December 5, 2005

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #31

Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Starter anti-captions:

"Excuse me, but the customer waiting for attention in your establishment takes priority over the one calling on the phone. That's just basic service sector etiquette."

"You know, they make 'em cordless now."

"I'll bet you hate having to answer the phone here. You really shouldn't have named the joint Ho West."

"Hey, there's a Negro sitting at this counter."

And the bad caption I'll actually submit this week on the theory that it has a chance to win: "Let her use a damn ball of string like anybody else."

Update: Results after the jump.


"Call the cops and I'll jerk this nigger's cock right off. Ho ho ho, yes, jerk probably was the wrong word to use in that sentence. Nonetheless, you should probably call the paramedics now because his penis is no longer attached in the proper way." —kickassninja

(Skittish disclaimer: Ok, yes, I would not have used the word nigger. I don't think it adds enough to the joke to make up for the problem it causes. Still, you can't argue with the overall result.)


"Imbecilic mortal! Thou movest toward the speaking-machine at the pace of the very snails of the earth, yet thou expectest to be the eighth caller?" —Kevin

"I believe the Dow Jones Industrial Average will go up."—pukebot

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Okay, so now you know I'm a minotaur. Just put down the bottle. Reeeeeeeeal slow."

"I asked for a *vodka* martini."

"If you're planning on calling the police to come enforce your 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' sign, I should warn you that I could disembowel you in, like, less than a second."

"I don't think it's that cold outside."

"Want to see my twelve-inch pianist?"

"If that's my better half, don't tell her I'm here. She's a real ass."

"I would've been here sooner, but they shut down the West End Highway and I got lost driving city streets."

"You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"

"I didn't like Harriet Miers much, either."

"Onions? Do I look I'd be ordering a fucking Gibson?"

"No, I am not an alcoholic."

"Someone has vandalized your bar by carving the name 'Shanahan' in the back, there."

"Why don't either of you have mouths? It's creeping me out. Seriously."

"Tell her to meet me here at the 'Ho West' bar."

"It's the last time I go to a plastic surgeon with a spy in his office I tell you that much."

"For many years I did not drink."

"Ne touchez pas le telephone, Judge Reinhold."

"Because 'Hung like a guppy' doesn't sound very good, does it?"

"If that's my wife tell her I'm not enraged."

"If that's Judith Miller tell her I'm just another chimera."

"Nice ringtone, jerk."

"Upgrade to sell my ass! Capitalism is a lie!"

"Okay, fine. I'll leave. Just don't call the cops. I ain't goin' back. Not for this. You're a real piece of work, you know that, Steve? Doin' that to a friend."

Anticipated real life winner: "If that's my broker tell him I'm not here."

You don't serve bulls!? Take off your apron and let us bullfight, matador.

So, an enraged bull walks into a saloon wearing deflated kiddie pool floaties on his arms...

I'll have what Malcolm Gladwell's having.

"Hey! Who's a guy gotta blow to get a Malibu Bay Breeze in here?"

"Imbecilic mortal! Thou movest toward the speaking-machine at the pace of the very snails of the earth, yet thou expectest to be the eighth caller?"

"When my ship comes in, boy, I'm gettin' me some water wings that fit."

Okay, so I'm a bull-man and you've got your head facing backwards. Looks like it's a whole bar of freaks! Him? Oh, he's got three testicles.

Make sure to tell them I want the ambrosia on the side.


And that's when they asked me to leave the china shop. I guess nobody likes it when you piss all over their floor.

Call anyone you'd like, but I can tell you right now that I really am the horniest guy in town.

I am the proverbial bull that one grabs by the horns. A walking metaphor for living life to the fullest. Personified. And you wanna call the cops?

If you're calling take out, I'll have some oats.

Go ahead! Call the Labyrinth. I have perfect credit there.

"Moo, my good man."

"Why the long face?"

No, I don't want a white Russian. That's disgusting.

"Want to hear a cock-and-bull story?"

"He took my testicles. I took his heart."

I'll have a vodka and Red Bull. Get it?

"It will show up on your phone bill as Minotaur Services Inc., so just fuckin' relax."

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your dick's a clip-on."

"He's into bestiality and I'm into dark meat. Now, if we could only find an androgynous man, pudgy in the middle, preferably with no mouth, we'd be in heaven."

"These peanuts taste like ASS!"

I have a syringe full of mad cow disease in my left hand. If you make me another weak martini I'm gonna stick it in your God damned head. Oh, pardon me, go ahead and get that call.

"I had a long day on the high density feed lot, OK!"

"I'll have another vodka antibiotic martini and no you don't have to call my vet."

I have just been diagnosed with bovine spongiform encephalopathy, commonly know as mad cow disease. I have very little time left. Why!!!

cow trouble.

Me so horny.

Call the cops and I'll jerk this nigger's cock right off. Ho ho ho, yes, jerk probably was the wrong word to use in that sentence. Nonetheless, you should probably call the paramedics now because his penis is no longer attached in the proper way.

"I take offense to the satyr reference, I'm 100% minotaur."

"Give me fifty on the bulls"

"Did somebody here order a pair of mountain oysters?"

"What's with the blank look?"

"It's only beastiality if it involves my mouth."

"I'm about to rip your friggin head off your body, your obviously calling the police and preparing to defend yourself and yet the gentleman beside me is calmly enjoying his drink. Do you find that odd?"

"I said a nose ring. You sold me a cock ring. A used cock ring."

"So easy a half-bull-half-man can do it? Did you hear that? That is SO condescending."

"...As for my condition, it shall pass by morning. You, however, shall still have no mouth."

"Can't a horny guy have a drink with his boyfriend without someone alerting the media?"

"You might as well put down the phone. You don't have a mouth, you know."

"I believe the Dow Jones Industrial Average will go up."

"Excuse me, but I'm a bit confused. I was supposed to meet someone at their apartment, and the address they gave me was '40 West.' Do you know if there's an alternate entrance, somewhere, for the apartments above this bar?"

"Ever considered oats in these snack bowls?"

"uh... what kind of martini was that?"

"Yeah, my old lady's a real ball-breaker... she won't let me dress like this at home."

"Of course, now it all done with computers."

"Yuck! Too much vermoooooth."

"You're not gonna call Theseus. How gulli-bull do you think I am?"

"Don't make a phone call now. I'm about to make another cow-related pun."

"Well, me-ow!"

"The toilet room is out of men's paper"

"Man, you need to work out."

"Countryman, lend me your vest. My nipples are titillatingly erect. And I don't want to mislead anyone nor have rough sex with an Indian man. Not this afternoon; I have a meeting at Conde Nast. Which makes me wonder: will that security sticker of theirs stick to my chest glistening with musky oils? Oh well, I'll just put it on my forehead."

"Hey! This creep i'm trying to pick up keeps stealing my olives and sticking them in his eye sockets. Oh, wait --that must be a sexual message..... never mind."

"Make that hardtack AND weevilly biscuits."

"How dare you turn away while I'm talking to you."

"Geez! All I did was ask you where you got the loincloth."

"pffffftttttt. Oh powerful Zeus, why have you cursed me with this martini that tastes as if had been drawn from the river styx itself."

"Yeah? Well, at prices like these, I'm not surprised."

"Man, these arm rings are killing me - I wish I could find out who slipped them onto me while I was asleep! Say, bartender, can you call a doctor? Or wait, a detective. No, even better, a doctor/detective partnership! Thanks."

"Call the FTC for me - those 'steroids' were more like 'steeroids!' Heh. Get it - steeroids?"

"We are dressed in the clothing of different professions, are we not? ...What."

"If that's my wife, I'm not queer."

"Man, Ho West has really gone downhill since last time I was here. Now you let negroes in... what's next, Catholics?"

Gay cowboys? That's ridiculous.

"Am I the only person in here with a mouth? It would appear so. Except that I am not a person. I am a bull."

"If you didn't want me in here, you should have said so before you served me. I mean now you're out the cost of a martini. That's not good business at all. Also I've soiled your barstool."

Bull: "Hey barkeep, what's a guy gotta do to get another drink around here."
Bartender: "Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm."
Bull: "Oh yes. I forgot that you don't have a mouth. I should not have been so rude. Please accept my apologies."
Bartender: "Mmmmmmm."

If that's the china shop, tell 'em I'll be right over.

"Can I prod you for another martini.

"I've gotta say, Jerry, you've been much better at remembering my pal Shanahan's name this time around. And see? You didn't need any crude mnemonic devices after all."

"Who do I have to sleep with to get some service around here?"

"I know you didn't ask to see my breasts. It's just that alcohol always makes me a little horny."

"You wouldn't believe the security deposit my landlord made me pay."

"I like that your bar has curtains on the window. It adds a homey touch."

"You don't have *anything* on tap? Not even down at the end of the bar that I can't see because of my untreated myopia? That's pathetic."

"I said, this is an a-MAZE-ing martini. Get it? Because I'm a minotaur? Oh, just answer the phone already."

"No, there hasn't been a mistake - I'm EXACTLY what you wished for when you rubbed your magic telephone and asked for a big horny guy to walk into your bar. And this guy sitting next to me - he's exactly what you wished for with your second wish: a well-dressed black gentleman with a flat head...unfortunately for you, you didn't say anything about him having a mouth. For your next wish, big fella, perhaps you might want to make an effort to choose your words a bit more carefully."

"Actually, this gag set-up is perfect for those stuffy NYer readers. It allows them to show off their knowledge of classical mythology. Like those people, I would have attended an ivy too--hell-- even a state school, if I weren't so caught up actually living a fantastic life in the hills of Ancient Greece. So....what am I doing in here, again?"

"... and then she - You can answer that, Joe. I'll wait. I know that you are trying to run a business here."

"He'll say 'martini' means 'gin martini.'"

"Oh my GOD! I just realized something! I'm not wearing pants!"

It's exceptional that your disability has not prevented you from finding a fulfilling job. After all, being a good listener is one of the top requirements for being a successful bartender and you can't drink on the job either, so your boss must like that too.

"If that's the stool repair guy, mention that this stool is really wobbly....in fact I can feel a couple of loose nuts...probably 5/8" hex, but I could be off by an eighth."

"'Clip on Parrot' my ass"

"Do you ever get the feeling you're just a big man-bull sitting in a diner eating nuts and drinking martinis with two losers while wearing something weird on your arms? I do."

"I'm for gore in 2008."

"I'm not voting for gore in 2008. Do you know what his wife did "as a prank" to my mother and sisters one night as they were standing in a field?"

Don't pick it up, she thinks im at the Opera.

"Jake Gyllenhaal was just helping me over the fence."

"If you ask me, I'm voting for disembowel in '08. I WOULD vote for gore but he's married to a prankster who did bad things to my mother and sisters one night while they were standing in a field sleeping, legs locked, innocent, unsuspecting. Also, I don't care for his running mate, blood."

I didn't say "I need to call someone." I SAID, "I need to MAUL someone". Sheesh.

"Hey, buddy, listen, if that's my girlfriend, tell her I'm not here. I really can't deal with her bullshit right now."

"Excuse me, barkeep, sorry to interrupt your phone call, but I'm with the City Health Department, and I'm afraid you're in a heap of trouble: This fellow here tells me that you didn't wash your hands after using the bathroom."

"Sarah Connor?"
"If it's that bitch, I'm not here."
"If it's that cow, I'm not here."
"Oh shit! I think my abomasum's displaced!"
"Ever been electroejaculated before?..."
"...it hurts like a mofo..."
"Wanna massage my prostate?"
"Give me a steak...medium rare..."
"Did you know walking canes are made from bull penises? Wanna see one?"
"That fucking ho gave me lumpy jaw, wooden tongue, and hardware disease all in one night...Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

"I don't mean to horn in, but I've been sitting here for twenty minutes."

"If that's my wife tell her I'm out goring. Bitch."

"Did you catch Desperate Housewives last night? That Marcia Cross really brings out the beast in me."

"Yes, I do work on Wall Street, why do you ask?"

"I was told this was a bull friendly environment. If I am mistaken I can take my business elsewhere."

"Nice ass."

"No, I don't really know what the nose ring if for, either."


You can't discriminate against me because I'm a Cretan!

You can't fire me, I quit!

If that's Fusilli tell him he's a crazy bastard.

"I won't come back to the 40 West for the lively conversation, that's for sure."

Animal Control? hahaha. Put the phone down...you want everyone to know you're hallucinating?

"You said a moment ago that everybody you look at seems to be a minotaur. Now just what do you mean by that, Mr. Sprague?"

"I meet alot of great dames on the stun line, but then I have to kill them. So that's kind of a downer."

That minowhore you set me up with was a cow.
I can't even LOOK at another Bloody Mary.
Don't you have any Athenian maidens to go with these nuts?
Answer that and there will be chunks of you in my stool.
As a matter of fact, I am hung like a bull. And I'll just bet you're making assumptions about my friend here as well.

That minowhore you set me up with was a cow.
I can't even LOOK at another Bloody Mary.
Don't you have any Athenian maidens to go with these nuts?
Answer that and there will be chunks of you in my stool.
As a matter of fact, I am hung like a bull. And I'll just bet you're making assumptions about my friend here as well.

"Yep... somebody sure cut through that fence all right."

"My nipples are so hard they could cut glass."

"Why can't I just sit here and bullshit?"

"Snort snort snort snort snort snort snort, snort!"

"I curse the day I was steered into this Taurus trap!"

"If you're impressed by my head, take a look between my legs."

"Sure, I'm bull-headed. But is that a good reason to reach for the phone?"

"Mind if I borrow your apron? I just had an accident. You see, I am not just sitting on your stool. I am also sitting on my own stool."

"It is a good day to die."

If that's my wife, tell her I DON'T have her armbands...

I don't think I should drive, but I'm definitely going to the china shop.

"It's not my fault those kids are sitting at the bottom of the pool. Look at the god damn arm floaties they gave me."

"I know they say size doesn't matter... but that's got to be the smallest phone I've ever seen."


"NO... I do not want to 'ride the bull."


"The only things from Texas are steers and queers... see these horns?"

"Yeah, that's right, I said my name is Mordechai Gimmelstein.....So, who are these Prussian Blue girls you're talking to anyway, and why do they want to rush down here and see me?"

"I don't care what they say, bovine growth hormone is totally safe... AND tasty."

"Yeah, maybe you SHOULD call someone and ask them how to make a decent martini. You're lucky this is the only bar in the Labyrinth."

"If that's my dad, tell him I'm not very hungry."

"Look, I'm sure your dial tone contains subliminal messages, but that's no excuse for making me such a small drink!"

"Would you mind calling a cab? My friend here has become mildly intoxicated."

"I get soooo tired of people asking me my sign and then being surprised when I'm not a Taurus. Virgo's have feelings too!"

"Do you serve Cret- I mean, crepes, here?"

"My back hurts."

"I'd like to get Karl Rove *on the horn*."

"Nothing. What's amatador with you?"

"They said Johnny, you'd better stop drinking all those before you turn into a Red Bull...GOD, HOW I WISH I'D LISTENED!!!!"

Don't even THINK about waving that napkin at me. You DON'T want to go there. Trust me.

"That wasn't the phone. That was me making the 'brrringgg, brrrringgg' noise. well, not really me. I'm the dummy. It was he to my left, Vijay, the greatest ventriloquist in the world. Look! You can't see his mouth move, nor even his mouth. And he uses his right foot in ingenious ways, as Indians are known to do."

If that's the insemination clinic, tell them I'm replenishing my fluids for god's sake!

oops: me thinks vijay would say 'I' instead of 'me'

"All of Olympus mocks your grammatical error, lowly mortal."

"Milk?!? Is this some kind of fucking JOKE?!? 'Cos if it is some kind of fucking joke, it AIN'T FUCKING FUNNY!"

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