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The February issue of Esquire hits the stands this week and after several years of shunting the Dubious Achievement Awards to a coverline in the corner somewhere they've completely shifted gears and given the feature the entire cover to itself. I hope that means they're proud of it again, 'cause I wrote about two-thirds of it. Look: there's a picture of me on the contributor's page (Gina was supposed to get a photo credit, but that seems to have fallen through the cracks). The thrust of the little blurb about me is that when writing my punchlines, I sometimes managed to offend even myself. "Britney Spears came under some particularly heavy fire," it says, paraphrasing my remark about what I thought was my most unforgivable joke. In fact what I told the guy who wrote the blurb was that I was surprised the Britney joke even made it into print. Of course, after I said that, the joke was, in fact, toned down.

That's probably for the best, although I never really intended it to be offensive to Britney herself. If anything, it was a joke about how harsh a joke I was making. Sort of like the brilliant shirts from T-Shirt Hell. What's funny is not "I swear I didn't know she was 3," but rather that someone might have the audacity to wear such a shirt. As it was, I'd already tacked on a "just kidding" afterthought onto my original joke, but apparently someone realized it could use another "just kidding," and changed one word.

OK, the news item in question is: "Kendel Ehrlich, wife of Maryland governor Robert Ehrlich, said at a conference on domestic violence in that state, 'Really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would." My original headline: "Us, Too, But We'd Fuck Her First. Oh, Like You Weren't Thinking It."

Now it reads, "Us, Too, But We'd Bang Her First," etc.

Anyway, I had a great time on the Dubies, especially working with the talented and funny A.J. Jacobs. All my best jokes made the cut. But why should even second-rate jokes go to waste when I have a blog? Here are your 2003 Dubious Achievement Also-Rans.

SOUTER, MAYBE, BUT WE'RE PRETTY SURE GINSBERG IS JUST A METROSEXUAL
When the US Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 to strike down laws banning sodomy and homosexual sex, dissenting Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, "Today's opinion is the product of a court, which is the product of a law-profession culture, that has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agenda."

IT WAS AFTER CONDUCTING THIS INTERVIEW THAT A YOUNG REPORTER NAMED JAYSON BLAIR BEGAN TO RETHINK HIS PRIORITIES
Rapper 50 Cent told the The New York Times, "I've never had a job before. I sold crack, and then I had the opportunity to write music, and I moved on it because I felt that it was positive. I can't even identify with you when you tell me that you've got to get up and go to work in the morning. I hope I never have to."

YES, I AM REALLY IN THE MOVIES, HE INSISTED TO THE DUBIOUS JURY
Actor Steven Seagal testified that an alleged Gambino family associate tried to coerce him into making movies with the mob. Speaking of his testimony as a government witness in the racketeering trial, Seagal said, "In the movies, I play a tough action hero, but I have feelings."

THAT GUY REALLY IS CAREER POISON, HUH?
A stripper sued the National Enquirer after the tabloid reported that she had hooked up with actor Ben Affleck. The suit sought unspecified damages from the tabloid and one of her fellow dancers, who received $100,000 for the story.

AND SHE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO HIM
Emerging from a coma after nearly 20 years, an Arkansas man's first word was "mom," his second was "Pepsi."

THE JOKE'S ON THEM: KLINGONS DON'T HAVE A WORD FOR 'WELLNESS.'
The mental health office in Portland, Oregon listed Klingon as a language for which it sought patient interpreters.

DO YOU FEEL COMFY, PUNK?
Smith & Wesson announced that it was branching out into clothing, jewelry and home décor, including pillows and bedding.

HOW ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO COOK THEM?
An environmental group called for warning labels on Teflon-coated cookware, noting that at high-temperatures non-stick pans release fumes that can kill birds.

A BOON FOR THE FIRST-PERSON SURRENDER GENRE
France announced plans to financially aid its domestic video game industry.

THE MICROWAVE BURRITOS ALONE WOULD GIVE THEM THE RUNS FOR A WEEK
An alliance of Republican lobbyists with ties to the Bush administration created a group called New Bridge Strategies to help US companies win distribution rights in Iraq. "One well-stocked 7-Eleven could knock out 30 Iraqi stores," said a New Bridge partner.

DON'T BLAME US, YOU MARRIED THE GUY
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones sued the British magazine Hello! for publishing unauthorized photos of their wedding after the couple had sold exclusive rights to a rival magazine. The Hello! photos "were poor quality, sleazy, and unflattering," Zeta-Jones testified.

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