The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest
If there's one thing we've learned from The New Yorker cartoon caption contest it's that it's really hard to write a funny cartoon caption. Each week we see something like this, or this, or this, or this and we think, if these won, how awful could the losing captions have been?
That's why we've decided to create a new, parallel contest that plays to people's strengths. Introducing the unauthorized New Yorker cartoon anti-caption contest. Every Monday at radosh.net, you'll be invited to submit the worst possible caption for the new uncaptioned cartoon in that week's New Yorker. The fun begins now. [Update: Click here for contest index with current contest at the top.]
Submit your terrible captions in the comments section. The winner (chosen by me) gets a round of applause and a link in next week's post. Here are some of my own suggestions to get you in the mood:
"Would the owner of the giant truck please get it the fuck off my stage."
"Hey, there's a big fucking truck on the stage."
"Nice parking job, asshole."
"Flames on a monster truck? Could you be more trite?"
"Are you not entertained?"
"Well apparently someone out there finds the juxtaposition of classical music and monster trucks inherently hilarious, perhaps due to the class differences between aficionados of each form of entertainment, or perhaps simply because they think it's funny to see snooty musicians crushed under five-foot tires."
Update: Results after the jump.
Winner:
"There is a man pinned under this truck who requires immediate medical assistance. Someone please call for an ambulance. Please, before it's too late." —Pareene
Finalists:
"In order to ensure continued NEA funding, compromises had to be made... What? Oh, no, I don't mean to say that had anything to do with the monster truck showing up stage. That wasn't the 'compromise' I was referring to. I have no idea at all what the monster truck is doing here. The 'compromise' I was referring to was sucking off several members of the Congressional appropriations committee in a dirty truck stop bathroom." —C-Murder
"It's serendipitous that my B.M. is medium-to-dark grey, so you can't really tell that I totally shit myself when that truck drove onto the stage." —Corey Anderson
Analysis:
I knew this was going to be fun. I didn't know it was going to be so hard. How do you choose a winner (or is that loser?) when so many people have so many great ideas for terrible captions? All of the submissions below were in the running. I've categorized them as a way of explaining my decision-making process.
Pareene's winning entry was my favorite example of my favorite type of caption: the pure anti-joke. Like his, the entries below were all so carefully not funny that they became hilarious. Pareene got the edge for taking it a step further, making it not just not funny, but tragic, and therefore especially hilarious. Here in no particular order are the other anti-jokes I liked a lot.
"Ladies and gentlemen, a large 'monster'-type SUV has somehow driven over the chairs and music sheet stands of our quartet yet they have escaped harm. The driver is not present. Additionally, apparently I am a conductor of a quartet. Do quartets have conductors? I am not sure." —Timmy CoughDrops
"I'm going to play music on a violin for you. I like to play violin and have been trained for years to play it in public, which I have done many times before. Forgive my lengthy introduction; Dr. Schoenstein says I am a narcissist. I agree. But I also say 'F-ck you Dr. Judy Schoenstein.' At any rate, up first, excerpts from 'Concierto de Estio' by Rodrigo." —TG Gibbon
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll just hold on a minute, I need a moment alone with my gay partner." —anno-nymous
"What is this, some kind of joke?" —anno-nymous
"Oh shit, a truck has crushed our chairs! I guess we will play standing up." —Pat Broderick
"Wow, did you guys see that? Wow!" —Pat Broderick
"I asked someone to drive that truck onstage to get your attention so I could make an announcement. I have terminal brain cancer." —wendy
"Blah blah blah, I'm a fancy fiddle player." —Jim Treacher
"My, my, that was definitely fucked-up. I'm gay, by the way." —tim ferguson
"NOW how are we supposed to play our classical music concert?" —copyranter
Special mention: "Go fuck yourselves!" —J, who combines the anti-joke with that other classic comedy tactic, humor by forced repetition.
A few readers opted to create a bad caption by apparently thinking about what the New Yorker would actually use, and then creating worse variations of snooty highbrow allusions and irrelevant topical references. Finalist C-Murder starts out with this approach, and then drops a lovely misdirection to put it over the top. Similarly:
"Judy Miller warned us about this." —The Confidence Man
Thank you for attending tonight's performance of "Threnody for the victims of the Red States." —michael
"... and Loge seats E12 and E13, you have won two T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan, 'A monster truck demolished the New York Philharmonic, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.' I am sorry to inform you, however, that, due to NEA cutbacks, the T-shirts are a poly-cotton blend, rather than all cotton. They are also saturated with avian flu germs." —The Confidence Man
"Hi, I am barrister Peter Obi (Esq) from Lagos, Nigeria and I am here to deliver your $35 million inheritance from your late uncle Engr.Steve Moore a national of Isle of Man in UK, who used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria. It's in the back of my truck." —mr. pickycapellit
Another approach was to make this a cartoon about New Yorker cartoons. I enjoyed all of these, but given that almost any of them could be used for almost any cartoon, none of them made the final cut.
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?" —M
"Truckzilla, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?" —TMFTML
"This would make a really funny New Yorker cartoon." —Pareene
"Would you laugh harder if we were cats or dogs?" —michael
"All right, have it your way—you heard a seal bark!" —implied otter
"It was supposed to be a clown car. Yes, I understand that still wouldn't have made any sense." —C-Murder
Some people interpreted "bad captions" to mean "bad jokes," and came up with these dreadful groaners. I have to say, this is my least favorite type of entry, but I'm sure some folks enjoy them, so don't let that stop you:
"Let the 'Monster Mash-up' begin!" —Matty Matt
"And now we present Beethoven's Fourth -- or, Beethoven in Fourth Gear." —jason
"Hey, we asked for a conductor, not a conTRUCKtor!" —molly
"Dude! Where's my...Carnegie Hall!" —Zebra
"Oh, Wreckhmaninov is NEXT week? Sorry." —clint
"Rectum? Hell, it nearly killed him." —nagel
Finally, we have a handful of entries that made me laugh but that I couldn't in good conscience award a prize because they are too authentically funny. I fully expect lamer versions of some of these jokes to be finalists in the actual New Yorker contest. That said, please continue to submit funny jokes if you think of them. Man does not live on irony alone, you know.
"And now, AFTERNOON! AFTERNOON! AFTERNOON! Of a FAUN! FAUN! FAUN!" —Francis
Similarly: "Sunday! Sunday!! Sunday!!! At Lincoln Center." — jim
"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. Apparently Philip Glass is going through a bit of a midlife crisis." —Francis
"Well, we practiced driving this monster truck through the wall of Carnegie Hall for many years, and it finally worked." —Francis
"Fucking Kronos Quartet had it coming." —cinetrix
"You monsters! Hasn't Itzhak Perlman suffered enough?" —cinetrix
"You know Yo-Yo Ma, he just has to make a grand entrance." —773
"Fire!" —sh
Comments
"Would you laugh harder if we were cats or dogs?"
Posted by: michael | October 31, 2005 11:18 AM
"Let the 'Monster Mash-up' begin!"
Posted by: Matty Matt | October 31, 2005 11:25 AM
"And now we present Beethoven's Fourth -- or, Beethoven in Fourth Gear."
Posted by: jason | October 31, 2005 11:26 AM
"Is there a doctor in the house?"
Posted by: Alex G | October 31, 2005 11:30 AM
Would the driver of the '06 Ford Ravager plate number 4-4-3-5-G-F-T please come to the stage.
Posted by: mandy | October 31, 2005 1:50 PM
"I'm going to play music on a violin for you. I like to play violin and have been trained for years to play it in public, which I have done many times before. Forgive my lengthy introduction; Dr. Schoenstein says I am a narcissist. I agree. But I also say 'F-ck you Dr. Judy Schoenstein.' At any rate, up first, excerpts from 'Concierto de Estio' by Rodrigo."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 31, 2005 2:07 PM
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"
Posted by: M | October 31, 2005 2:56 PM
"Truckzilla, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"
Posted by: TMFTML | October 31, 2005 2:57 PM
"And now, AFTERNOON! AFTERNOON! AFTERNOON! Of a FAUN! FAUN! FAUN!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. Apparently Philip Glass is going through a bit of a midlife crisis."
"Well, we practiced driving this monster truck through the wall of Carnegie Hall for many years, and it finally worked."
Posted by: Francis | October 31, 2005 3:17 PM
Sunday! Sunday!! Sunday!!! At Lincoln Center.
Posted by: jim | October 31, 2005 3:25 PM
"If I wanted to be in a garage band I'd have stayed in Jersey."
Posted by: Charles | October 31, 2005 3:52 PM
It's serendipitous that my B.M. is medium-to-dark grey, so you can't really tell that I totally shit myself when that truck drove onto the stage.
Posted by: Corey Anderson | October 31, 2005 4:07 PM
"I said b-major, not lee majors!"
Posted by: luke mathews | October 31, 2005 4:12 PM
Hey, who asked for a conductor, not a conTRUCKtor!
Posted by: Molly | October 31, 2005 4:27 PM
Uhhh... that was supposed to be:
Hey, we asked for a conductor, not a conTRUCKtor!
Posted by: Molly | October 31, 2005 4:32 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, a large "monster"-type SUV has somehow driven over the chairs and music sheet stands of our quartet yet they have escaped harm. The driver is not present. Additionally, apparently I am a conductor of a quartet. Do quartets have conductors? I am not sure.
Posted by: Timmy CoughDrops | October 31, 2005 4:51 PM
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll just hold on a minute, I need a moment alone with my gay partner."
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
"Oh shit! I just got Punk'd!"
Posted by: anno-nymous | October 31, 2005 6:39 PM
"She's supposed to have a transwarp drive."
Posted by: anno-nymous | October 31, 2005 6:42 PM
"Oh shit, a truck has crushed our chairs! I guess we will play standing up."
"We apologize for the mix-up. If it's any consolation, visitors to the big monster truck rally at the Meadowlands are now seeing Marvin our second-chair cellist dropped onto the track."
"Wow, did you guys see that? Wow!"
Posted by: Pat Broderick | October 31, 2005 7:11 PM
"This is wholly unacceptable."
Posted by: Charles Star | October 31, 2005 8:08 PM
"There is a man pinned under this truck who requires immediate medical assistance. Someone please call for an ambulance. Please, before it's too late."
"In his defense, those alternate-side parking rules can be confusing."
"Wow, amateur night at Carnegie Hall really could not have gone any worse. But to be fair, it was a really stupid idea to begin with."
"This would make a really funny New Yorker cartoon."
Posted by: Pareene | October 31, 2005 9:08 PM
"Someone take my monster truck, please."
Posted by: 99 | November 1, 2005 12:57 AM
"If I could find my keys, I'd drive us both out of here."
"Excuse me, waiter, there's a monster truck in my symphony."
"Every nght, another string player will die, until you mofos sign up for full-season subscriptions!"
Posted by: gary | November 1, 2005 8:55 AM
"you most definitely are a red neck!" (in a southern accent)
Posted by: lujoma | November 1, 2005 10:10 AM
Thank you for attending tonight's performance of "Threnody for the victims of the Red States."
Posted by: Michael | November 1, 2005 10:15 AM
"Rik Hertzberg says this is Bush's fault."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Prussian Blue has arrived."
"I knew I should have listened to my parents when they insisted I should train to be a stand-up comedian or wry cartoonist caption writer instead of the successful concert master I selfishly chose to become."
"Tonight's performance is brought to you thanks to a generous grant from Archer Daniels Midland, the 'Supermarket to the World.' Archer Daniels Midland assumes no responsibility for the safety of performers or patrons. Your continued presence in the auditorium is on an 'at-will' basis."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 1, 2005 11:11 AM
"You people voted for Bloomberg -- you deal with the consequences."
"What I want to know is this: is this monster truck making this public appearance at this time with the tacit support of Colin Powell?"
"Judy Miller warned us about this."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 1, 2005 11:15 AM
"Behold: Ford's 2005 Concertmaster."
That sucks, but if you don't choose "Afternoon of a FAUN! FAUN!", you have no soul.
Posted by: Old Hag | November 1, 2005 11:57 AM
Dude! Where's my...Carnegie Hall!
Posted by: Zebra | November 1, 2005 1:17 PM
"Hi, I am barrister Peter Obi (Esq) from Lagos, Nigeria and I am here to deliver your $35 million inheritance from your late uncle Engr.Steve Moore a national of Isle of Man in UK, who used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria.. It's in the back of my truck."
Posted by: mr. pickycapellit | November 1, 2005 1:20 PM
"I haven't seen her in 8 months."
Posted by: mr. pickycapellit | November 1, 2005 1:26 PM
Rectum? Hell,` it nearly killed him.
Posted by: nagel | November 1, 2005 1:28 PM
There will be a brief pause while we re-tune and file a grievance with the musicians' local 102.
Posted by: Renski | November 1, 2005 1:57 PM
All right, have it your way—you heard a seal bark!
Posted by: implied otter | November 1, 2005 2:23 PM
"... and Loge seats E12 and E13, you have won two T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan, 'A monster truck demolished the New York Philharmonic, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.' I am sorry to inform you, however, that, due to NEA cutbacks, the T-shirts are a poly-cotton blend, rather than all cotton. They are also saturated with avian flu germs."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 1, 2005 4:20 PM
"So, you rich assholes still think we're a bunch of faggots now???"
Posted by: Spanner | November 1, 2005 4:38 PM
"This red state/blue state divide is certainly ridiculous. It makes me think I would like to have a Chardonnay and a latte while the owner of this fantastic vehicle lynches black people. Then we can all fuck."
Posted by: Tim Ferguson | November 1, 2005 6:16 PM
"My, my, that was definitely fucked-up. I'm gay, by the way."
Posted by: tim ferguson | November 1, 2005 6:23 PM
"Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Now I'd like to play a sonata in B-flat, a little tune called 'The Holocaust Never Happened.' Now get yo ass ready for some FONKY!"
Posted by: tim ferguson | November 1, 2005 6:35 PM
I asked someone to drive that truck onstage to get your attention so I could make an announcement. I have terminal brain cancer.
Posted by: wendy | November 1, 2005 8:49 PM
Oh, Wreckhmaninov is NEXT week? Sorry.
Posted by: Clint | November 1, 2005 11:13 PM
"Blah blah blah, I'm a fancy fiddle player."
Posted by: Jim Treacher | November 2, 2005 12:20 AM
"That's the last time we play Hayden's string quartet in B-flat major."
"Fucking Kronos Quartet had it coming."
"You monsters! Hasn't Itzhak Perlman suffered enough?"
Posted by: cinetrix | November 2, 2005 1:13 AM
Implied Otter wins!
Posted by: Eliot | November 2, 2005 1:21 AM
Go fuck yourselves!
Posted by: J | November 2, 2005 2:49 AM
"NOW how are we supposed to play our classical music concert?"
Posted by: copyranter | November 2, 2005 9:01 AM
Fire!
Posted by: SH | November 2, 2005 10:29 AM
"The New Yorker" as musician.
Posted by: Norman Tabernacle, K.Y.R. | November 2, 2005 11:03 AM
"The New Yorker" as musician.
[above revised because, as Amber Toad said in "Nipples in New Jersey": "Comment bylines are like titles, that plus or non-plus point of view."]
Posted by: hungry writer no. 189467832-Beta | November 2, 2005 11:47 AM
"You know Yo-Yo Ma, he just has to make a grand entrance."
Posted by: 773 | November 2, 2005 2:00 PM
"And that's why you don't teach lessons."
Posted by: C-Murder | November 3, 2005 12:14 AM
"It was supposed to be a clown car. Yes, I understand that still wouldn't have made any sense."
Posted by: C-Murder | November 3, 2005 12:28 AM
"In order to ensure continued NEA funding, compromises had to be made...What? Oh, no, I don't mean to say that had anything to do with the monster truck showing up stage. That wasn't the 'compromise' I was referring to. I have no idea at all what the monster truck is doing here. The 'compromise' I was referring to was sucking off several members of the Congressional appropriations committee in a dirty truck stop bathroom."
Posted by: C-Murder | November 3, 2005 12:49 AM
"Where's Tommy?"
Posted by: meghan | November 3, 2005 1:23 PM
"Was that a hummer of a piece or what?"
Posted by: Matt Heller | November 3, 2005 9:08 PM
aww, crap... not again.
Posted by: ali | November 3, 2005 11:22 PM
"God is angry."
Posted by: zudz | November 5, 2005 2:22 PM
I figure that I came in 37th.
Posted by: Charles | November 6, 2005 9:17 PM
Radosh's captions (and I think I'd vote for them) remind me of the funnier caption, that didn't win for Contest #13 "Now you be the naughty mosquito and I'll be the tortured sporting goods salesman." Or something like that. The oh so ironic drawings beg for deadpan obvious description. Or I'd vote for
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll just hold on a minute, I need a moment alone with my gay partner."
Only cut the "gay" and/or leave it implicit and the reader can interpret it how they want.
So much fun.
Posted by: zp | November 7, 2005 11:37 AM
"As our encore, we will now perform Exxon-Mobil's SUV OVERTURE..."
Posted by: jurassicpork | November 8, 2005 2:09 PM
"It's a Sicilian Message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes."
Posted by: jmmyjames | November 9, 2005 6:05 AM
And low, the music did stop and a gigantic monster truck did fall from the sky on to the stage for no apparent reason....And the crowd applauded and the peasants did feast.
Posted by: Enapov | November 9, 2005 11:22 AM
"Listen, Danny's broken a string. While he puts it on, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long, long time.
Its ah...a solo number..."
Posted by: Fire Slam | November 9, 2005 3:26 PM
"Now, if we can just get the driver of the truck to turn his radio down, we will resume the concert."
Posted by: Tom | November 17, 2005 10:34 AM
In our ongoing attempt to make the orchestral experience more accessible to the general public, the woodwind section has been replaced by a customized 1987 Ford f25o.
Posted by: Peter Greendale | November 18, 2005 4:04 PM
"apparently he drove up the loading dock out back and then down the very wide halls to get to the stage."
Posted by: pukebot | December 1, 2005 12:29 AM
"Sad to say our first violinist was crushed to death under the truck's tires. The second violinist has been promoted to first violinist. The concert will resume after the new first violinist removes his truck from the stage."
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 1:08 AM
"Edward was a thirteen-year veteran of the New Yorker's Cartoon Captioning Department. Eventally, spending 40-hour weeks finding non-sequitur captions to arbitrary black-and-white drawings took its toll on poor Edward's mind. The New Yorker would like to wish him the best of luck chasing that rainbow he ran naked out of his office trying to find. Oh, and the caption of this cartoon is 'Elementary, my dear Mozart.' "
Posted by: What happened to my pension? | March 16, 2006 7:03 PM
Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Well, our playing of the "Ready to Rumble" song may have been a bit of a mistake.
Posted by: FRank Monaco | April 20, 2006 3:16 PM
"You dumb fucks! Who are these morons from the symphony and why are they crashing our car show???
Posted by: Mario Spuzello | May 2, 2006 12:36 AM
'Come back Tom Cruise, you left your copy of Brokeback Mountain on the seat'
Posted by: Alan | May 7, 2006 11:31 PM
"I suppose I should apologize for getting dust all over the front of the truck when I farted."
Posted by: rob | May 14, 2006 12:17 PM
"There is a truck in the building with its lights on; license plate number..."
Posted by: rob | May 17, 2006 11:03 AM
Well, that concludes our
'Unfinished Symphony"
Posted by: elliot | September 24, 2006 2:38 PM
Ladies and gentlemen the screaming you hear, and that burning smell, is Otto the french horn player, he's wedged against the exhaust pipe. Tssh..I know, what a fag.
Posted by: Eric | September 27, 2006 6:41 PM
as you can see, not tunning up, could be a disastor.
Posted by: robert berns | December 17, 2006 1:21 PM
I guess this next one's in Be Flat.
Posted by: Eddie Haskell | January 7, 2007 9:32 PM
Even the monster truck wrecking the stage, normally his favorite part of the finale, could not lift his sorrow. Charlene was gone, and this time she was not coming back.
Posted by: Roneesh | January 17, 2007 5:48 PM
Do you think the New Yorker really reads all of the submissions for the caption contest? I know people who have submitted much funnier captions than the ones that win. It makes me wonder if they even read all of them.
Posted by: carter | January 23, 2007 1:57 AM
Granny, how many times do I gotta tell ya to wear your glasses, I'm takin' this off yo paycheck!
Posted by: Ursala | February 18, 2007 10:33 PM
Do I look blind to you? WAit um ya i am blind, scratch that jimmy!
Posted by: jumboChicken | February 18, 2007 10:38 PM
Liscence plate um... big truck, can you move your car into the parking llot, we all thank you!
Posted by: Demitra | February 18, 2007 10:40 PM
"I apologize for the noise."
Posted by: AR | March 14, 2007 8:23 AM
The Sacramento Symphony does Adagio for Strings.
Posted by: Tim F | April 2, 2007 12:28 AM
" ... and then he said 'Practice, Hell - I'll get to Carnegie hall my own damn way!'"
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 3, 2007 3:06 PM
Will the owner of the big truck; licence plate 24489, step forward your lights are on the pianist, Thank you.
Posted by: Beatriz Lopez | June 25, 2007 5:29 PM
"Good on you, Ernie ! But take me and Prissy now-- we been estranged for years !"
Posted by: Sam Labouisse | October 9, 2007 9:07 PM
I am selling this monster truck for $300! Who wants one?
Posted by: Andy | November 12, 2007 12:33 PM
Everyone's a critic!
Posted by: ripsnortinroy | December 13, 2007 1:32 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption...We will resume the concert as soon as they peel our oboe player from the rear wheel.
Posted by: John DeGiovanni | December 14, 2007 2:32 PM
"...and I got a ticket in front of my own @#$*!* house!
Posted by: ken hense | April 7, 2008 2:46 PM
Now performing..."Flight of the SUV's"
Posted by: James Reardon | April 21, 2008 5:44 AM
The black one.
Posted by: Jeff Fotchan | June 1, 2008 10:37 PM
"i knew i should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque."
Posted by: joey sich | June 21, 2008 9:56 PM
Now that I have your attention I'd like to present my rendition of THE LAST PERFORMANCE OF THE SEASON but you already had seen it. So goodbye for now.
Posted by: Irving | July 11, 2008 7:45 PM
"Bubba your mamma is here she says she wants the reusable condom back!"
Posted by: debra | November 29, 2008 9:45 PM
BOB looks bad. Thank god his Strad looks ok.
Posted by: judy | December 9, 2008 4:52 PM
This was also a problem during rehearsal.
Posted by: Rob | December 27, 2008 11:38 PM
What the Fruck?
Posted by: Rennie Murphy | February 11, 2009 1:39 AM
My entries to the New Yorker Caption Contest are much funnier than the finalists week after week.
I suspect foul play or a very stupid ass runs the thing. ^%&*F em!
Posted by: pete | March 9, 2009 7:06 PM
What were you expecting? "18 Wheels and a Dozen Violins"?
Posted by: Michael A McCracken | September 4, 2009 9:19 PM
where did this big truck come from ?
Posted by: joyce | September 13, 2009 8:05 PM