A lesser hack humorist would make an undisclosed location joke
"In that stirring moment as Rudy Giuliani spoke of leadership, strength, and the raw wounds of Sept. 11, it was perhaps inevitable that some people would find themselves thinking, Didn't this guy once shack up with two queens and their pet Shih Tzu?"
That was supposed to be the opener of my New York magazine column today, but when I turned it in last night, the editor flipped out. Turns out they'd already scheduled a Q & A with one of the abovementioned queens, and thought my essay would conflict. I quickly offered to write a new opener, and when told there wasn't time argued that we could simply drop the first joke and the column would still work, but in the end, they opted to simply spike the piece altogether.
I dunno. There was talk of running it tomorrow instead of a new one, but it'll be stale by then. In any case, you can read it here by clicking "More".
The Gay Old Party
In that stirring moment as Rudy Giuliani spoke of leadership, strength, and the raw wounds of Sept. 11, it was perhaps inevitable that some people would find themselves thinking, Didn't this guy once shack up with two queens and their pet Shih Tzu? To the casual viewer, opening day may have been all about the war on terror, but the close observer could see the notorious Republican obsession with homosexuality bubbling persistently below the surface.
Perhaps it was because the convention opened with a benediction from Mormon activist Sheri Dew, who recently compared gay unions with "the atrocities of Hitler." This prominence disgruntled the Log Cabin Republicans who were already peeved that the party platform had just been amended to condemn any "legal recognition" of same-sex couples. While some held out hope that future platforms would correct this mistake — just as this year's text scrubbed out all that effusive praise for Ahmed Chalabi — others threatened to withhold their endorsement of President Bush. Putting gay-friendly pols like Giuliani and Schwarzenegger on display did little to mollify them. "It's lipstick on a pig," said Log Cabin President Andy Hendricks. "Cross-dressing farm animals?" Sheri Dew did not reply. "Is there no depravity the gays won't sink to?"
If gays were upset about the convention roster, some anti-gay Republicans were no happier. Sure, the Illinois Family Institute got its way on Britney Spears — the group responded to rumors that the singer would be performing by condemning her "lesbian" kiss and other "immature antics" — but still, did they have to invite the cross-dressing, opera-loving Giuliani, whose gay housemates once
boasted that the mayor gave them daily kisses goodbye? Well, yes. "If I didn't have Rudy Giuliani speak at the convention," said Ed Gillespie, "I would probably be impeached for incompetence." Wait, you can get impeached for incompetence? We thought it was just blowjobs.
Let's hope a little incompetence is forgivable. For instance, saying, "I don't think you can win" the war on terror less than a month after declaring, "We have a clear vision on how to win the war on terror." I mean, it's not like Giuliani is on the podium praising your "clear, precise and consistent vision," on fighting terrorism. Hmm. Maybe it's time to start railing against gay marriage again.
Admittedly, you have to be careful about getting too obsessed. When Ed Koch jokingly announced, "I'm here to convert you," we're pretty certain he meant into Democrats.