a bunch of college kids for this? What was I thinking?" —Francis

"That's odd. And by odd, I mean five is an odd number of fish." —Amy

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"That makes me so hot, though not for you."

I won't pay; they're dead.

"I still think there's a better way to take fresh sushi home."

"It looks like I took the wrong suitcase. Mine was filled with human excrement."

"I assure you, Mrs. Peel, there's nothing to be concerned about. Pain is just pleasure you have not yet been told how to enjoy."

"Oh, 'wetsuit case', that does make more sense."

"Kinda makes you think, don't it?"

"This never happened when we had a dog."

Predicted real life winner: "I guess this means my dinner jacket is at KittyCon."

"piranha smuggling is easy? have you forgotten the time i had my right arm chewed off?"

"i want to sleep with the fishes"

"if water weighs eight pounds a gallon, this suitcase should weigh, like, 120 pounds."

"why didn't the water leak out."

Goldfish *crackers*, Harold. How the hell am I supposed to eat these on the plane?

"I had sex with a prostitute on my business trip. I also bought these fish."

"Guess where I packed the gerbils."

"Shit! I made a bet with the AquaLock Luggage salesman that this would leak. Our life savings is gone. It's your fault, bitch."

"I fucking told you it was water-tight. You owe me a dollar."

"What the -- I could have sworn I packed my poor, African-American New Orleans resident in here."

"Those are some big sperms."

Why did you put fish in the suitcase, you stupid bitch.

"I asked Samuel L. Jackson's character, whatever his name is, to kill a bunch of college kids for this? What was I thinking?"

"Something's fishy about this."

"Honey, I swear the salesman said the bags were waterproof when I bought them."

"Not again."

"What do you mean, that fish has lipstick on it?"

"My cocaine!"

I would rather stick my face in this rancid suitcase full of decomposing fish than go down on you again, Marcia, so stop asking.

"You'll note that the handkercheif in my pocket looks vaguely like a goldfish tail. I'll bet someone could make a funny caption about that. Not me, though. But somebody."

The luggage tag says, "If found, call me, Ishmael."

Were we in Australia, the fish would all be swimming in the other direction. Also, people would laugh at Paul Hogan. And the women would all have three teeth. No, the women would probably have normal teeth. I'm just shitting with you, Australia. No worries mates.

"Dammit Janice, you do this every time we come to Seaworld. You know you can't feed Shamu!"

"They're fish. If you want them to know you're angry, you're going to have to do more than cross your arms."

"Damn. I can't wait to open the other two. Maybe my right arm is in one of them."

"Shit. I did it again. Packed the fish, forgot the fish food."

"So we both brought back souvenirs from Hawaii. You have your little fishies, and I have the panties I stole from that 12-year-old hula girl's dressing room."

"They're sex fish --trained to maneuver through your nether regions,producing the most intense orgas-- Jeez! will my ass ever stop itching?"

I like to think that the fish take ME around on these business trips.

"So if you're seeing shirts, underwear, socks and a squash racquet ..and I'm seeing fish, what's really in there?"

"I asked for antacid, but the stewardess must have misunderstood."

"We are spies Brenda. This is a code, Brenda. I'm picking up clues,Brenda. Don't interrupt, Brenda."

And here I thought your suggestion of fly fishing in our suite was a euphemism for unzipping mine and doing your blowfish imitation.

That's odd. And by odd, I mean five is an odd number of fish.

You sleep on the wet spot this time.

"The luggage tag did say 'Property of Jesus'."

"Maybe if I pack you next time, you'll die too."

"I'm starting to regret allowing that cartoonist to draw our luggage."

"I'm so excited! I was a finalist on the caption contest at radosh.net last week! Hmm? Oh, those are my dead fish."

"wait, wait... maybe we're ALL like dead fish floating in some big cosmic suitcase. whoah."

So now you know -- I am a camwhore. And, yes, those are my fish. Or is it fishes? What is the deal with the English language and plurals relating to animals? Hoofs/Hooves, fish/fishes -- are there any rules anymore? Am I alone on this?

"Well, it could be worse, Kevin Spacey could have sent me YOUR head floating in a box."

"Picard! Riker! Spock! Bones! Kirk! I can't believe I've killed you all! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"This is how you make me feel. Happy anniversary."

"c'mon Monica, could there BE any more dead fish in that suitcase?"

"Well, perhaps if I take them back to my office, where everybody wears parrots on their shoulders, the parrots will eat the fish."

"Who's boring now, Tipper?"

"Yes tipper, I bored them to death. Want to make out on TV?"

"Okay Tipper, here's a good one: Would you rather: kiss me when I had my beard, or stay up tonight wondering why I packed a suitcase of dead fish?"

"Okay Tipper, here's a good one: Would you rather: kiss me when I had my beard, or stay up tonight wondering why I packed a suitcase of dead fish? Never mind, let's just go make out on TV."

"can you help me get this olive out of my eye? The toothpick is killing me."

"then we just close the top. slip it under the bed like this. come back in 20 million years and viola, fossilized luggage fish."

"when are they going to shit out the heroin?"

Luca, my Bras, I say!

"Oh, the fish were nothing. You're overlooking the challenge of ironing flat an Austrian peasant wearing lederhosen, folding him in thirds, and fitting him into the TOP half of my suitcase!"

"shit, i hope there are some alive in the other suitcase or our trip will have been a waste."

"You have to understand, Margaret. They had been abandoned in the hotel fountain, left to die ignominous deaths among the pennies and the filty children. The injustice of it all beat down upon me like the midday sun. It was at that moment I knew; I knew how I had ended up at Spring Break, why I had chosen that beachside hotel, and why I had purchased a waterproof, lead lined suitcase. Also, I'm gay."


"been there, done that"

"i guess next time we won't take the water taxi. har, har, fuckin' har."

"this reminds me of a passage from the good book. "a cry of alarm will come from the fish gate and echo throughout the newer mishneh section of the city. and a great crashing sound will come from the surrounding hills. wail in sorrow, all you who live in the market area, for all who buy and sell there will die. i will search with lanterns in jerusalem's darkest corners to find and punish those who sit contented in their sins, indifferent to the LORD, thinking he will do nothing at all to them" Zephaniah 1:7:18. i find it really inspires me in my day to day life."

quote from evilbible.com

"all we need is saran wrap and we're water boarding!!"

"honey, quick, call for kelp. ha ha ha. i'm just kidding. they're fucking dead."

Dear cod, what have we done?

One fish, two fish, red fish, dead fish.

"Great. Now our luggage smells like pussy."

I really enjoyed our week at Pepperidge Farm, but I must say: they don't offer much as far as souvenirs are concerned.

"This isn't my bag."

"Something something something Aquaman."

"Hmmm. The Nigerian ichthyologist must have OUR bag. I did tell him it was full of cash."

"Another fine mess you've gotten us into, Laurel."

"Oh god. Let's just go back to Cuba."

"As mortals be, they die. And so must we."

"Bear with me girrrl, I feel a limerick comin'on!"

"That damn Mexican porter stole one of our fucking fish!"

"Uh-oh. Where the hell are all my dead lizards?"

"I'm going to add this to my indignant letter to the hotel manager. Right under the part where I point out one of our doors opens somewhat awkwardly in front of the other one."

"I can only imagine how horrible this scene would be if it were in color."

"Take THAT, you skeptical bitch! I TOLD you the pants would stay dry!"

"It's very simple, Harold. You're going to go straight out to the petstore and buy the children another, identical suitcase."

"I'm sorry, Janet, but rules are rules, and I already called the left side of the bed."

"That's just great, Ted. Now our bed's going to have that awful 'opened suitcase' smell."

"Well? What are you waiting for, Suzanne? These Fish Pajamas aren't going to magically sew themselves!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jeremy, you got an Australian drug courier executed for THIS?"

They're dead, you win. But you don't have to be so fucking smug.

"Luxury hotel my ass? Who's running this dump? We come in, there's already two suitcases on the bed, one of them open, and someone's written graffiti on the bedspread! Let's get outa here."

"This fancy Jell-O dish looked a lot more appetizing in the magazine - and, come to think of it, even during the time I was packing it. Now, however... eh."

"I guess our luggage really did take the long way 'round, huh?"

"Hey, when I packed this suitcase it was filled with loaves of bread. Jesus sure is a great practical joker!"

"Now just hold on a minute here! Urine is the only thing I've put in this suitcase! Where did the fish come from? Come to think of it, I have had difficulty passing... or pissing...or more accurately --piscing."

"'And yea, in the end times, fish will rain down from the heavens, e'en into the bags of unsuspecting travelers.' Honey, I'm afraid you and I have been...Left Behind."

Yes, there is something fishy going on here. Were you always that clever, or did you learn that at Vassar?

"Oh, dear. Judging from the fate of these fish, I fear that our infant son packed in your carry-on bag might not have survived the flight, much less the jostling of the baggage carousel."

"So, where are my pants?"

FIVE fucking crackers? You packed FIVE fucking crackers? Bitch, that isn't even easily divisible by two!

Where the hell is Eddie at? He usually eats these goddamn things!

"I think they're dead honey." "You think so?! You fucking think so?!! I told you not to put them in tartar sauce!"

I'm going to try to fucking win this fucking caption contest by being using as much goddam vulgarity as fucking possible, you vapid bitch.

No, I'm not going to keep them in the underwear drawer. We'll get an aquarium.

Well if you have a better idea than fish I'd like to hear it.

Baby, does this mean my meatloaf sandwiches are still on the kitchen counter?

Do I mind? No, I don't mind.

First your eyebrows, Franklin, now this. I told you those maids could understand English.

I have to admit, I was really expecting worse when that guy said we would both be 'sleeping with the fishes.'

"Finally we got out of that hellish New Orleans! Let's never mention that awful, terrible, traumatic experience again! We've left the whole thing behind, and we'll start completely afresh, with not a single - ...awww, FUCK."

"... now the man and his girl, they are comin' toward the case, I can't believe I'm in this case, we're all trapped in this caase... what are we gonna do... we didn't mean to stay over at her house ... and that midget was some freaky stuff ... boy, i think i've had enough ... so i jump in my fishbowl car .. and i head down to downtown ... thinkin i've let my fish baby down ... now they're openin the suitcase, now they're openin' the suitcase, now they're openin the suitcase, the man wipes cherry pie crumbs off his lips and says "baby, what's that smell..."

"Those damn Cuban fish will do anything to get to America."

"honey, i promise, the guts from these fish make the ab-so-lute best anal lubricant. so let's get down to business."

"I can't help but feel this is a prank by the guys making fun of that bunny costume I wore to work last week."

"Boy, before I packed all these fish I sure wish I'd read that Chicago Tribune investigation that just found the problem of mercury in fish is much more pervasive and extreme than the government has so far admitted and that regulation of the industry is a joke. You know the one I mean, honey? The one we saw at http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/specials/chi-mercury-3-story,0,4192281.story."

"go fish...you cunt."


Okay, I'll admit it's a littlle odd. But not as odd as that lampshade. What the hell?!

Um, Marjorie, you might want to glance down and to the left a little. My suitcase is full fish.

Let me put this in perspective. I mean, it's obvious Mr. PcVey can't.

Okay, for pride, this time *without* the typos:

Okay, I'll admit it's a little odd. But not as odd as that lampshade. What the hell?!

Um, Marjorie, you might want to glance down and to the left a little. My suitcase is full of fish.

Let me put this in perspective. I mean, it's obvious Mr. PcVey can't.

"Don't look now, but it seems the bag to your right is pissed for some reason."

"Santa left shit again."

"No, they're obviously alive. See how they're vibrating?"

"Don't be so self-righteous, Janine. Everyone steals stuff from hotels. Now help me caulk it."

"I feel like carp."

"...well I've a hankering for salmon."

"....even though I feel like siht."

"What was that Bullwinkle used to say about flounder?"

"It's a miracle, Donna, that's what that is."

anti-captioning is a hit here at the family illuminukahmas reunion. hoist a pint to ye, radosh.

"Now where did you pack my rod and net?"

"Told you the ice would melt."

"Hmmm...This room isn't in two-point perspective..."

"That's the last time I let our goldfish-loving nanny pack for our trip. Also, testing the new spam filtering thing."

It is the age of Aquarius Marsha - just go with it.

It appears that some poor soul has forgotten his fish

You know, I'm surprised we got this case open considering we have no thumbs...

"I'm sorry. I can't unpack just now. I've got to go to the bathroom. And then I think I should just lie down for a while. Do you have any aspirin? I'm wiped out!"

"Oh dear. We forgot to pack the little man from Cartoon Caption Contest #8."

New contest:

"You want to suck my WHAT? I had my hearing aid turned off."

I brought the fish condoms, lets have sex. The butt sex.

Smells like vagina.

"I hate that fucking lamp"

"Goddamned 'Homeland Security' ! They've zapped our poor darlings half to death ! See how they lie on their sides, like as if drawn by some unskilled cartoon artist !"


EvilBible.com is Dead

Large portions of evilbible.com have been considered, dissected and declared
fallacious on very many levels.

Two examples of this fact are as follows:

Whilst besmirching the Bible for allegedly commanding rape evilbible.com,
for some odd reason, neglects to mention the most relevant biblical text
related to the biblical view of and law about rape. Why this omission? Who
knows, but it would certainly have gotten in the way of a good session of
emotive expression of prejudice-it would have discredited evilbible.com to
reference this most important text. Indeed, those annoying little facts have
an annoying way of getting in the way of good fallacious assertions.

Whilst besmirching the Bible for allegedly commanding human sacrifice
evilbible.com, for some odd reason, neglects to mention that the Bible does
not command but condemns human sacrifice. Evilbible.com, for some odd
reason, neglects to mention that when the Bible reports that human
sacrifices did take place they were carried out by Gentile Pagans who were
not worshiping the God of the Bible but various false gods. When "Jews" were
performing human sacrifices it was only when they turned away from the God
of the Bible and joined Gentile Pagans in worshiping various false gods.
Yet, in typical militant activist atheist fashion, evilbible.com does not
condemn Gentile Pagans but only condemns the Jews.

Further evidence of this is found at this URL:


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